Do we really need... Smart Cars?

I can hop into the mind (anyday) of a person trying to save the environment...  I am trying to save the environment with you!  I believe a healthy planet is a clean planet is a good planet is a planet I enjoy living on... is a planet (I might have taken that one a little far).

I love driving "smart" - so much to the point that I navigate a Hyundai Elantra (all-leather interior) and my wife drives a shitty Toyota Yaris (not all-leather interior).  Between the two of us, we enjoy fantastic gas-mileage.  Not only do we get great gas mileage; we can take our things where we need to, have back-seat space, and have a place to put my future son.  We once traveled to Ohio (in the Elantra) with our dog, the dog's enormous crate, and all of our stuff.  With plenty of room to spread out (for me to spread out, I am not sure if she had equal space...  I didn't ask).

There's a new kid on the block


It's not Jordan Knight...  It's the Smart Car.  What is the Smart Car you ask?  I am not too sure.  I do know it combines the excitement of driving a go-cart with getting into an accident while driving a motorcycle.  Sounds fun doesn't it?

These things are hideous!  They call them "Smart Cars" because their owners can purchase them for less than $7,000!  They also get great gas-mileage...  Which makes the people who purchase them "smart".  Please tell me you guys have seen these things!

You were so smart, you bought a Smart Car to save money.  NOW, you have to rent a hatchback to go grocery shopping.  You have to rent a van to take your kid's friends to the mall.  You have to rent a sedan to feel like you are in a full size luxury car!

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...  Well, you can't


Someone help me out here.  What is the benefit to these tiny things? - I have no idea.

Work this one out with me.  I don't own a truck.  So anytime I need to move something, I have to employ the help of someone who does own one [a truck].  I don't own an SUV, so anytime my wife and I travel somewhere with multiple people, we never drive.  Now let me reach - anytime my wife and I need to travel with less people than the both of us, we rent a Smart Car!

See?  There is less benefit to owning one of these things than there is a Mazda Miata...  Less the fact that a Miata looks much cooler.  I won't end this saying we DON'T need Smart Cars, we would just be better off in a world with people who didn't buy them.

Do we really need... Handicapped parking placards?

OK, OK...  I know... I never promised to write a blog while intoxicated again.  Fool you once, shame on me.  Fool you twice, you are my target audience.

Now, before I start, let me explain: The handicapped parking system is brilliant.  I have no beef to chew in relation to the system.  I DO however, have beef to chew with the people who abuse it!  In my experience, that is a rock-solid 92% of the people who hold the placard!!

Does the system work?


LOL, no...  WOW...  I had thought up several examples -  NONE of which I can make fun of.  If there is someone with a handicapped placard that needs it - USE it...  Don't give it to your smoking-hot wife (or husband) allowing them the same convenience that you have!

Why the animosity?


I exited my car today, about 2.534 miles from the grocery store.  I was getting beer.  As I tiredly approached the front doors - automatic doors...  that's the side of town I live on - I saw a woman shoving grocery bags into her SUV.  Did I have beef with her?  YES!  She was in the parking space closest to those automatic doors, rocking the handicapped placard!  She was clearly not handicapped, if you exclude the fact that she had parked in a space reserved for handicapped people!

I was friends with a woman, we will call her kathy, who enjoyed the privilege of a handicapped placard...  Guess what?  She only used it when she needed to park.  (Her name was really Kathy...  I better not go to jail for this)

Final Analysis?


Are we here already?  I feel as if I didn't get enough "rant" out...  Maybe because I am intoxicated again.  I need to stop blogging when this happens.  I will make the next blog more offensive though.

In a perfect world the handicapped placard would make perfect sense.  We are in a world of people who abuse their, well...  EVERYTHING!  You give someone the right to get rockstar parking EVERYDAY of the week...  sir, you have an MTV special.

Do we really need...  MTV???  Possibly another entry?  No.  Who the fuck believes we DO need MTV?

Do we really need... Participation trophies?

Holy delay.  I haven't blogged in some time, so let me reignite the fire with something that has pissed me off for a very long time.  Participation trophies!!

Hey buddy.  You didn't do well, but you tried.


Way to let mediocrity, and everything less, become acceptable America!  As a second-baseman (in baseball - idiot), I did great.  I was exceptional in every respect, and I have the "I played on the Schromolo Provisions" trophy to prove it!  No, my little-league team never won a championship, but I HAD A TROPHY!!!

Why do I have a trophy?  I have no idea.  I was not an MVP - I was mediocre at best (despite my personal analysis in the first paragraph), I was never a game changer, and I never hit the game-winning home run.  I think I might have tagged someone out once, or I caught a ball...  who can remember?

Self-esteem building exercise!


You want to build someone's self-esteem?  If someone sucks at something, don't reward them!  Tell them they suck until they find something they can perform well in!  If we give a quarterback (that's in football, keep up) a trophy from the time he is 10 until 18, for just TRYING to be a quarterback, we will give him a false sense of confidence.  Imagine what happens to his self-image when he gets into the real world.

Now we have this guy, whom for YEARS assumed he would make it to the "pros", left with a wasted 8 years of not learning something he could've been GREAT doing.  Although, I am as confused as you are...  His losing record wasn't a hint of his skill (or lack there of).

Is there a fix?


YES...  very-much-so there is!  Stop telling your 4 year old that her crayon drawing is great.  What famous artist uses crayons anyway?  Stop acting like your kid's shitty made-up story is interesting, and even call them on their bluff.  Stop trying to sub-coach from the sidelines at your kid's ballgames.  Stop telling your kid that if they are not good in a sport, they only have to work hard and try.  I have got news for you, if you are going into the pros, you better be a natural.

We need to stop this "everyone gets a medal" mentality.  By doing so, we are lowering the standards of every citizen of our country.

Do we really need... Commercials for (insert prescription pill name here)

I don't think I would have anything to write on this subject if the commercials weren't so completely ridiculous.

Commercial starts.  A field fades in, and there is a woman frolicking about and smelling flowers.  The camera goes to a close up of her face, and she exclaims that hemorrhoids are no longer an issue for her because of Prolexica ( <- I made that up...  actually, I made the whole thing up).  What does the field, the frolicking, and the flower sniffing have to do with hemorrhoids?  And why hasn't the field been turned into a mega-mall yet?  Not to mention the scarier-than-all-hell warnings at the end!  Prolexica has been known to cause cancer, over active bladder, and death - if you experience any of these, call your doctor.  Do not use Prolexica if you wake up, sleep, consume liquids, consume solids, or drive.

The only pill commercials that seem remotely related are the ones for boner-pills.  Those usually have guys walking around happy.  In all fairness, I really just wanted to write "boner-pills".  Go ahead, open your word-processing software up and write "boner-pills".  Kind of addicting.

So, maybe I can deal with prescription pill commercials... but let's at least have commercials that are related to the problems the pills are alleviating!

What we need... A Facebook dislike button!

OK, this one is long long (long) overdue.

If you are not familiar with Facebook by now, it is a social networking website that connects people all around the world.  It is more popularly known for the destruction of MySpace, Friendster, and AIM (I'm also pretty sure it's one of the main reasons Will I Am punched Perez Hilton).

Facebook has a button that gives you the ability to "like" something.  Whether it be a website, an entertainer, a business etc.  It does not, however, give you the ability to "dislike" something.  So instead of being able to "dislike" your constant Cityville requests, I just have to sit idly by while you flood my notifications window.  For some reason, you decided to sent me the 49th request.  As to suggest me not accepting your initial 48 requests wasn't enough of a hint that I have no desire to involve myself in your shitty game.  If there was a dislike button, I would've disliked the first one, and BOOM...  no need to beat around the bush anymore.

Friends have suggested that I am a "hater".  Ma$e would say I have my P.H.D. (Player Hating Degree).  As to which I would respond: Facebook should facilitate my desire to hate constantly!  This way, I can "like" the NY Giants, and then immediately "dislike" the NE Patriots followed by Justin Beiber.

I guess for now this is all wishful thinking.  If in fact Facebook does implement this, rest assured I would instantly abuse the hell out of it.

Do We Really Need... Hand-Washing Instructions?

Has this ever happened to you?


Let's picture this together.  You're sitting at a bar, enjoying a couple (more than a few) of your favorite cocktails.  I had a Stoli Greyhound, two Bombay Sapphire & tonics, a baby Guinness shot, and just polished off my dirty Belvedere martini on the rocks with a dash of Tobasco, and now I really have to use the restroom.

I get in there, take care of my "stuffs", and get to the area with the sink and mirrors...  and freeze!  Holy smokes, I know there is something I should do.  I know this thing tends to be very important... I just can't remember what!

Lucky for me, however, the owner of this fine establishment threw a couple of bucks to help bail me out of this moment.  As I am hectically searching for clues for an answer to what I am supposed to do next, I see an instructional sign on the wall in front of me (the owner sprang for pictures too...  if only he could shell out a couple of bucks for a larger TV we'd be in business!)!  As I carefully follow each instruction, step by step, I am able to efficiently wash my hands, and carry on with my night.

I know right?


By now I am sure you have come to the conclusion that my story was a complete fabrication (especially because I started the first paragraph with "Let's picture this together").  Is this sign even remotely necessary?  The only people who need instructions in hand-washing aren't even tall enough to see over the counter without someone holding them up to the sink!  As a matter of fact: I don't want to live in a world where people stand in front of a sink, and have to read "OK, so first I turn on the water, and wait until it gets warm.  Check.  Now I have to apply soap.  Check... etc."

That guy that made that protest song "Signs" (or was the title "Signs Signs Everywhere a Sign"?  Guess we may never know) was on to something.  His song just ended up getting weird, and I don't think he ever got to the aforementioned sign.

On a side note, am I the only one that interprets the "Employees must wash hands before leaving washroom sign" as "God, I really hope that the employees are washing their hands"!??

Do We Really Need... YouTube?

Yeah...  I can't even joke about it.  We really do need YouTube!

Do We Really Need... Blog Sites & Social Media?

OK OK, I know I know, I am not an idiot - I am completely aware of the irony.  I am not even sure if I will be able to make relevancy apply, but I sure as hell am going to try.  Let me clear one thing up before I start: I am not just questioning if blog sites are necessary (I am going to dig myself deeper here), I am also questioning whether social media, twitter, and every other narcissist-based online website/application are.

HEY HERMITS, I'M TALKING TO YOU!

I am pretty sure, sometime way way in the past (I.E. 10 years ago), people had to physically SEE each other (or at least TALK on the phone), to do the whole "catching up" thing - Now, don't mistake this as me suggesting I miss that...  I despised having to actually APPEAR that I cared, so social media is actually perfect for me (still digging) - Let me also point out that "catching up" did not include waking up tired, and calling ALL of your friends to tell them you didn't feel like working that day.  

Now you know where I was going with the whole narcissism thing.  Social Media (while shielding us from social contact, which is a huge plus) really brings out the narcissism in everyone, and makes it completely acceptable.  I don't care about where you are.  I don't want to look at your kid's shitty drawing (or your shitty kid for that matter).  I don't care if you "like" Jordan Knight, Captain Morgan, or that shitty local bar that looks like a complete and utter shit-hole.  Lets look at the other disservices and negative contributions social media has done to our world:

1. Made the duck-face popular and acceptable.
2. Created Perez Hilton.
3. Guilt brought on by really not wanting to accept that person's friend request
4. Allows us to hide behind a computer when we really don't give a crap (OK, that might be a plus).
5. Google+
6. Created Perez Hilton.
7. Caused the financial crisis of '09.
8. President Bush.

OK, so it is going to take more than a quick Google search to find evidence that would support the last two...  As soon as I find some evidence I will provide it in a blog update (LOL, if you think I am going to do actual research, head to the back of the class).

SO-CALLED REPORTERS, YOU'RE UP

Bloggers and blog sites are stupid (Less this one, The Amazing Blog Spot, DeadLobby.Com, and the blog of Don'ts).  I am a member of many news/opinion websites.  I join conversations in almost every article I read.  When I get into discussions with people, they usually point me to an article written by a complete hack with no credentials posted on their personal blog site.  The word "blog" itself is stupid.  Al Gore created the damn internet and couldn't single-handedly come up with a better term for "Online Journal"?  E-Mail is catchy, I can get down with "wiki", but blog?!?  "OJ" is even more suitable!

So folks, it is time to disconnect, get outside, and get back to becoming social again.  I know I am, right after I update my Facebook status to let all of my friends (who vehemently care about my life) that I just posted to my "OJ".