Do we really need... Canned whole chicken?

When I first came across this monstrosity I thought it was a joke.  I figured the picture came from a website that was the food-network equivalent to The Onion and Christwire.  So I shrugged it off.  No, this shit really exists.  Let me be clear - I am all for cooking a chicken, chopping it all to hell, and THEN stuffing it in a can. Lord knows I don't want to add cooking to the list of steps to get me from canned chicken to chicken-salad sandwich.  Oh no, this is an entire friggin chicken stuffed in a can.

Spam is gross, but we can top it.

Spam isn't too far above this crap, especially in creepiness.  It slides out of the can in a very similar (albeit creepy for a food-item) fashion.  The great thing about spam (if there has to be one), is that you can slice off a chunk, throw it in a frying pan, and within minutes you can enjoy a spam, lettuce, and mayo sandwich (it wasn't easy to pair "enjoy" and "spam" in the same sentence.  I do it for you - you're welcome).  How can you enjoy a chicken, lettuce, and mayo sandwich when the chicken has bones in it?  If you want to enjoy chicken salad, why would you buy a product that you have to de-bone first? I guess the ultimate question is: What the hell do you do with this stuff?  I haven't even gotten to the worse part.  The size of the can is that of a Chunky Soup can!  Have we no heart?  We just go and kill baby chickens, and shove them in a can for our weird food-consumption needs?  Ironically the picture I provided is a product offered by "Sweet Sue".  Yeah, she is sweet alright...  especially when she is hacking off the heads of baby chickens.

Just like mom used to make.

I have very fond memories of my family gathering around the dinner table.  My mom, wearing oven mitts, would deliver a nice hot baby chicken from the oven to the dinner table.  During the delivery, I could taste the warm pale chicken, carefully coated with an odd slime-like gelatin, in my mouth.  Man this brings back memories.  What the hell is that gelatin this chicken appears to be coated with, and how the hell does "Sweet Sue" think, for a minute, that we might find it appetizing?  Any canned item that drops out a blob that makes a placenta look delicious cannot, in fact, be delicious.  Full disclosure.  This picture I included to the left is not "Sweet Sue"'s.  It is however, a canned chicken, which is equally disgusting.

I am all for convenient eating.  We no longer have to catch, kill, cook, and debone a tuna before making tuna-fish salad.  We no longer have to smoke weed and go on an all-movie adventure to eat some delicious White Castle (well, we didn't at the time of the movie either...  Harold & Kumar could've just went to the grovery store)...  However, this is one step in convenient-eating that I will not take.  What's next, canned cheeseburger?

Oh, come on...  Canned cheeseburger exists too?  F*ck you food industry!  It's bad enough we can get shitty hamburgers precooked and frozen, but now we have hamburgers with a lengthy room temperature shelf life as well?  What the f*ck is going on here?

What the hell is next?  Is my $75 steak, served perfectly medium rare from capital grill going to come from a can to?  I am afraid to search for: Canned filet-mignon, just because I do not want to see the answer.  Do yourself a favor.  Do not search Google-images for people eating canned-cheeseburger.  The results make the worst videos I've seen on Tosh.O look like two unicorns f*cking in a pristine meadow.  Spoiler alert - the images are disgusting to view!

Final analysis.

Canned food industry.  There is still some fun to cooking, and there are some things that we cook that do not belong in a can!  We, as consumers, do not want to see canned tacos, hot dogs (Vienna sausages are dangerously close), lasagna, or pizza.  And if you must can them, stop adding a layer of that weird slime-like gelatin all of the time!  It creeps us out when our meal *slides* out of the can.