Do we really need... "Excellent child" bumper stickers?

This is obviously something I either hold dearly to my heart, or get mad about when I'm drunk.  First, let me say this is really just a continuation of my Do we really need... Participation trophies? blog, that I wrote several months ago.  No, I am not running out of material, I just hate your children.

Anyways, back to topic.  I remember when I was a student, I would see cars rocking a bumper sticker that exclaimed how proud the driver was of their honor-roll child.  My parents never earned those bragging rights from me, however I am sure they did from my sisters.  This would've been fine for me because people could have mistaken me for being the brilliant young mind in the vehicle.  However, recently I have started seeing new bumper stickers.

My kid is great...  Just because they showed up!

Is that where we are folks?  We are rewarding kids for just doing what they are supposed to do?  I have never worked anywhere that had a boss that would congratulate me for working "just like everyone else"!  Of course I am not here to stand on a podium and tell you how ridiculous you are...  I'm only here to tell you some of the shit you do is ridiculous!

There is only one acceptable anti-honor student bumper-sticker around...  and it is not the one that says you have an excellent student.  Now, I am not an advocate for my shitty kid beating up your incredibly smart kid, but if that's what my kid is good at I am going to show it off!  Having an "excellent kid" bumper stick is the equivalent to having one of those stick-figure family stickers!  (I abuse exclamation-points)  I don't care that you have an "excellent child"...  you are only trying to cushion the fact that your kid is just mediocre, and get them to feel great about their mediocrity!

Side note.

Have you guys seen those shitty cars rocking a college university bumper-sticker or window-decal?  Yeah, I want to send my kid to the same university as the person driving the '82 Toyota Tercel with spinning hub-caps.  Yes, you are doing that school a "solid".

Let's motivate our children!

I can get on-board with motivating our children.  One thing I can't get on board with is motivating them to do...  what they are expected to do!  How does that prepare them for life?  I arrive to work on time every day...  My boss does not own a bumper-sticker that exclaims: "I have an employee that does what is expected of him!"  (I realize I made the same point earlier...  please keep up with my intoxication levels!)

Here is something that is really messed up...  It usually takes at least one parent ignoring their child to encourage that said child to reach greatness!  The kids that were raised in a single-parent home are more likely to overcome adversity than the kid who grew up with two parents praising them for eating their vegetables (insert exclamation-point abuse here)...  My sister would do here Judge Mathis impression right now.  I have no evidence to back this claim.  I did, however, read something about something else which prompted me to reference another thing that I am sure gives my argument solid-ground.  All of my research was conducted on the Internet...  that makes it true!

Several solutions.

First, we stop using our cars as a way to express our views.  If I am behind you on the highway, I hate you already.  This, in turn, will make me hate whatever message you are trying to convey.  Suddenly, I do not want to coexist, I do not want to vote for your favored presidential candidate, I hate your sports team - full disclosure: I rock a Giants license plate frame - I hate your baby who is on board, I no longer want to impeach Nixon, and I hate whatever funny phrase you think is important for me to read!

Final analysis.

Stop...  I don't even care that you have a child...  as long as you don't have a mini-criminal.  If you do have a mini-criminal, please make us aware of that tidbit of info.  However, that information would not make me hate your children less...  please, stop letting your mini-criminals put their mouth on everything.