Do we really need... Throw pillows?

I must say "thank you" to my loving wife for pointing out this one.  We have a new bedroom set that came with decorative throw pillows.  Every morning we would make the bed, place the throw pillows, and leave the room.  The funny part is, when we are in the bedroom, we are in the bed.  In this situation, throw pillows just get in the way!

I want my 112 minutes a year back!


If you own throw pillows, you spend roughly 2 hours of your year removing and replacing them from/on your bed.  You haven't told me what your hobbies are, one of mine is video games.  Man, two straight hours of video games I can be playing (one day out of the year).  Instead I spend that time decorating my bed with dysfunctional pillows.

Let me make it even more depressing.  How often do people see your bedroom?  Most people that I know do not have their bedroom displayed in a Pier One catalog.  This is the only defense for throw pillows.  I looked great in a catalog, didn't I?

You aren't throwing anything!


That is right folks.  The whole name is deceitful.  You don't literally "throw" these things.  Now that I think about it, once the pillows are placed, shouldn't they be "thrown" pillows?  There are too many questions that can't be answered.  I digress.  You do not physically throw them.  You actually carefully place and readjust them until they look perfect.  Then you go on about your day never to look at them again.  But hey, at least the walls of your unoccupied bedroom probably enjoy them.

Actually, the more I write, the more pissed I get.  Wasn't there a scene in a movie where a couple tears up their throw pillows?  Along Came Polly?  Who knows.  It looks like a lot of fun.  Do we really need the movie "Along Came Polly"?  Ben Stiller, you are dead to me.  Ever since your father queried "have you been crushing any pussy?"  I found you very....  creepy.

Final analysis


Get rid of them.  Especially because you are the only person they might benefit.  It is ridiculous to decorate your bed with something that you only enjoy while you are decorating your bed (redundant much?).  I am embarrassed to admit that I was a user...  I am through the 12 step program, and now I feel satisfied.

Do we really need... Beer bottle/can innovations?

Allow me to preface this with the fact that I am a professional drinker.  I was a bartender for several years, and  considered my drinking as "market research".  Now that I am no longer a bartender, my drinking has become more of an "ongoing study"...  Either way, I do it for the people, don't criticize my research!

We need to change this!


It would be impossible to catalog the amount of times I was hanging with my friends drinking beer, and we collectively discussed how our beer-to-liver delivery system needed innovations.  Why would it be impossible to catalog?  These discussions NEVER happen.  Drunks all around the world have been using ingenuity to make the process of drinking faster and more effective.  If a beer company really wanted to be innovative, all they would have to do is include a disposable beer-funnel with every 12 pack.  Or include an icepick so we can pop a hole and shotgun every beer.

Why do beer companies think their innovation will get us to change our brand?  Coors Light started the "blue mountain means you have a cold beer" thing.  Do you know how I make sure my beer is cold?  I touch it.  I feel it.  The nerves in my fingertips pass some information on to my brain and my brain responds accordingly.  My need for beer will determine the way I react to that information.

Miller lite, you are the biggest culprit.


The wide-mouth can was by far the best innovation.  The problem with the beer industry, is they didn't realize that was the end.  Fire your scientists and stop your research, they are driving the cost of my beer upwards, needlessly.  You might have noticed I didn't jump onto Miller Lite immediately...  it's coming.

Miller Lite has been making ridiculous "innovations", one after the other, for years now.  We don't need the 16oz aluminum can-bottle.  We don't need the vortex long-neck.  We don't need the push-top can.  And you certainly are doing a horrible job at making your target consumer forget, that at the end of the day, they are still drinking Miller Lite.  Oh, and whatever company started the 8oz ponies?  Very counter productive.  Who the hell wants to drink beer 8oz's at a time?  Well, I would if a 12oz or 16oz version wasn't available.

Final analysis.


Beer companies, stick to what you do...  making beer and really funny commercials.  Leave the ways we consume your product up to us.  Oh, and also, you should put reminders on your cans that if we save the empties and bring them to a scrap yard, we could get some money for it.  It would be nice to recoup some money, considering my 12 packs aren't a great investment!

Do we really need... Instructional farewells?

So during work today I was leaving one of our suppliers who supplies us with - well - supplies, and the gentleman said "Goodbye" to which I replied "take care".  As I was exiting the building I thought "wait, did I just add to his 'to-do' list"?!  This poor guy probably has a boss, breathing down his neck all day, and now a complete stranger just gave him another task!

My future looks bleak.

Now I am doomed.  Anytime I hear someone say "take care", I am going to feel like our departure was left unfinished.  As if, for some unknown circumstances, there was information they were trying to give me but couldn't.  What do I need to "take care" of?  Take care of WHAT?!?  The lawn?  Myself?  Grocery shopping?   My wife (you know what I am talking about)?

I know how utterly ridiculous this may sound (did you not read my Welcome?), but my point is, a farewell should not come off as an instruction!  When I leave your home, office, or presence, that last thing I want to hear is "Hey...  do this", no matter how friendly it might be.  Then I do the complete opposite.  So if you say: "Take care", my response is to smoke a bunch of cigarettes and drink a bunch of beers in retaliation.

"Have a great day" - I'm looking at you.


This one is slightly worse.  This farewell assumes one of two things.

1. You believe the person is not nearly as intelligent as you are to wake up and say: "Today is going to be great", so you pass on your wisdom in the form of an obnoxious reminder.

2. You have the ability to make someone who is having a bad day think for a second and say: "Oh yeah!  That sounds like a GREAT idea!  Thanks!"  (A little abusive with the exclamation points for that one.)

Either way, you look like a complete and total asshole.

Final Analysis.


Let's totally nix instructions from traditional farewells.  Let's try and stick to "So long", "Goodbye", and "Hasta la Vista....  baby" and we will do much better as a human race.

Oh, and check out my archives!

Do we really need... Hot beverage warnings?

Have you ever been to Starbucks and requested a coffee (I know... asking for a plain coffee in Starbucks is quite a challenge), and then were surprised that it was hot?  Of course not...  Unless you are from a place that doesn't have electricity and running water (like Russia), we all know that coffee is hot.  So is hot tea, hot chocolate, and a whole list of beverages that begin with the word "hot".

True story

Some people even order coffee by saying: "I will have a hot coffee please", even though the "hot" is implied.

Another true story

It has become increasingly popular to order a cold version of coffee.  This is only referred to as "iced coffee".  The word "iced" would imply that if a man spilled this on his lap, intense shrinkage would follow.

Anyways, I digress.

The beginning of this madness

A random woman ordered a coffee from McDonald's, she probably ordered food as well (she was also probably fat... a lot of speculation going on here)...  As she was handed the coffee and attempted to jam it between her emergency-break and seat (remember when cars seamed to lack cup holders?), she spilled it on herself.  From what I understand, she burned herself pretty badly - but it wasn't her fault.  How dare they serve her a beverage at the temperature that particular beverage is normally enjoyed?

She sued the SHIT out of McDonalds and is now a millionaire, well she was...  She probably blew all of her money on stupid stuff.  

Anyways, I digress.

I'm looking at you, lawyers

This would be a non-issue if there weren't attorneys that entertained the idea:  "OK, so you ordered a coffee..  OK..  and next you took a sip?  Well, did you blow on it? No, ok...  we'll just leave that out...  and WHAT?  You burned your tongue?!?  OK, we will sue for $25million...  They will settle out for $5million!"

I know, I know...  That was a stretch.  My point is, why are lawyers so eager to sue over people's random acts of clumsiness?  Of course the larger companies just settle out of court.  They don't want to spend the money fighting the case.  If I ran McDonald's, I would've opted to take the high road.  Instead of turning this lady into a McMillionaire, I would've fought with every dime I had to ensure she didn't touch mine (money...  pervert).  But, that's me.

Final Analysis

Get rid of those damn things.  We are getting dumb'd down as it is...  Let's start giving people the benefit of the doubt (woah)...  Ok, so maybe we do need them!