Do We Really Need... Clocks on Appliances?

I understand wanting to add features to your product in order to give you an edge up on your competition, but there has to be a moment of re-evaluation of old features, and maybe decide to try something different!  I believe the appliance manufacturers believe we consumers stand in amazement looking at an oven thinking: "Look, IT TELLS TIME!"

It took an intense drinking moment.

I was over my brother-in-laws house (do you hyphenate that?), drinking well beyond the point of inebriation, and I hit a crossroads.  Do I go to the restroom and make urine?  or Do I go to the kitchen and grab another beer?  The beer thought was the easy winner in a 30second TKO bout (that will be my last attempt at a boxing reference).  I headed toward the kitchen.

I couldn't believe I had never noticed it before.  There was approximately 10 clocks occupying a small 10x7 sq.ft. kitchen!!  Why?  The coffee maker, the stove, the microwave, the clock on the wall (weird right?), the toaster, the other toaster (they were probably the same toaster, I was really drunk), the refrigerator, the bread-maker, and finally the dishwasher.  I was shocked.  In my mind I tried to play out scenarios where I would absolutely need to know the time, that many times, in a short amount of time (that's a hard thought to mull through while intoxicated).  Here is the best part, they were not all telling the same time!  How useless!

In other beef.

What is up with the TV on the refrigerator?  Nice try, but, COME ON!  What can you really watch on a fridge-TV?  Who even sets up a room with a refrigerator in a fashion that would force focus ON the refrigerator!  It doesn't make any sense to me.  Even in a jam on Football Sunday (or Monday, or Thursday), if every TV in the house was occupied, I'd rather sit next to the fridge and watch Football on my smartphone.  Why?  So I don't have to miss a second from opening the damn fridge and grabbing another beer.

Back to it...  what can we do?

Demand more.  We, as consumers, are no longer impressed with clocks.  At this point, it would be more useful to display the date because I consider it a hassle to pull out my smartphone to check what the date is! However, that would be selfish of me to suggest, so let me make some more suggestions:  iPod docking station w/ speakers, built in coffee makers (huh?  Free up some counter-space), a bottle opener, an air freshener, a digital display with Scientology talking-points, hell - even a spice rack - JUST NO MORE CLOCKS!!

Final Analysis.

It is now time to work on patents for new features on appliances.  It made sense on a stove way-back-when.  You know, the days when people hung clocks on walls?  We are in new times... let's pox the clocks (does that work?)

Do we really need... The NFL Pro Bowl?

The NFL Pro Bowl is an anomaly to most.  Year in and year out people torture themselves for 4 hours in front of the TV watching what appears to be a pathetic skirmish against two thrown-together teams consisting of rival players who would much rather be physically assaulting strippers than pretending to give a shit about this pointless game.  Could that be considered a run-on sentence?  I would consult my wife the English teacher, but she is asleep (she obviously only cares about herself).

But Dan, it's Football, how can it suck?

That should be the case no?  The model of the All-Star game should actually foster quite an intense match up.  You take the best players from all teams and make divisional teams, and have the two teams duke it out!  Sounds great right!?  WRONG.  Let me paint a picture for you.  Two heavy-weight boxers, both coming up the ranks by beating the shit out of their past contenders.  It's the big title-bout.  They get in the ring. They undress their robes, pull down their boxing trunks, oil each other up, and proceed to push each other back and forth for, like, 4 hours.  Sounds boring right?  While that is something I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to see, I can understand how boxing fans would be quite disappointed with this bout.

This tackle is more intense than ANY seen in the Pro Bowl.

But Dan, it's FOOTBALL!


OK, fair point (again)...  Here is the problem.  By the time the Pro Bowl comes around, the season is over.  Two teams are left, and they are playing in the Superbowl (which is WAY more important), so those teams' players get a pardon.

So the players in the Pro Bowl are all LOSERS, who just want to go ahead and get on with their vacations.  Hell, if I just earned $4,000,000+, I'd be ready to assault strippers myself!

Why are those two very short paragraphs relevant?  Because the players in the pro-bowl are simply doing what they can to not get injured!  Who would want to get injured in (arguably) the least important game of the NFL season?  Pre-season included!!  Yes, the Pro Bowl is harder to watch than preseason games.  Sacs barely happen, tackles are pansy-ish at best, and no one wants to go for the big plays!  Seriously, this group of children in a Pop Warner league have more intense tackles!

The ones wearing the Cowboys Uniforms are future criminals.

Final Analysis


We need to do something quickly.  I am not yet going to say we DON'T need it, because hey, it's Football! It is in need of some serious repair, and fast.  Here is how we fix it.  Let the Football Season play its course. Have the Superbowl.  Allow the players to go on drug binges and whatever the hell else professional athletes do with a ton of money and time off (like assault strippers).  At the beginning of the FOLLOWING season, right before preseason, take all of the best players from the previous year, put them on their divisional teams, and have the Pro Bowl right before the beginning of the following season.

Well, that might not work either.  Than you are going to have a bunch of rusty good-for-nothings on the field, and while you might get great hits, you are probably going to sacrifice poor passes, dropped balls, and sluggish play.  Maybe there is no hope for the Pro Bowl...