Do we really need... Best Burger awards?

Take a moment to think where you've had the best burger.  Go ahead...  I'll give you a minute.

Got it?  Ok...  you're full of sh*t.  It was a f*cking burger for God's sake.  I'm sure it had a bunch of toppings on it - which made it a better combination of toppings than it did a burger.  A hamburger is ground beef.  All you have to do is season it, then throw some other sh*t on, and boom - great burger.  If ground beef wasn't good with almost everything, there wouldn't be a Hamburger Helper...  and Hamburger Helper is awesome.

Credit - Someone...  I think Epic Meal Time

Who would not eat the sh*t out of this if was right in front of them?  If you claim you wouldn't, you're either lying or vegetarian.  If you're the former, fine - no one likes you, if you're the latter - stop ruining food for everyone.  Yes, you're a vegetarian, we know.  How do we know?  You probably just told us, that's how.

Your burger is good because there is tested (and approved) combination of food going on top of it - Onions and tomatoes go great with lettuce.  Mozzarella goes great with marinara.  Some people believe cole-slaw is good with chili.  Pickles are good by themselves, so we'll throw them on...  why the hell not? - what makes a burger great rarely has anything to do with the burger itself.  I'm willing to bet, any place that displays their "best burger" badge with honor has never had anyone actually eat their burger plain on a bun.  Why?  Because it wouldn't be a great burger, it'd just be seasoned and pattied ground-beef plus bread.  Who the f*ck craves seasoned and pattied ground-beef plus bread?  Seriously, if you tell me you like a burger on a bun plain, I hate you, and you shouldn't even be talking to me.  Why are you telling me about your obnoxiously inappropriate eating habits?

Cow 101

These oddly adorable creatures would be udderly (hah!  See what I did?  Good one Dan) useless if it weren't for the fact that we could eat over 50% of their bodies.  Now, let's all acknowledge certain parts of this wonderful creature do take precise seasoning and preparation in order to execute the perfect meal.  Now that that's out of the way, when you take its meat and just feed it through a f*cking meat-grinder, you're circumventing the whole precise part, and you can even get away with skipping the whole seasoning part.  It's a burger.  You're going to end up throwing sh*t on there anyway, so just get it over with.  If anything, you should be shunned for your grossly irresponsible use of time by putting a bunch of work into something we are just going to f*ck up with mustard, lettuce, cheese, and whatever else you put out to accompany your "masterpiece."

Final Analysis

Quit your f*cking burger-love.  They're awesome, we know.  It doesn't take much.  I can punish whatever burger you put in front of my face from Hardee's, and I will tell you immediately after that it was the best burger I've ever had.  If you own a restaurant and your claim-to-fame is a burger...  well, then it might as well be because you have employees.  Or lights.