Do we really need... Mini-vans?

These rolling boxes have been plaguing our roadways with their hideousness for YEARS!  Someone really needs to stop the car manufacturers from allowing the wheels of these things to ever touch a paved road again!  I hate these things.  From the sliding side doors, to the stale smell of cheese balls (they all smell like stale cheese balls) because your children are slobs and drop food, I hate them (your children, as well as your mini-vans).

But we need to lug around the whole family!

Yes, I get the need to roll around with more square footage than a standard sedan.  But the year is not 1992... We have crossovers and SUV's now!  They are sportier, and if you are a soccer mom, you look much hotter when stepping out of anything other than a minivan!  Check out this crap of a minivan I found a picture of (this hunk of garbage was for sale online!), ignore the rust and the different paint.  Does it look like Chrysler was even trying?!?  I hope whatever group of engineers green-lighted this project was immediately escorted off Chrysler property...  Even with a brand spanking new paint job and new interior, I would not be able to own this thing.  Every day, I would wake up and have to make one very important decision.  Do I drive the minivan, or do I kill myself?

Enter Scion.


What in the hell was Scion thinking?  Their flagship car was the offspring of a crappy minivan, and a Volkswagon beetle...  and the poor child inherited the body of the minivan and the frame of the beetle.

In what universe is this a nice vehicle?  Hell, I wonder if the owner purchased the rims for this thing as a joke, because the car needs much more than rims to do it justice.  It needs to be a completely different vehicle.

Did the people at Scion get together and think: "Ok, the minivan was already created.  So, in order to be fresh, let's take the minivan, and strip it of all minivan functionality!"

They had a short run of success when they created the DJ inspired Scion xA, with a turntable station in the rear... but then DJ's started realizing they were duped because no venue would let them drive their cars onto the stage!  I'm just glad you don't see more of these things.  That means I am not the only person that was fooled by their attempt to market a "hipster kid" vehicle.  Nissan was fooled, and now they have a Nissan Cube.  Think really hard, you don't see many Nissan Cubes.  Why?  Because they suck, and like the minivan, we don't need them.

Final Analysis.


With all of the advancements we have had in the auto industry, let's leave minivans to Mexican painters (too racist?), and that is it.  Women aren't hot in them.  Men look like idiots driving them.  No one ever takes care of them.  They smell.  They're an eyesore.  I hate them.

Do we really need... The phrase: "roughing it"?

This weekend I had the pleasure of going camping with my wife, two sisters, and their two husbands (not each).  One of my sisters had posted on her Facebook wall that she was going to be "roughing it" camping.  I laughed and thought "are we not going to have 4G coverage?"  Then of course the whole weekend I was thinking about that particular phrase and realized: we aren't at all roughing it.


Oh yeah, we had it "rough" all right.


We had to sleep inside a tent and we had shoddy cell phone service.  These were the roughest parts through the entire weekend!  We slept on air mattresses which wasn't terrible and an electric pump for easy inflating.  We had a portable stove, a portable propane grill, and plenty of firewood that we did not chop ourselves.  The wood was dry so it burned with east, and my brother-in-law had bought a duraflame starter log, so creating a fire was no hassle.  We had brought plenty of food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  We had 3 cases of Miller Lite, 1 case of Coors Light, 3 cases of Bud Light, 2 bottles of Vodka and 2 bottles of wine.  There was an electric outlet, bathrooms, and showers.  It was borderline inhumane.

What is hard to believe is that we were among the ones who did "have it rough".  We actually had to walk to the restrooms, and had power at one individual source that had to be distributed via extension cords and power-strips.  There was a large group of people making use of portable apartments at the campsite.  The funny part is, these people considered what they are doing as "camping"!  I argue that they are merely "apartment moving", because what they are doing hardly resembles camping.  I can imagine the only fun and exciting part is moving their mammoth sized vehicle-houses from one site to another.  Especially when you take into consideration the tight and winding mountain roads!  It was a challenge navigating my small '06 Hyundai Elantra (yeah, so keep clicking my sponsors until you read my complaints on high gas prices, and poor gas mileage from my Ferrari) up and down those crazy roads!

Oh, we had to clean up the damn place.  That was kind of "rough".  Imagine waking up completely hung over, ready to get on the road to get home, and having to break down and clean up.  It was pretty miserable.  KOA campground needs to add a cleaning service for campsites.  They could price-gouge the shit of that service too.  I wonder ponder paying upwards of $500 for the convenience of being able to just bolt on the last day.

Do we even know how to "rough it"?


Let's face it.  A majority of us have been pussified over the past two decades.  I am pretty sure there are people living in some countries who have to decide whether to feed or eat their children, and here I am getting pissed off because I can't check my Google+ while thinking my life is OVER.  Just think about that!  People deciding whether to make a meal for their children or of their children!  In all seriousness, it is quite sad.

Ten years ago companies were able to get away with charging for Wi-Fi (Wireless....  what the hell does the Fi mean? (fidelity...  see, I didn't even have to get up and get a dictionary!  Thanks Google)), nowadays we just expect to be connected no matter where we go.  Don't get me started on Starbucks!  How the hell did they figure out how to get people to stay inside their damn store all day?  All they sell is over priced, shitty, "gourmet" coffee to hipsters with Mac books, writing God knows what they are writing about (I just thought of how ironic it would be if I was writing this sitting at a table in Starbucks).  OK, where was I?  Oh right, how convenient everything has become.  Even meeting and keeping in touch with people has become a snap professionally and socially with sites like Facebook, LinkedIn, Myspace (hah!  Who uses Myspace anymore), Twitter, and Google+.

By no means am I suggesting that I am suddenly going to stop lugging around my laptop everywhere I go, or start offering businesses donations to help them maintain their internet bills.  Absolutely not.  The weekend DID get me thinking about how easy camping has become, and our idea of "roughing it" has become quite pathetic.

Solution?


Luckily there is a solution (If you are wondering if I am going to take my own advice, my answer will be: "Hell to the NO"...  Well, I might, but I doubt it).  We all need to take one REAL camping trip.  We load up the basics: beer, tent, clothes, basic hygiene products, lighter, knife, and basic food.  Trek into the woods, find an area to set up camp.

Does the solution sound miserable?  Absolutely, which is why I stopped.  I was getting bored and exhausted just thinking about doing something so lame.

The other solution.


Let's stop using that damn phrase!

Do we really need... Skinny jeans for men?

I have secretly wished for a long time that I was home-schooled as a child, and then took up residence underneath a rock.  However, I am really looking into renting beneath-rock space now more than ever.  Why?  It is this new "hipster" era, and what is making it even worse is these "hipster" men rocking women's clothing.  It is even catching on amongst the "gangstas", which really leads me to believe we are becoming a country full of pussies (sorry for being vulgar...  and, sorry Kim, and Jenn, and Mom).

Just imagine if this group of bandanna wearing....  ok.  So these guys are obviously gay.  I was going to paint this whole scenario where these guys were robbing you, but unless you were a female with a Louis Vuitton handbag, I can imagine they would just leave you alone.  I kid the gays!  But seriously, how do you even get into those damn things?  Do you need bunk beds, and some device that opens the pants standing up on the floor, and jump from the top bunk in?  Are they made of denim?  And what is with that guy posing in the green in the back?  Is he "sexy and he knows it"?  Hey, I am not here to answer all of your ridiculous questions...  I am here to be ridiculous.  Me: 1, You: 0.  But I digress.


Yes, gentlemen, I know...  we are jealous of women!

As men, we all fantasize about having breasts.  How awesome would that be?!?  And all young virgin men also fantasize about being a female slut.  It is in our DNA.  As long as there are no women to fornicate with, we fantasize about being a promiscuous female (which is weird, because the second we have a daughter we are welding a chastity belt to their bodies.  Who woulda thunk?).  It is almost like we dream about over-compensating for the women who refuse to have sex with us!  (Oh yeah...  slut, fornicate, breasts, and sex in the same paragraph.  As Nelly would say: It's getting hot in herrr).

It's seems to me that one man thought: "Oh, she looks really good in that tight pair of jeans.  I think I am going to buy a pair and force my hairy unattractive legs into them!"  To make matters worse, these guys have no problem wearing an article of clothing named: Skinny Jeans!

Look at this douche-bag to the right.  The faux-hawk wasn't enough for him.  He had to rock the one-size too-small Ed Hardy shirt, the skinny jeans, and to top it off the flip-flops.  It probably only took a couple of skinny-cocktails for him to garner up the balls (which are probably suffocating) to even pose for this picture!  Oh, and the sign over his left shoulder, the one in the shape of the octagon, isn't only telling the cars to stop.  It is a message to any man who thinks this is the way to dress...  STOP!! 

There wasn't enough cuts?

Boot cut, straight cut, wide leg, STOP.  That was it men!  No need to even "taper" your jeans because they made you look like idiots!  God how I long for the days when "sagging" your pants were in style!  Just the right amount of "sag", with some baggy jeans made you look tough.

Do yourself a favor, Google: Men wearing skinny jeans, and I will show you a gallery of men who should've been there to testify against Jerry Sandusky (too soon?)

Final analysis.

I'm sorry, even if you are a male ballerina, there is no reason to take the leotard off-stage.  Guys wearing these things look like idiots (and no, it is not just the faux-hawk distracting us from the skinny-jeans).  Get rid of them...  Get back to being men.  Next time you hear a feminist complain about not being able to change the world, please direct her to this blog, and kindly tell her that she has done enough damage.