Adult assembly required.

So, in preparation for my son who is to be delivered in August, my wife and I have been converting one of our spare bedrooms into a nursery.  This, of course, includes building a crib.  It didn't take three minutes after opening the box (opening the box took more like 15 minutes) for me to just get incredibly pissed at lawyers and our society in general.

I don't know about you, but I am sick of the obvious being stated.  From Caution: Hot Beverage being printed on my take-out coffee cups to Do not eat on those tiny packages of ball-like things that are packaged with electronics.  Hey society, let us take some f*cking risks!  We learn in school that a function of Darwinism is the strong overcoming the obstacles the weak are unable to, which leads to a stronger species. We have been interfering with Darwin now for over forty years, and the result is a huge society filled with pansies, and men are now wearing make-up.

You mean, my unborn baby shouldn't be building this?

Is there anyone who reads this and immediately thinks: Oh, sh*t...  well little Billy, it looks like I'm going to have to put this damn thing together myself now.  No.  Any a**hole who was going to have a child put together a crib won't suddenly have a moment of clarity and do the right thing.  Also, we are expecting way to little from our kids nowadays.  Ever see Little House on the Prairie?  Little Billy would already be going toe-to-toe with a King Rattlesnake (if there is such a thing), single-handedly choke out the snake, de-venom the damn thing, and serve it up for his family.  Let's also not forget that the crib was made in China.  I wonder how many of the workers assembling the pieces of the crib were only three years out of a crib themselves!  Here in the US, however, we wrap Billy up in a catcher's protective gear, put seven extra wheels on his bicycle, and tell him to have at it...  And he looks like a wobbling idiot as he goes down the street learning nothing.

I feel I have already touched on this with Hot Beverage Warnings, but every time I see something stating the damn obvious, I die a little inside (and as a smoking beer-aholic, I need all the life I can get).  I'm sure after my kid is born, I will see more and more of these "obvious" warning labels, so stay tuned.  For now, I'm saying: Hey lawyers, f*ck you!

Do we really need...Miley Cyrus "twerking"?

You want to watch a train-wreck happen in slow motion?  Go back 6 or 7 years when Miley Cyrus played sweet little Hannah Montana and follow her career to today.  Then, look at the very young girls who look up to Miley follow her every move on this trash-train to no inhibitions.

Just look at the way Miley's sister dressed up for Halloween a year or two ago.  What the f*ck?  Far be it from me to know when to bite my tongue, but I will practice restraint on account of the fact that she is nine years old in this picture.  But again, what the f*ck?

Do younger sisters of superstars have no parents?  What father lets his nine-year old daughter dress up in the same boots that you only find in S&M movies?  Also, I thought the standard for dresses and skirts was, like an inch or two above the knee.  Granted, she has small legs (she was nine for God's sake), but the dress is more like an inch or two (more like an inch) below the waist!

I've spent too much time on Miley's younger sister, who I am willing to bet is getting into outfits now that make this look like a Brownie's uniform.  Let's get back to the Superstars Disney creates, shall we?

Apparently Miley was "twerking" some B-rated rap-star Juicy J (the only Juicy I recognize in the Hip Hop world is the song by the late Notorious BIG).  Now, I don't know what "twerking" is, but Miley makes it look like she is riding an air-d*ck.  If this is what twerking is, and if twerking is a recognizable dance, I'm afraid I'm ready to check out of this world.

Here is some edited footage:

Well, one thing's for sure: the phrase "Go white girl" does not come to mind.  Here is something that comes to mind: Where the hell is Lil' Kim in a half-dress wearing a pasty to smack some sense into this chick?  Foxy Brown?  Hell, Da Brat?  Again...  what the f*ck!

Do we really need... PC Laptops?

My laptop's battery got into the danger-zone, and the warning message we are all too familiar with opened on my screen:

It dawned on me...  is my laptop being politically correct?  What other power source must you mean, Windows?  I know, I'll do the onion/Gatorade thing - you know, where the guy charges his iPod?

  

We don't want you to feel left out.

We wouldn't want all the other power sources to feel left out, would we?  How would you feel if you were a steam-powered generator, and you knew laptops around the world weren't including you as a power source option?  I wouldn't want to live in a world that only favored the most convenient option for power-generation.  Maybe there is a species of giant hamsters...  ok, now we're just getting ridiculous, but you catch my drift.  So next time you are using your laptop and the battery nears the end of its life, make sure you consult Wikipedia's list of energy sources before walking just a couple of feet to the wall outlet.  Yeah, most houses nowadays have wall outlets every couple of feet...  but we don't want convenience to get in the way of all the other great sources of power, such as a hamster running on a wheel (I couldn't help but get that out!)

Final Analysis

Pox this politically correct crap.  If someone can legitimately find a better way to charge a laptop battery, please let me know.  Until then, Windows, just say "Plug in your f**king computer"!

Good day.