Do we really need... The iPotty?

I rarely start off swearing, but where the f*ck are we going as a world folks?  The iPotty?  Whichever way we are going as a world, I am now convinced we have gone too far to turn around.  The iPotty is a training toilet with an iPad-dock.  Yes, a training toilet with an iPad dock.  You can't make this sh*t up!

It was first unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), and from what I understand Apple never attends (as a vendor).  See Apple?  This is what f*cking happens to your products when you don't have a presence at the Consumer Elections Show!  This is your fault!

But every moment should be a learning experience!

To the parents buying and the people constantly making this crap, you need to stop.  What will a kid get out of using an iPad while learning to take a dump, besides wanting to use the iPad every time they go into the bathroom?  Oh, and I've got some news for you...  Using the restroom is easy for you, you've been doing it all your life.  It's easy for you to pick up a magazine or a mobile device and read while you are doing "the biz"...  However, while your kid is potty-training - they are learning something - they are learning how to take a f*cking dump without getting it everywhere!  Do you really want to distract them?  The last thing you need to do is let your kid be distracted, unless you want the highlight of their life to be running a blog where they get to bitch about sh*t like the iPotty.

Look at this poor kid.  The oppressive weight of having to use the restroom with no digital entertainment is really taking a toll on him.  Little does he know, there are parents who are spendthrifts all over the country not allowing their children to deal with the same suffering as he (if that's not a commercial for first-world problems, I'm not sure what is).

From here on out we should make a rule:  You are not allowed to have any form of entertainment (magazine, book, electronic device, etc) in the restroom until you can f*cking use the restroom - from start to finish - by yourself.  That includes full operation of the door (opening, closing, locking), operating the lights, cleaning up, and flush.  Once you can do that, then you can bring your f*cking iPad in.

Final Analysis.

Sorry for the swearing folks, I don't know what came over me.  Anyways, I can't fault the creators.  Many people try to create products that fail because there is no demand in the market.  I hate to wish any ills on anyone making a product, but I am hoping there is no market for the iPotty.

Do we really need... A West / Kardashian baby?

I am pretty sure all of us have been to some public place in the past - looked around at the people occupying said place - and thought: "Gee, I hope none of these people reproduce."  Think of the last time you were at the DMV or Post Office, or maybe at a family reunion.  No matter where it was, we've all had this feeling.  If you are thinking: "I've never thought that", chances are people feel that way about you.

Very rare, however, do we feel this way when we turn on the TV.  As a kid I always hoped Zach knocked up Kelly on Saved By The Bell.  I always wanted little Kevin Arnold to put the screws to Winnie Cooper on the Wonder Years (too much?)...  However, I never, ever, ever wanted to see Kim Kardashian with child.  Throw in some Kanye West genes with the Kardashian blend?  This poor kid has no chance.

Let's talk to the fella's!

Yo Kanye, what the hell are you thinking man?  Do you know this chick holds the world record for shortest marriage ever (might not be factually correct)!  If you are going for a Jay-Z/Beyonce thing, you completely failed.  Beyonce is extremely talented.  Kim Kardashian is famous because of her parents (not sure which one) and leaking a sex-tape (which Pamela Anderson totally did first, and after that Paris Hilton...  So she just reinvented the leaked-porno-wheel), and you didn't even want to masturbate to the sex-tape...  so I hear....  No really, a friend told me that...  OK, I masturbated to her sex-tape!

That's who you want mothering your child?  To make her parents proud, all she had to do was not make a sex-tape.  That's it!  

All my single-ladies!

Well, I would throw in a little about Kanye here, but we have Chris Brown in the entertainment business.  As long as Chris Brown is around, Kanye will appear to be a semi-decent pick.  

But what about the kid!

See what I'm talking about folks?  I've dedicated a blog post to Kimye's (that reminds me, TMZ: it feels like you're forcing those now) baby and have exhausted 358 words on its incredibly self-absorbed celebrity-parents.  Let's just hope they don't spend their money like they will continue to make these sums for their entire lives, and let's hope to hell they hire some people to do a majority of the baby-raising!

Celebrity parents are usually so good at doing their jobs aren't they?  Look at Brittany over here almost dropping her baby.  You can see her carefully thinking about how to turn this into a papparazzi nip-slip for the internet tabloids!  Even her publicist behind her is in "catch the baby because this nip-slip is going to earn me some cash" mode.

Oh, and remember when Michael Jackson died?  People were either talking about the King of Pop dying, or that his death overshadowed Farrah Fawcett's death.  Nothing about Michael's poor children (one of which was held out of a hotel window Lion King style)...  Celebrity parents suck...  Even Brad and Angelina (whatever her name is) are terrible parents.  Sure, they adopt kids from impoverished nations.  But they are hording them like some weird cat-lady does cats!  Oh, and remember Dave Hasselhoff's daughter?  She recorded her drunk-ass father on the floor eating a burger.  No one does that to the Hoff!

Final analysis.

Take this baby away.  For God's sake, give Casey Anthony another shot.  Nothing can be worse than these two having a kid together.  And yes, I know Snookie has a kid.



Do we really need... Camouflage clothing?

Redneck fashion tip of the day: Camouflage matches everything (and anything).

This trend has haunted us for the past two (at least) decades, and I have finally had enough!  I'm sorry, if you aren't in a jungle with an AK-47 and need to remain hidden from people trying to kill you - you should not be wearing camouflage anything!  And the people who do actually make it out in public wearing camouflage - does their family and friends hate them?!  My wife doesn't let me leave the house unshaven, let alone dressed in anything as equally embarrassing as camouflage!

You got no legs Lt. Dan!

OK, if you go to Google Images, and search "Camouflage Redneck", you will be entertained for a rock-solid half-an-hour.  It's hilarious!  

Anyways, I often wondered if people wore camouflage in public to keep a portion of their bodies hidden from everyone else...  Camouflage does serve a purpose; Being fashionable is not one of them, so there has to be another reason people wear them.  Is there someone who wants to fight them, and at any given moment they might have to blend in with their surroundings?  There is no way wearing camouflage gets them laid, they'd have a better chance finding a mate while riding a Moped.  So what is it?!  Do they plan on scaring passer-by's?  Is there a guild of redneck ninjas and camouflage is how they remain hidden?  Yes, I am assuming only rednecks wear camouflage.  Oh, and if you are a female who is turned-on by camouflage - shame on you.  I am absolutely sure your father is wasting away in a bar somewhere, because you have been an extreme disappointment.

The animals are tricked every time!

Hunters wear camouflage.  True story.  Google it.  Why wouldn't you Google it?  I just told you to Google it!  Hunters wear camouflage so they won't be seen by the animals they are hunting (or preying, i guess would also work).  They also douse themselves in deer-urine, and sit in the same f**king spot for hours on end!  So which one is it?  This guy holding that light machine gun (yes, it is a light machine gun, heavy machine guns are mounted) has the right idea!  Just burst that mother-f**ker off into the forest and you'll be eating for a year!  No camouflage required!  I also like the fact that this hunter is basically saying: "I don't need to wear unfashionable camo in order to feed my family!"  If there are hunters in the forest that this guy is blasting in, let's hope they are wearing camouflage...  it'll keep them hidden from the bullets.

Final analysis.

Get rid of camouflage in any environment where it doesn't serve a purpose.  That is it folks.

Oh, and check out the f**king archives!