Do we really need... Rascals for fat people?

If you are overweight, OK...  It happens.  Exercise more often and eat better (or, move more and eat less) and you will be able to navigate this world using your own two (tired) legs.  When did this become unacceptable?  I can understand giving a rascal to those who defended our country and lost their legs...  but to give a motorized wheel-chair to the people who can't feel (or see) their legs because of their weight?  We are stretching this one a bit folks!

I was born this way.

I am not going to jump all over the fat people in this country (as fun as a fat-person trampoline might sound)...  at the same time, I am not going to redistribute the blame to food dispensaries that made your lust for gluttony a convenience!

While Perez Hilton is getting buff, there is a grave injustice happening to Michael Moore.  While the man blasts capitalism, he is abusing the very system that created the unit that allows him to get around on a day-to-day basis!  Just look at the picture of him on the left. I wonder if his next documentary will be on the structural integrity of the Rascal... and how his fellow white people have ruined that as well.

I kid Michael Moore, I know he will never create a documentary based on facts...  Let's keep going, shall we?

Why the hell are the morbidly obese given an exemption from using their arms?  To me, it seems we would want to encourage them to exercise at least one part of their body!  We are just supposed to cater to their desire of continuing their path of being "morbidly obese"?  I am sure this guy's body has swallowed his penis...  Foreskin and all.  Who cares right?  As long as the entrances to McDonalds have the double-doors that he can fit through, no need to lose weight...  right?

Intolerant bastard, it's a health risk!

Full disclosure - I am a functioning alcoholic.  I drink a ton.  Even worse, I joke about women, the sick, the disabled, blacks, polish, afghans, whites, children, and every other group I can get my hands on...  That being said, I find it very difficult to make fun of this chick.  However, the photograph does beg the question: "Why are you still eating?"

Fuller disclosure - I am going to make fun of her anyway.  Notice the picture shows her completely ignoring the fruit on her right, while she indulges into the plate of fried stuff.  Also, notice the camera-man doesn't seem to care.  Does he find over-sized women wearing teal pool-covers attractive?  Is he even more attracted to them during their quest to pile on more body-mass?  Probably.  Even her poor bracelet's tensile strength is being tested by her meaty wrist.  I am willing to bet she was panting during this photo...  She moved her right arm from her plate to her mouth...  

A full helping of analysis.

Stop.  If you are that overweight, at least exercise your arms for God's sake!  And stay away from fried stuff!  If Mayor Bloomberg really cared about the health of people in NYC, he wouldn't ban large sodas, he would allow servers in restaurants to say: "Yeah, I don't think you really need another basket of bread!"

Do we really need... "Excellent child" bumper stickers?

This is obviously something I either hold dearly to my heart, or get mad about when I'm drunk.  First, let me say this is really just a continuation of my Do we really need... Participation trophies? blog, that I wrote several months ago.  No, I am not running out of material, I just hate your children.

Anyways, back to topic.  I remember when I was a student, I would see cars rocking a bumper sticker that exclaimed how proud the driver was of their honor-roll child.  My parents never earned those bragging rights from me, however I am sure they did from my sisters.  This would've been fine for me because people could have mistaken me for being the brilliant young mind in the vehicle.  However, recently I have started seeing new bumper stickers.

My kid is great...  Just because they showed up!

Is that where we are folks?  We are rewarding kids for just doing what they are supposed to do?  I have never worked anywhere that had a boss that would congratulate me for working "just like everyone else"!  Of course I am not here to stand on a podium and tell you how ridiculous you are...  I'm only here to tell you some of the shit you do is ridiculous!

There is only one acceptable anti-honor student bumper-sticker around...  and it is not the one that says you have an excellent student.  Now, I am not an advocate for my shitty kid beating up your incredibly smart kid, but if that's what my kid is good at I am going to show it off!  Having an "excellent kid" bumper stick is the equivalent to having one of those stick-figure family stickers!  (I abuse exclamation-points)  I don't care that you have an "excellent child"...  you are only trying to cushion the fact that your kid is just mediocre, and get them to feel great about their mediocrity!

Side note.

Have you guys seen those shitty cars rocking a college university bumper-sticker or window-decal?  Yeah, I want to send my kid to the same university as the person driving the '82 Toyota Tercel with spinning hub-caps.  Yes, you are doing that school a "solid".

Let's motivate our children!

I can get on-board with motivating our children.  One thing I can't get on board with is motivating them to do...  what they are expected to do!  How does that prepare them for life?  I arrive to work on time every day...  My boss does not own a bumper-sticker that exclaims: "I have an employee that does what is expected of him!"  (I realize I made the same point earlier...  please keep up with my intoxication levels!)

Here is something that is really messed up...  It usually takes at least one parent ignoring their child to encourage that said child to reach greatness!  The kids that were raised in a single-parent home are more likely to overcome adversity than the kid who grew up with two parents praising them for eating their vegetables (insert exclamation-point abuse here)...  My sister would do here Judge Mathis impression right now.  I have no evidence to back this claim.  I did, however, read something about something else which prompted me to reference another thing that I am sure gives my argument solid-ground.  All of my research was conducted on the Internet...  that makes it true!

Several solutions.

First, we stop using our cars as a way to express our views.  If I am behind you on the highway, I hate you already.  This, in turn, will make me hate whatever message you are trying to convey.  Suddenly, I do not want to coexist, I do not want to vote for your favored presidential candidate, I hate your sports team - full disclosure: I rock a Giants license plate frame - I hate your baby who is on board, I no longer want to impeach Nixon, and I hate whatever funny phrase you think is important for me to read!

Final analysis.

Stop...  I don't even care that you have a child...  as long as you don't have a mini-criminal.  If you do have a mini-criminal, please make us aware of that tidbit of info.  However, that information would not make me hate your children less...  please, stop letting your mini-criminals put their mouth on everything.

Do we really need... Canned whole chicken?

When I first came across this monstrosity I thought it was a joke.  I figured the picture came from a website that was the food-network equivalent to The Onion and Christwire.  So I shrugged it off.  No, this shit really exists.  Let me be clear - I am all for cooking a chicken, chopping it all to hell, and THEN stuffing it in a can. Lord knows I don't want to add cooking to the list of steps to get me from canned chicken to chicken-salad sandwich.  Oh no, this is an entire friggin chicken stuffed in a can.

Spam is gross, but we can top it.

Spam isn't too far above this crap, especially in creepiness.  It slides out of the can in a very similar (albeit creepy for a food-item) fashion.  The great thing about spam (if there has to be one), is that you can slice off a chunk, throw it in a frying pan, and within minutes you can enjoy a spam, lettuce, and mayo sandwich (it wasn't easy to pair "enjoy" and "spam" in the same sentence.  I do it for you - you're welcome).  How can you enjoy a chicken, lettuce, and mayo sandwich when the chicken has bones in it?  If you want to enjoy chicken salad, why would you buy a product that you have to de-bone first? I guess the ultimate question is: What the hell do you do with this stuff?  I haven't even gotten to the worse part.  The size of the can is that of a Chunky Soup can!  Have we no heart?  We just go and kill baby chickens, and shove them in a can for our weird food-consumption needs?  Ironically the picture I provided is a product offered by "Sweet Sue".  Yeah, she is sweet alright...  especially when she is hacking off the heads of baby chickens.

Just like mom used to make.

I have very fond memories of my family gathering around the dinner table.  My mom, wearing oven mitts, would deliver a nice hot baby chicken from the oven to the dinner table.  During the delivery, I could taste the warm pale chicken, carefully coated with an odd slime-like gelatin, in my mouth.  Man this brings back memories.  What the hell is that gelatin this chicken appears to be coated with, and how the hell does "Sweet Sue" think, for a minute, that we might find it appetizing?  Any canned item that drops out a blob that makes a placenta look delicious cannot, in fact, be delicious.  Full disclosure.  This picture I included to the left is not "Sweet Sue"'s.  It is however, a canned chicken, which is equally disgusting.

I am all for convenient eating.  We no longer have to catch, kill, cook, and debone a tuna before making tuna-fish salad.  We no longer have to smoke weed and go on an all-movie adventure to eat some delicious White Castle (well, we didn't at the time of the movie either...  Harold & Kumar could've just went to the grovery store)...  However, this is one step in convenient-eating that I will not take.  What's next, canned cheeseburger?

Oh, come on...  Canned cheeseburger exists too?  F*ck you food industry!  It's bad enough we can get shitty hamburgers precooked and frozen, but now we have hamburgers with a lengthy room temperature shelf life as well?  What the f*ck is going on here?

What the hell is next?  Is my $75 steak, served perfectly medium rare from capital grill going to come from a can to?  I am afraid to search for: Canned filet-mignon, just because I do not want to see the answer.  Do yourself a favor.  Do not search Google-images for people eating canned-cheeseburger.  The results make the worst videos I've seen on Tosh.O look like two unicorns f*cking in a pristine meadow.  Spoiler alert - the images are disgusting to view!

Final analysis.

Canned food industry.  There is still some fun to cooking, and there are some things that we cook that do not belong in a can!  We, as consumers, do not want to see canned tacos, hot dogs (Vienna sausages are dangerously close), lasagna, or pizza.  And if you must can them, stop adding a layer of that weird slime-like gelatin all of the time!  It creeps us out when our meal *slides* out of the can.

Do we really need... Athletes endorsing products?

I was listening to the radio today when a commercial came on (shocking right?).  It was for some local pool company, and at the end Carolina Panther's John Beisen came on saying they were the only pool company he uses, and that was the sole reason I should use this pool company.  Now, this wasn't a pool maintenance company, they install pools.  So my first question was: how many f*cking times a year does this man install a pool?  My second question was: Why in the hell will I listen to this guy?  Was his first passion pool-install?  Did he just happen to settle for being a professional NFL athlete?

Trust me...  I'm famous!


I never understood the whole "celebrity crush" syndrome so many people seem to have.  I, personally, am for a world where famous people do their job and then shut the front door (euphemism for mouth).  Is this really a business model?  Create crappy product.  Pay someone famous (who already has millions) millions to hold/use it.  Count money.

This was a good move for James.

This has got to be the biggest hoax of all time!  We have been duped into believing that just because someone can fake out another person with a ball in their hands, they are somehow experts in other areas!  I've got news for you, they have dedicated a better portion of their lives to learning how to do things with balls in their hands, and were too busy to do any sort of product research!  We have all been FOOLED!

Let me be clear here.  I understand kids looking up to athletes as role-models and wanting to be like them, and most parents can agree that kids are the most direct route to their pocket books (or wallets, if you're a dude (yeah, why does the feminine money-carrier take precedence over the male?)).  But when was the last time you saw Kobe Bryant playing with GI Joe's in a commercial?  When was the last time you saw Nancy Kerrigan (WOW...  I am so sexist.  She is the only female athlete I know the name of.  I was going to use Serena Dion, but it didn't sound right.) riding around in one of those Barbie go-cart thing-a-ma-bobbers?  NEVER!  They advertise this crap so adults can say: "Sprite?  I never tried Sprite, but since Shaq loves Sprite, I need to try it!"  (Was it racist linking Shaq to Sprite?).

It's all about budgets.


After thinking about it for an exhausting 10 minutes, I have it figured out (you're welcome).  There was a marketing exec at a large corporation who was in charge of a HUGE marketing budget.  This seemed like a lot of work to this poor exec: "How do I spend all of this money?!?"  One day it dawned on him.  He can burn through a better portion of the budget by putting his product in some famous persons' hand, and film them holding it!  Viola!  Huge payouts are justified because the athlete is obviously used to earning millions a year, and the marketing exec just made their job THAT much easier!

I can imagine the guy thought of it while listening to Notorious B.I.G.'s song "Big Poppa".  You know at the end?  When Puff Daddy says: "Tell your friends, to get with my friends, and we can be friends"!  Thanks Puff!  (OK, I do realize athletes were endorsing products long before Biggy, but "come on!", it was funnier that way).

Final analysis.


Well, if you have it in the budget, go ahead and do it I guess.  OR, you can use that money to create more jobs, and not give it to someone who already has one!  (I can't help but think job-availability has been a concern lately...  especially when blogs pay shit).

You know what?  Spend your money how you spend your money, I have no beef.  Just know we are no longer fooled by your squirrely marketing techniques!  We are on to you - you lazy good-for-nothing marketing execs!  We are no longer going to purchase your products that you place into famous athletes hands!  Unless, of course, it is a product I already use.  I couldn't bear the inconvenience of finding a new one.

Do we really need... 4G service?

If you are friends or family, you are completely confused by the title of this blog.  If you are not, you might be wondering why my friends and family are confused.  Why you ask?  I am a complete tech geek...  well, almost - I was in a conversation about over-clocking processors and found the conversation ridiculously boring.  I'm sorry, in a world of quad-core processors and 64gigs of ram, we really don't have to over-clock shit.

Backstory.

For the past year and a half (1.5 years folks), I have had the pleasure of owning a Samsung Galaxy S Fascinate with 3G technology.  One of the best Android phones on the market (at the time).  It was remarkable.  This phone was everything the iPhone attempted to be, but was better because it wasn't created by Apple.  My wife and I had an unlimited data plan, on the larger-than-competition Verizon network.  Life was grand.

Recently, after my phones' charging port had failed, I upgraded to the newer, ever-so-much-cooler Samsung Galaxy S3.  What a phone!  However, it came equipped with the newest generation of data-transfer technology...  4G.  I was smitten (at first).  I had no idea data could transfer at such rapid speeds out of thin air.  I literally had a hard-on while playing with the phone at the Verizon store (which was rather uncomfortable), and found ways to show off my new device in any conversation I had participated in.  However, the love of this new relationship would quickly diminish, because I had no idea how quickly the love would end.

4 gigabytes of data?  OK!

With the new phone, we lost our unlimited data.  That didn't seem terrible because they gave us 4 gigabytes, a lot right?  Well, it is when your device can only transfer data so fast.  When you are on the largest 4G network (and don't even have to turn on 4G, the phone just KNOWS!), you tend to gobble up data pretty quickly!  Verizon did a great job building a state-of-the-art network, and did a great job marketing it as well... they had some funny commercials.

Remember the "can you hear me now?" guy from the ad campaigns?  My, how the company has grown since then...  Yes, we can friggin hear you!  We can also instantly get your Facebook updates, Google+ updates, emails, weather info, your new drawing on draw with friends, your useless 140 character tweets, and every-f*cking-thing else that you may want to tell us immediately!

This shit is too fast!  Let me give you an example as to why that is actually a bad thing : I use my phone as the music player in my car.  I have music A.D.D., and skip songs all of the time.  This damn 4G shit is so fast that it can buffer the entire song at once!  So if I want to skip it, guess what?  I've already used the data to buffer the song.  Hey, f*ck you Verizon!  Sometimes I want to skip a song!  Now I can't, because I have to keep track of my data that YOU made it easier to use, and stopped allowing unlimited data to be available!

Now, I will say that I have never been more satisfied with any other cellphone company, so I will not be getting rid of Verizon any time soon.  We just have a very abusive relationship with each other, and I am very mad that I have to pay an additional $10 per 2gb / month if I want to use more data.  F*ck you Verizon!

Final Analysis.


OK, 4g is pretty awesome stuff.  It is fast and makes shit happen instantly.  I am all for it.  I guess I was just a little angry at losing unlimited data.  I am going to have to get used to running Wi-Fi at any place that has it available, because I am not getting rid of my sexy new mobile device, and I am certainly not joining Sprint's useless shitty network.