Do we really need... Instagram?

For the past couple of months (maybe years) I've been seeing more and more pictures on Facebook that appeared to have some Photoshop filters applied to them.  This whole time I've been thinking: People are starting to take their Facebook photos way too friggin serious.  Then my wife's photos started following the same trend, which finally prompted me to ask "When did you learn how to use Photoshop?"  This is when I learned about Instagram, and the whole zombie-fan-boy following it has created.

Why Instagram?

Isn't the name more appropriate for an instant-messaging service than a take-a-picture-and-apply-one-of-five-filters service (poetic license)?  And what the hell?  What used to take talent and know-how now just requires a smart-phone and certain levels of douche-baggery (poetic license)!  The levels of douche-baggery is determined by how many photos you feel the need to run through unnecessary filters.

OK, but WHY INSTAGRAM?

Do we really need Instagram to appreciate this sausage-packaging gone wrong incident?  Did we really need to blur out the background in order to get the full effect of what we are seeing here?  Quick answer, NO!  And what's worse is now I officially hate this guy, even though he would've been AOK in my book for digitally documenting this hilarious sausage blunder!  Side note:  Am I the only one surprised that it's a white guy handling a sausage that size?

Here is my problem.  Picture-capturing technology has made 1,000's of advancements since the Polaroid.  Yet now, in 2012, we take a picture with - literally - millions of pixels per inch, and then filter it to look like it was taken on a Polaroid 40 f*cking years ago! What the hell are we doing people?  Hey, I have a money-making idea!  I want to create a DVD that only holds the amount of data a 3.5" floppy disk would!  You would have enough space to save one Word document!  How retro!

OK, OK...  BUT WHY INSTAGRAM!!!? (Poetic license on the punctuation)

I do feel the need to include a photo that should be Instagram'd (verb, poetic license).  This photo should've used the filter: make this a completely different picture.  But I digress.  Why do we do this?  When did we become a culture of hipster-fads that fools us into feeling we have a unique way of "expressing our feelings creatively"?  (Pretty bold from a guy posting on Blogger, wait no - I don't use Blog-A-Gram)...

I've got news for you - you're creative posers!  The person who created Instagram was creative.  The fact that he created software that makes it easy for you to feel creative doesn't make you creative - it makes you a poser.  But I digress.  Let's first erase this picture from of our memories, and from there lets get back to posting pictures in wonderful 12 megapixels (does that technology exist?  If not, poetic license!)  Should punctuation go inside or outside of parenthesis?  Just in case, here is another (poetic license)

Final Analysis

Let's go back to the time when graphic artists were paid to make a photo look old, or black and white, or look like a completely different photo.  Let's stop adding filters to every f*cking picture that is uploaded to Facebook, and let's tell Instagram that we are no-longer fan-boys.  Creativity is a wonderful thing, let's stop riding the coattails of other's creativeness!

Do we really need... Breastaurants?

Restaurants with waitresses prancing around half-nude is not a new idea.  Hooters may have been the pioneers of these classless eateries (seriously, try to imagine yourself eating a Filet Mignon at Hooters...  seriously), but like everything else in the United States, other people copied the idea and stripped it of whatever class it might've been clinging onto.

I'm in it for the money!

First, let me just say this: I love that we live in a world in which a woman can throw out her ambitions and use her body as a money-maker.  I am embarrassed to admit that it would take hours on end to count the amount of sleazy places I have found myself in.  That being said, none of those places have ever involved me ingesting a meal!  Are you getting the places I am talking about yet?  Strip clubs!  Wait, whose idea was it to combine naked women who are off-limits and alcohol?  Yeah, nothing can ever go wrong there...  not at all.  And they have classy ones with buffets, gross.  Who wants to eat that shit?  But I digress.  Have you ever been to one of these breastaurants?  My boss took me out to one to discuss business.  There were many awkward moments where neither of us wanted to make it seem we were more into the "scenery" than our discussion...  and it took thinking of Oprah (the fat one) and football to even be physically able to stand up (think about it)!  It was too much stress to endure just to eat some friggin saurkraut and sausage!  HEY, F**K YOU BREASTAURANTS!

Final analysis.

Let's stop objectifying women as a means to make money...  on second thought, let's not.  But let's not combine the wonderful experience of eating out (double entendre?  You decide!) with sleaze.  It may just be me, but I think dining out should still be somewhat classy in an arguably classless world.

Do we really need presents: The Dumb Signs Addition!

Ahhh signs...  They are such valuable objects that can pass on valuable information that assists us when we are on the road, when we are shopping, when we are going out to eat, and even when we are washing our hands!  However, there is only so much information that can be passed on by these things, and anything beyond that becomes down-right ridiculous!

No parking/stopping on tracks.

Really?  Do we really need to be reminded to not park/stop on the system that allows thousands of tons of steel to travel at 50mph +?  What kind of idiot gets half-way across train tracks and says: "Rockstar parking!" and gets out?  And I'm sorry, if you are stupid enough to stop on train-tracks while waiting for a light to turn green, you probably deserve to have your life ended by 1,000's of tons of steel suddenly occupying the space that you once held.  Now, the train could possibly derail and take innocent lives, so I really don't secretly wish a train destroys you and your car...  however, if this sign was ever beneficial to you, do us all a favor - plug in your toaster and fish out the loose bread-crumbs with a butter-knife.  Thank you in advance.

Water on road...  during RAIN?!?

What??  I'm sure most of us can appreciate the message this sign is attempting to convey: "Road may flood"...  boom.  I was able to get the message across using half the words, and without making an entire county look like complete ass-hats.  Water on road during rain?!?  For holy f*ck's sake, on most of the roads I travel, the rain simply disappears before ever touching the roads surface...  On the other roads, the rain isn't made up of water...  Either the creator of this sign took the "cats and dogs" phrase too literally, or this was a poor Spanish-to-English translation.  Either way, if this sign ever made you say "Oh, thanks for the information", please grab a buddy and go sky-diving.  Take one parachute with you.  Refuse to do a tandem-jump, and insist your friend use the parachute.  Thank you in advance.

Sidewalk ends.

For years I have taken advantage of these concrete surfaces known as "sidewalks".  I find it strange how soft things feel nice underneath your feet, yet when you are walking a good hard surface does the trick.  However, too many times have I been taking in a good walk, and suddenly it goes south.  Grass, or any other non-paved surface sneaks its way in and suddenly I have to navigate uneven terrain!  If only I've had some warning!  If you were able to relate to my last three sentences,  please move to North Korea and start a blog about how terrible Kim Jong-un is as a leader, and also spread rumors that his father Kim Jong-il, was gay.  Thank you in advance.

Don't park here...  Unless you are in an automobile!

Yeah, there will be no: "please commit suicide" after this entry.  This sign just baffles me.  Generally, areas to park a bicycle are equipped with a bike-rack...  I can hardly imagine being able to fit an automobile in a bike-rack.  Actually, is there not an object that assists with the parking of any other non-automobile  object?  You can even park yourself...  but that requires a park-bench!!  I wish I knew where this sign came from.  There is obviously an epidemic happening involving people parking things that aren't motorized, and the picture just leaves more to question than it does answer!  What are people parking in these spaces that aren't automobiles?!?  I would speculate, but that would require an entirely different blog...  I will say, if this sign has ever made you say: "Oh, damn"...  please, buy yourself some SCUBA gear.  Book yourself a cruise.  Half-way through the cruise equip yourself with the SCUBA gear, and jump off the back of the ship (don't tell anybody what you are doing).  Swim toward the ocean-floor, and don't attempt to resurface until you have completely run out of oxygen.  (So, I lied at the beginning...  sorry)

Sign...  wait, what?

Sign not in use!?  There is a sign that says: "Sign not in use"?!?  WHAT!!    Isn't the sign being used?  I don't get it.  However, this is a great sign to end this blog with, because now I am incredibly pissed.  Thank you, useless sign, for re-enforcing my alcoholism for yet another day.  If this sign ever made you say: "Oh, well they should go and use that"...  you know what?  Just f*cking kill yourself.

Final Analysis.

Signs, I guess like everything else, have been completely abused and over-used.  There is some information that should be common-sense.  Common-sense has become much less common, so we need to let Darwinism really do its job.  I suggest we stop abusing the poor signs and let the chips fall where they may.