What Nobody Learned From the Homeless Guy Pizza Video

There's been a video circling social-media for a week now, featuring a man pretending to be hungry asking the patrons of a Pizza Parlor (parlor?) for some food, being denied each time.  Later, he has two friends drop off some pizza slices to a man who appears to be homeless.  That same man asks the homeless guy for a slice, and the homeless guy obliges and they sit down and eat a slice together.  Everyone is taking this as a lesson.  Everyone is missing the bigger picture.

Here is the video, created by YouTuber Sam Pepper:

Everyone collectively thought: "Wow.  The homeless guy has so much more compassion!  I need to be more giving."  I'll admit: I did too.  That is, until I really pulled apart what is happening here.  First off, let's not be fooled.  Sam is not a person in need.  He was in the pizza place with two obnoxious gold chains, hair freshly cut, designer frames for his spectacles, and he was wearing clean clothes.  None of which strikes the thought: This guy is in need.  Actually, shame on Sam for pretending to be hungry, while not actually playing the part, and then attempting to SHAME the people smart enough to see through his bullsh*t via youtube video!  The people in the pizza place were actually the smart ones, because again, Sam is not really "in need."

What else did we learn?  People are much less likely to care about their possessions when they are simply given to them.  The homeless guy barely even looked at Sam when he asked for a slice.  If he did, he might've reached the same conclusion the people in the restaurant did: this guy is not really hungry.  Oh, and shame on Sam for taking food out of a homeless guy's mouth in an effort to shame people enjoying their day eating pizza.  Again, he's not really hungry.  If he was, he would've pawned those obnoxious chains and his damn video camera a long time ago.

What Now?

Thanks to Sam, if you approach me in a restaurant asking for food, I'm simply going to think you're filming an emotion-manipulating youtube video, and am going to deny you food.  Thanks Sam, because of you and your manipulative techniques, I'm now a worse person.  Next time, send an actual homeless person into the restaurant and see if you get the same results.

Do We Really Need.... Smart Products?

We can all probably remember when the first "Smart Phones" were released.  Despite the fact that the ones coming out two years later made the older ones look stupid, we were all pretty excited.  These devices are SMART!!  Well, we didn't have the benefit of hindsight back then, so we didn't realize they were actually stupid as sh*t.  But, the "smart" trend took over and we were then graced with the presence of Smart Cars, which I wrote about back in 2012.  Well, once again we are embraced with a "smart" technology, and it's a gun!  So, let's evaluate how smart this sh*t actually makes us, shall we?

Smart Phones 

Yes, because walking into a fountain is incredibly smart.  Next time, stay off the f*cking phone.  What was so important at the time, that you had to risk living in complete embarrassment of being the girl who walks into a fountain?  But then you sue?  We now know you --not as the dumb chick who walked into a fountain -- but as Cathy Cruz Marrero, the dumb chick who walked into a fountain.  How's that working out for you, Cathy?  Instead of fading into the anonymity that would've been "that chick just walked into a fountain", you'll now live in infamy as Cathy Cruz Marrero, the chick who not only walked into a fountain, but quickly sued the security company for releasing the video, of Cathy Crus Marrero being an idiot.  In this day and age, the video will still exist online!  Did this not occur to you in your years of owning a smart phone?  By the way, congrats on being a person who was made rich from being an idiot.

Smart Cars 

Yeah, so if you bought one, you're an idiot.  Want to prove me wrong?  OK...  My family is taking a trip to Ohio mid July...  Let's see your car can get myself, my wife, and my child, plus our luggage to our destination.  Oh, it can't?  Yeah, it's not because you're smart, it's because you were the victim of smart-marketing.  Your car is anything but smart, not to mention, you look like an idiot driving it.

Smart Guns

What is a "smart gun" you ask?  Well, it's obviously a gun that is smarter than the owner (which has proven to work SO WELL with other "smart" technology)...   The wikipedia article about the Smart Gun says:

Proponents of smart gun technology say that the technology would reduce or eliminate accidental use and misuse of firearms by children and teens, as well as reducing accidental discharges or the use of a firearm against its owner if the firearm is stolen or taken away.

Funny, does it teach children and teens to value, or at least appreciate, life to the point where they will never consider taking another persons' life?!?  Does it teach them that a simple dispute is not worth terminating the life of the person you are in conflict with?  Does it teach them that shooting your parents is not an acceptable response to: "No, you're not having a Hot Pocket for dinner"?

What's more likely to happen, is more people trying to prove how smart they are, and perform another gun demonstration gone wrong.  For God's sake, this guy was trying to show his girlfriend how safe an unloaded gun was (and forgot to check the chamber, because he is that smart)...  Imagine how many more idiots this kind of technology will spawn.  You think we have a gun problem now?  Just wait until guns are "smart".

Final Analysis

Quit with the smart technology.  Branding your product as "smart" is simply a way to make sheep want to buy it, and those of us smart enough to not spend the money feel stupid -- speaking of stupid, that's what your "smart" technology makes us.

Banfield.

Once again, a $25.99 monthly debit to Banfield crosses my radar, and once again I'm tasked with figuring out why the f*ck we pay for Banfield.  See, $25.99 seems like pennies in terms of a monthly payment.  But, I've been playing this game for over three years now.  So I've paid a company almost $1,000 in figuring out whether I need them or not, and that doesn't include the money I spend when I actually do go.  But now I'm back to my original question:

No...  No question - Banfield is a scam.
OK...  So I took my dog recently (she'd pooping problems for approximately 3 days), I was so confused with the conversation I had with the woman checking my dog in:

Nurse: "What's the baby's name?" 
Me: "The baby?  Oh, his name is Lucas." 
Nurse: "His?  It says here she's a girl?"
Me: "Oh...  the dog?"
Nurse: "Yes, the baby?"
Me: "The baby or the dog?  Because the dog is named Juliet."
Me: "We call her Jules" (I only point out her full name so people don't mistake it for "jewels")...
Nurse: "Why is she here?"
Me: "You guys called us...  and she's having problems pooping."
Nurse: "What kind of problems?"

OK, so I won't bore you with the poop-related banter.  Instead, I'll simply tell you she inquired about the poop-related problems my dog was having.  If you're interested, you're either really creepy or an aspiring Veterinarian (if you were already a Veterinarian - I suspect you'd have more important things to do than read my blog, that's why I stopped at aspiring).  Here is the conversation after the poop related discussion (brackets: [] are my blog-banter):

Me: "So, we're going to have to pay some dough for this checkup?"
Nurse: "Well, yes.  Bringing your baby here [My 9 month old is my f*cking baby, not my 30-something (in dog years) prima donna dog who recently decided to have problems pooping] is free.  You'll either have to pay [a ridiculous sum of money], or if you sign another contract you'll just have to pay [a less ridiculous sum of money] if you want us to fist her in the butt."
Me: "So, either way this costs money?"

Hey Sparky, we're taking you to Banfield!

So, the conversation is boring on either side of the poop-banter.  Fine.  Point is, around the time we decide to stop paying for Banfield, they somehow find a way to get us in.  Once we get the dog there, we have to make a decision between paying a lot upfront, or a little over time (which always ends up being more).  Like any person who is insanely stupid when it comes for money, I opt to take the route which requires me to pay less upfront.  Oh, and after a $115 checkup, $40 in high-fiber dog food, and pooping problems that continued shortly thereafter, I learned that feeding the dog pineapple will help with her problems.  Yes, a $1 can of f*cking pineapple slices fixed her right up.  This time, I will not let Banfield scam us into another year of this crap.  Instead, we'll simply save the money, and take the dog to a Vet when she has a problem.  Like people used to do - ironically people used to have more money.  I wonder if the amount of money people have in their pockets is directly related to the wide range of stupid shit they have to spend it on - like Banfield.

Final Analysis.

Save your money.  F*ck Banfield.

Do we really need... Best Burger awards?

Take a moment to think where you've had the best burger.  Go ahead...  I'll give you a minute.

Got it?  Ok...  you're full of sh*t.  It was a f*cking burger for God's sake.  I'm sure it had a bunch of toppings on it - which made it a better combination of toppings than it did a burger.  A hamburger is ground beef.  All you have to do is season it, then throw some other sh*t on, and boom - great burger.  If ground beef wasn't good with almost everything, there wouldn't be a Hamburger Helper...  and Hamburger Helper is awesome.

Credit - Someone...  I think Epic Meal Time

Who would not eat the sh*t out of this if was right in front of them?  If you claim you wouldn't, you're either lying or vegetarian.  If you're the former, fine - no one likes you, if you're the latter - stop ruining food for everyone.  Yes, you're a vegetarian, we know.  How do we know?  You probably just told us, that's how.

Your burger is good because there is tested (and approved) combination of food going on top of it - Onions and tomatoes go great with lettuce.  Mozzarella goes great with marinara.  Some people believe cole-slaw is good with chili.  Pickles are good by themselves, so we'll throw them on...  why the hell not? - what makes a burger great rarely has anything to do with the burger itself.  I'm willing to bet, any place that displays their "best burger" badge with honor has never had anyone actually eat their burger plain on a bun.  Why?  Because it wouldn't be a great burger, it'd just be seasoned and pattied ground-beef plus bread.  Who the f*ck craves seasoned and pattied ground-beef plus bread?  Seriously, if you tell me you like a burger on a bun plain, I hate you, and you shouldn't even be talking to me.  Why are you telling me about your obnoxiously inappropriate eating habits?

Cow 101

These oddly adorable creatures would be udderly (hah!  See what I did?  Good one Dan) useless if it weren't for the fact that we could eat over 50% of their bodies.  Now, let's all acknowledge certain parts of this wonderful creature do take precise seasoning and preparation in order to execute the perfect meal.  Now that that's out of the way, when you take its meat and just feed it through a f*cking meat-grinder, you're circumventing the whole precise part, and you can even get away with skipping the whole seasoning part.  It's a burger.  You're going to end up throwing sh*t on there anyway, so just get it over with.  If anything, you should be shunned for your grossly irresponsible use of time by putting a bunch of work into something we are just going to f*ck up with mustard, lettuce, cheese, and whatever else you put out to accompany your "masterpiece."

Final Analysis

Quit your f*cking burger-love.  They're awesome, we know.  It doesn't take much.  I can punish whatever burger you put in front of my face from Hardee's, and I will tell you immediately after that it was the best burger I've ever had.  If you own a restaurant and your claim-to-fame is a burger...  well, then it might as well be because you have employees.  Or lights.

Do we really need... To share the road?

So...  cyclists, what gives?  Why (for at least the past decade) have you been trying to over-take what's otherwise known as our country's fine road-system?  When the hell did you come up with the fantastic idea to navigate a 45lb or less aluminum tube-framed, two-wheeled, 20mph max-speed vehicle on the same infrastructure that 2,000lb steel-bodied 60mph rolling solid death dealers use?

The operative word is share.

There you are.  Enjoying the beautiful day, getting a ton of useful exercise, and being totally oblivious to the fact that there is a line of cars behind you with occupants vehemently wishing you didn't exist.  Sound terrible?  To us "drivers" (which, is extremely inflammatory and we get offended when you refer to us as such), you are a step below mopeds.  Yup.  We'd much rather get stuck behind a person who, on three separate occasions, didn't learn not to drink and drive.  You're a step beneath them.

Here's the thing.  People don't want to despise you!  We are all for sharing this wonderful road.  Keep in mind, however, while you are enjoying the road in all its' glory, we are stuck behind you only using the road for about, 10% of what it's made of.  It's wonderful to cruise at 14mph on a bike;  It's literally a f*cking nightmare trying to do 14mph in a car behind you.

So please, next time you suit up (in clothes that would never be deemed acceptable in any other scenario), before you put on that pressed foam/plastic helmet, and before you show the entire community just how into fitness you really are, please remember to keep looking behind you on the friggin agenda.

The only thing actually worse than getting stuck behind a cyclist, is getting stuck behind a car who has the stick-figure-family stickers on the back, where the stick figure family are all posing with bicycles.  Even the family dog has one.  I'm not sure where you people come from, but I guarantee no one has ever said: "Thank you God...  I was seriously wondering if that family in the Honda Pilot had a fetish for severely slowing down traffic."

Final Analysis.

I kid the bikers.  Keep using the road, and when it's safe we'll simply drive around you.  But be safe out there...  when you grow a pair, I'll see you on the Mountain Biking trails.

Men to be men.

Yo men, you know what I did this weekend?  I enjoyed downtown Charlotte with my wife for our anniversary.  What was my first order of business?  I broke my toe.  I did that before we even left the f*cking house.  What did I do about it?  I walked downtown Charlotte with my wife...  like a man.  I bowled several games at Strike City, like a man.  I even enjoyed intercourse...  like a man.  I know too many dudes who would've checked out on account of a broken toe...  unlike a man.

Men are different now.

No, feminists - we're not.  We are still men.  We have always wanted to look nice, smell nice, and be polite - but -  our need to be stronger than our female counter-part is natural.  Putting us in a onesie holding a cup of something other than coffee or liquor does not change us from what we are.  Actually, it just inspires us to make fun of the dude wearing a onesie holding a cup of something other than coffee or liquor (oh and coffee liquear does not count).

But dudes, you're allowing this sh*t to happen.  Why are you skipping cologne and going to full body spray?  Bar soap has done so well for us, but suddenly we are exfoliating with loofas and body gel?  F*cking face lotion?  F*cking hand lotion?  F*cking 18-blade razors???  Come on guys, cut your face once in a while, and do so without running for a damned band-aid.

Brohemian Rhapsody

Yeah bro, drink your morning iced-coffee through a straw.  That certainly makes it seem tougher than simply drinking an iced coffee...  oh wait, it doesn't.  Here is the real problem: this actually attracts women.  Women can actually look at this dude and think: ---  well..  I probably couldn't tell you what a woman thinks, but I still know what it's like to be a man.  This sure as hell doesn't; he is obviously one period away from crying over receiving tickets to the Ellen Degeneres show.  How awesome would it be to see her dance live, bro?

Men -

We no longer have to hunt and prepare food.  That's a plus.  That does not mean it is impossible to still be men in society.  Wanting to look nice is much different than being anything short of a female.  They set the rules - I get it - that doesn't mean they want to start dating more annoying versions of themselves!  That's what you've become - more annoying versions of females.

Back

My absence

Can be summed up in one picture:

That is my beautiful wife and 7 month old, Lucas.  We had a complicated pregnancy that led to an emergency C-section.  The adorable little man now has to see a specialist on 4/08/14, because his skull-plates fused together early, and there is a good chance he has to undergo surgery.

It's been busy.  There's been some ups and downs, but I would change none of it for the world - what does that even mean?  Why would someone want the "world"?  I just want stuff that's in it -  However, the light at the end of the tunnel only allows me to see everything that pisses me off again.

Time to fix society, one blog at a time.  With even more vigor - considering I'm raising a person to be a good man - so f*ck everything you thought was acceptable or were just going to ignore...  we've got work to do!