What we need... Dining out for Dummies: Part 2!

Maybe I am just pissed because it was another long day at work, I was on my feet all day, and I am now borderline drunk.  However, in just one day several guests at the restaurant pissed me the f*ck off, and it is now time for another installment of What We Need!

I will have another Do We Really Need soon...  One's already planned.  I just can't believe I was serving so many disrespectful assholes today...  I had the kind of day that makes you want to get on your laptop and write...  These f*cking pricks are still making me work (sike, I enjoy writing...  I don't consider this work)!

"How are you?"...  "I'm coke"

OK, when a server approaches your table and sets beverage napkins on the table, they are doing more than preparing a nice soft place for your drink to land.  First, the beverage napkins are a signal to the rest of the staff that you have been "greeted".  They (the server) are/is also there to deliver a friendly welcome and pass on some valid information.  Most restaurants have featured items and it is up to the server to inform you of them.  My point is: When the server approaches your table and speaks words, chances are, the proper response to those initial words are not your drink order!  I am almost 100% certain that your server will start with "How are you folks doing tonight?"  (or some rendition)...  What universe recognizes "I'll have a coke" as the proper response to that question?  When the server approaches your table, shut the f*ck up until you are asked a question!

We encourage wandering!

When navigating the restaurant, please take your time.  There couldn't possibly be food runners and staffers attempting to briskly move passed you! Not at all.  Please sir...  take all the f*cking time you need... really, take all the time in the world.  That was sarcasm.  When you dine in restaurant-land, your time is not nearly as important as the time being watched by those of us working in restaurant-land.  So please be aware of your surroundings!  Your slow walk is holding up traffic, guests need their damn food!  Or, whatever the hell else they are waiting on!  The point is this: those nifty aisles that the table-layout creates are mainly for the staff.  We have no problem with you using them...  But please be aware of what is going on around you.  Oh, and when we give you the right-of-way, the words we are saying are: "After you sir", what we really mean is: "Hurry up and get the hell out of my way."

I pay all of my bills with compliments.

I remember one month several years ago, I was a bit behind on the electric bill.  I called Duke Energy, and spoke with someone in customer service.  I informed them that, yes I was behind on my payment - but I am a really good server, and I should be forgiven of the debt.  They didn't seem to care too much.

I guess some people don't realize that servers earn their money almost entirely in tips.  I am not going to explain how our cushy $2.13/hr salary really only helps pay our income taxes on the tips we claim...  yes, servers do pay taxes.  Anyways, leaving two measly dollars on $79, as pictured to the left, is never acceptable.  To add insult to injury, when these guests sat down at the table, they pitched a douche-tent, laid train tracks to douche-ville, and escorted the mayor to their Woodstock version of douche-fest.

That reminds me.  Go ahead and be an asshole to your server.  It shows off your ignorance to the fact that they control your food before you get it.  I am not suggesting that anyone would tamper with your food, but I am sure there are servers out there who have little respect for their job, and their restaurant.  You're the idiot for taking that chance.

It's all about etiquette.

Maybe that's what all of this boils down to.  Being a respectful person, and understanding the fact that your server isn't there to take care of you solely for pleasure.  Hopefully this has fulfilled my need to write about dining out, and I can get back to writing about completely useless shit. 

What we need... Dining Out For Dummies: The Book!

Time for another installment of What we need folks!

I follow a blog named: The Bitchy Waiter, and recently he had an excellent response to another article some tech journalist wrote named: 10 Rules for Restaurants.  Why a tech-journalist is writing about restaurants is far beyond me.  He did, however, jerk an emotion that I have been feeling for some time. There are so many people trying to improve the dining system that have no f*cking clue how a restaurant even operates!  Maybe I can give this asshole a few pointers on writing about technology. See how he likes it.

I am not going to attempt to write a book in a blog.  I am too tired, seeing I had to work tonight in my dysfunctional restaurant.  If only our owner had the smarts to hire a tech-blogger to really get us working right, I'd have more energy to write an entire f*cking book.

Get off the damn phone...  you may proceed!

Yeah folks, we in the service industry understand that since the tender age of 4 (or younger), you've had a phone strapped to your damn ear.  We are also aware of the fact, that you probably know the times it is inappropriate to be on one... say, when you are talking to a person face to face.  Seeing as you are going to be interacting with live people, get off of your f*cking phone!  From the hostess, to the servers, to the managers; You'd be hard pressed to find one employee of the restaurant who would give a shit if the President of the U.S. was on the other end.  Hang up, enter the restaurant.  Oh, and unless it is a place where you order food at a counter from a cashier, don't just sit yourself down anywhere (well, bar being the exception)...  Wait for someone to PUT you somewhere.  All while not talking on your phone.  

That reminds me - in ALL cases, you are being sat in a specific area for a specific reason.  The reason is the server manning that section is next in the rotation.  You can (within reason) sit anywhere within the confines of that servers section.  If the table you were selected to dine at doesn't seem to suit your needs, ask for another - in that same server's section...  Interfering with the rotation doesn't always throw a wrench in the cog, but it sure as hell can!  You can be home for an hour and the restaurant can still be crashing and burning because the table over there, the exact same f*cking table you were asked to sit at here, seemed better for you at the time.

It's not always about the guest.

Sure it is! you say.  Well, yes.  Our guests are the reason everyone working in the restaurant can afford to eat, so it is mainly about you...  but not always.  We would all love to talk to you, and sure, you are obviously the most interesting person in the world, but we have shit to do.  The only thing we have in common with strippers is that we earn tips...  that's where it ends.  We are not here to perform for you, and quite frankly the only reason we listen to your irrelevant stories is because, unlike strippers, we have to be polite.

Oh, that reminds me.  If you leave your table looking like your kid's room, you are an asshole and I hate you.  Don't mistake that with me suggesting you have to clean the whole table up yourself.  Absolutely not.  It is part of our job, and we have no problem doing it.  But don't let your shitty whining kid tear apart the sugar-caddy, don't drop your napkin and f*cking leave it (there is not always time to sweep before the next table, and in all fairness, you saw the napkin drop first!), don't just leave your sugar packets scattered around.  If you have some trash for us to throw away, no problem.  But put somewhere on the table where we can easily grab it without having to reach across you.  People say reaching is rude...  I say people who make my job harder are rude.

Stop with the various jokes for "I'm full", "I've had too much to drink", and all check-related jokes.  You are now the least creative person I know, and the second-to-least is the guest that just left my section (see how that works?)  We've heard them all before, all of them... so please, stop.  Chances are, we wish you would float (away), explode, or be wheel-barreled away (30 friggin minutes ago).

I'm allergic to that.

If you do not have an allergy to a food item, don't claim to be allergic just because you don't like it!  Chances are, your server cares very little about your allergy anyway.  We do, however, care that your food comes as you requested (well, if you do have an allergy, it doesn't hurt to be safe).  People ask me time and time again to be sure no onions come with their meal.  Only to then smother their meal with a sauce that is made with like, 10,000 onions!  I'm not trying to say that your server doesn't care about your allergy, but to assume you'll get some sort of special attention because you made up some false allergy is ridiculous!  Order your food.  Your server wants it to come out right.  If it doesn't, send it back.

Where to go from here?

Will the possibility of this book ever come to be?  Who knows.  I do know it is quite necessary.  From ordering another drink when your drink is still half-full, to how to tip when you come in with a f*cking coupon, there is a lot more to be addressed...  oh, and tipping with change is never acceptable.

I was really only ranting about a few of the things that have happened to me within the last three shifts that I worked.  I am certain these issues will continually go on unnoticed by guests all across the country.

Do we really need... A Military cover of "Call Me Maybe"?

Let me quickly get this out of the way:

Real talk...  I have nothing but respect and adoration for our military men and women, and thank every service man and woman I see either in uniform, or wearing gear with the word "vet" on it...  Real talk.

Real talk?

Yeah, I see my friend Lou using the phrase when he wants to say something serious.  However, I am not sure if you are supposed to use it before or after the "talk" you want to be "real", therefore, to get my point across, I chose both...  I would also shamelessly plug his blog right about now, but he quit working on it back in June...

Anyway, let's tear into this monstrosity!

A morale booster?

If you haven't seen it yet, you can always click here...  (Yeah, there is an advertisement.  Everyone is trying to make a friggin buck on the internet these days (click my sponsers)).  I guess some of the service members were down in the dumps, which prompted a group of them to get together and make a music video!  Sounds fun right?  Yes, if you are a company doing some team-building exercise, but our military?

Again, I am not knocking them for wanting to have a good time and boost morale, but use some discretion!  The rest of the world is already laughing at us making that God-awful song a hit in the first place, now we have members of the strongest military on the planet giving it even more f*cking attention!  Full disclosure: this blog should've been titled "Do we really need...  'Call Me Maybe'".  But then this video was posted to my Facebook, and here we are.  I thought the point of our military was to scare other countries into respecting the shit out of us?  Maybe I would've enjoyed it more if they at least had gotten "Jiggy Wit It", or "Bust"'ed "a Move"...  but "Call Me Maybe"?  Now, it would've been best if they performed one of those good dis-tracks by Tupac, and replaced all references to Biggie with the names of other countries.  Yeah, I'm going to have sex with Sweden's wife...  or something.

What do other countries do?

Well, I am sure we can take a look at other countries to see what their military's do to boost morale...  China?  I'm sure China doesn't give a flying shit if their military is happy.  As long as they know how to do everything except for land a plane.  Canada?  LOL...  England?  Again, LOL...  So where can we look?  Iraq?  I will not post a picture of what the Iraqi military does to boost morale - less some foul language, I like to maintain a family friendly blog.  I will provide a link to a video in case you would like to see it, here.  If you don't want to see it, it is an Iraqi soldier hammering knives into his skull with a rock.  You are now either glad you didn't click, wishing you didn't click, or now ready to click (I guess there really are no other possibilities).

Oh, come on!  It is ridiculous to think I am suggesting our brave young men and women start hammering knives into their skulls...  However, it would be cool if they did something a little tougher than a "Call Me Maybe" cover video.  Imagine if Osama Bin Laden recognized one of the SEALS from the video before they capped him, we wouldn't want him having that satisfaction right before he died!

What do we do?

Well, certainly not a "Call Me Maybe" cover, or anything by the Spice Girls, or that one really sad chick with the power-voice...  Miley something-or-other maybe?  If we continue down this path before you know it we'll have an arts and crafts class for our soldiers.  That can't be something anyone thinks is a good idea.

If you want to do a music video, do one of an old rap song when the music was a 24/7 murder fest.  Or, compile a video of guys taking a bunch of nut-shots.  If you do the nut-shots video, after you get out of the military, you'll be rich like the Jackass guys!