What we need... Dining Out For Dummies: The Book!

Time for another installment of What we need folks!

I follow a blog named: The Bitchy Waiter, and recently he had an excellent response to another article some tech journalist wrote named: 10 Rules for Restaurants.  Why a tech-journalist is writing about restaurants is far beyond me.  He did, however, jerk an emotion that I have been feeling for some time. There are so many people trying to improve the dining system that have no f*cking clue how a restaurant even operates!  Maybe I can give this asshole a few pointers on writing about technology. See how he likes it.

I am not going to attempt to write a book in a blog.  I am too tired, seeing I had to work tonight in my dysfunctional restaurant.  If only our owner had the smarts to hire a tech-blogger to really get us working right, I'd have more energy to write an entire f*cking book.

Get off the damn phone...  you may proceed!

Yeah folks, we in the service industry understand that since the tender age of 4 (or younger), you've had a phone strapped to your damn ear.  We are also aware of the fact, that you probably know the times it is inappropriate to be on one... say, when you are talking to a person face to face.  Seeing as you are going to be interacting with live people, get off of your f*cking phone!  From the hostess, to the servers, to the managers; You'd be hard pressed to find one employee of the restaurant who would give a shit if the President of the U.S. was on the other end.  Hang up, enter the restaurant.  Oh, and unless it is a place where you order food at a counter from a cashier, don't just sit yourself down anywhere (well, bar being the exception)...  Wait for someone to PUT you somewhere.  All while not talking on your phone.  

That reminds me - in ALL cases, you are being sat in a specific area for a specific reason.  The reason is the server manning that section is next in the rotation.  You can (within reason) sit anywhere within the confines of that servers section.  If the table you were selected to dine at doesn't seem to suit your needs, ask for another - in that same server's section...  Interfering with the rotation doesn't always throw a wrench in the cog, but it sure as hell can!  You can be home for an hour and the restaurant can still be crashing and burning because the table over there, the exact same f*cking table you were asked to sit at here, seemed better for you at the time.

It's not always about the guest.

Sure it is! you say.  Well, yes.  Our guests are the reason everyone working in the restaurant can afford to eat, so it is mainly about you...  but not always.  We would all love to talk to you, and sure, you are obviously the most interesting person in the world, but we have shit to do.  The only thing we have in common with strippers is that we earn tips...  that's where it ends.  We are not here to perform for you, and quite frankly the only reason we listen to your irrelevant stories is because, unlike strippers, we have to be polite.

Oh, that reminds me.  If you leave your table looking like your kid's room, you are an asshole and I hate you.  Don't mistake that with me suggesting you have to clean the whole table up yourself.  Absolutely not.  It is part of our job, and we have no problem doing it.  But don't let your shitty whining kid tear apart the sugar-caddy, don't drop your napkin and f*cking leave it (there is not always time to sweep before the next table, and in all fairness, you saw the napkin drop first!), don't just leave your sugar packets scattered around.  If you have some trash for us to throw away, no problem.  But put somewhere on the table where we can easily grab it without having to reach across you.  People say reaching is rude...  I say people who make my job harder are rude.

Stop with the various jokes for "I'm full", "I've had too much to drink", and all check-related jokes.  You are now the least creative person I know, and the second-to-least is the guest that just left my section (see how that works?)  We've heard them all before, all of them... so please, stop.  Chances are, we wish you would float (away), explode, or be wheel-barreled away (30 friggin minutes ago).

I'm allergic to that.

If you do not have an allergy to a food item, don't claim to be allergic just because you don't like it!  Chances are, your server cares very little about your allergy anyway.  We do, however, care that your food comes as you requested (well, if you do have an allergy, it doesn't hurt to be safe).  People ask me time and time again to be sure no onions come with their meal.  Only to then smother their meal with a sauce that is made with like, 10,000 onions!  I'm not trying to say that your server doesn't care about your allergy, but to assume you'll get some sort of special attention because you made up some false allergy is ridiculous!  Order your food.  Your server wants it to come out right.  If it doesn't, send it back.

Where to go from here?

Will the possibility of this book ever come to be?  Who knows.  I do know it is quite necessary.  From ordering another drink when your drink is still half-full, to how to tip when you come in with a f*cking coupon, there is a lot more to be addressed...  oh, and tipping with change is never acceptable.

I was really only ranting about a few of the things that have happened to me within the last three shifts that I worked.  I am certain these issues will continually go on unnoticed by guests all across the country.