What we need... Dining out for Dummies: Part 2!

Maybe I am just pissed because it was another long day at work, I was on my feet all day, and I am now borderline drunk.  However, in just one day several guests at the restaurant pissed me the f*ck off, and it is now time for another installment of What We Need!

I will have another Do We Really Need soon...  One's already planned.  I just can't believe I was serving so many disrespectful assholes today...  I had the kind of day that makes you want to get on your laptop and write...  These f*cking pricks are still making me work (sike, I enjoy writing...  I don't consider this work)!

"How are you?"...  "I'm coke"

OK, when a server approaches your table and sets beverage napkins on the table, they are doing more than preparing a nice soft place for your drink to land.  First, the beverage napkins are a signal to the rest of the staff that you have been "greeted".  They (the server) are/is also there to deliver a friendly welcome and pass on some valid information.  Most restaurants have featured items and it is up to the server to inform you of them.  My point is: When the server approaches your table and speaks words, chances are, the proper response to those initial words are not your drink order!  I am almost 100% certain that your server will start with "How are you folks doing tonight?"  (or some rendition)...  What universe recognizes "I'll have a coke" as the proper response to that question?  When the server approaches your table, shut the f*ck up until you are asked a question!

We encourage wandering!

When navigating the restaurant, please take your time.  There couldn't possibly be food runners and staffers attempting to briskly move passed you! Not at all.  Please sir...  take all the f*cking time you need... really, take all the time in the world.  That was sarcasm.  When you dine in restaurant-land, your time is not nearly as important as the time being watched by those of us working in restaurant-land.  So please be aware of your surroundings!  Your slow walk is holding up traffic, guests need their damn food!  Or, whatever the hell else they are waiting on!  The point is this: those nifty aisles that the table-layout creates are mainly for the staff.  We have no problem with you using them...  But please be aware of what is going on around you.  Oh, and when we give you the right-of-way, the words we are saying are: "After you sir", what we really mean is: "Hurry up and get the hell out of my way."

I pay all of my bills with compliments.

I remember one month several years ago, I was a bit behind on the electric bill.  I called Duke Energy, and spoke with someone in customer service.  I informed them that, yes I was behind on my payment - but I am a really good server, and I should be forgiven of the debt.  They didn't seem to care too much.

I guess some people don't realize that servers earn their money almost entirely in tips.  I am not going to explain how our cushy $2.13/hr salary really only helps pay our income taxes on the tips we claim...  yes, servers do pay taxes.  Anyways, leaving two measly dollars on $79, as pictured to the left, is never acceptable.  To add insult to injury, when these guests sat down at the table, they pitched a douche-tent, laid train tracks to douche-ville, and escorted the mayor to their Woodstock version of douche-fest.

That reminds me.  Go ahead and be an asshole to your server.  It shows off your ignorance to the fact that they control your food before you get it.  I am not suggesting that anyone would tamper with your food, but I am sure there are servers out there who have little respect for their job, and their restaurant.  You're the idiot for taking that chance.

It's all about etiquette.

Maybe that's what all of this boils down to.  Being a respectful person, and understanding the fact that your server isn't there to take care of you solely for pleasure.  Hopefully this has fulfilled my need to write about dining out, and I can get back to writing about completely useless shit.