Do we really need... National Coffee Day?

Well folks, you may think today is merely September 29th, 2012.  What you may not know is that September 29th is observed as "National Coffee Day"!!  Today is the day where we have a moment of silence for the wonderful innovation of the crushed coffee bean with hot water slowly run through it.  I had an extra minute for the person who discovered how wonderful coffee is with some coffee creamer in it.  See how wonderful coffee is?  It opened a whole new market for shit to be put into your coffee.  

So today, put the decaf on the shelf, forget about any long-term damage that may be done to your heart from ingesting too much caffeine, and chug back as much Columbian coffee as your body can possibly handle.  I know I have - my hands are shaking like hell as I type this!

Coffee, who are you anymore?

There comes a point in life, when you have to look closely to realize you have tried to fix something so much you end up breaking it.  What the f**k has our world done to coffee?  Coffee was perfect until shitty Starbucks got their hands on it.  Seriously, have you ever gone to Starbucks and tried to order just a plain coffee?  The barista looks at you like you're the biggest asshole in the world - I mean, with all of that frothy milk and syrup...  you just want coffee?  You are such an asshole, with a capital DICK.  

Macchiato, Mochacino, Americano, Caramel Latte, Cappucino, and a whole slew of other made up coffee drinks makes it hard to keep up.  But, just listing them makes me want to put on a beret and type up a blog on my Macbook on the patio at Starbucks.  Everybody will look at me and think I am writing a screenplay, or some really deep poetry.  Girls will look and think I am sensitive, and want to make small-talk.  Guys will look and think I am confident because I had the balls to leave the house in a beret...  or they'll think I'm gay.

Final Analysis.

Just drink your coffee and shut up.  Drink it however you enjoy it.  Don't observe this ridiculous "holiday"...  I've been drinking coffee for almost 20 years now, and never once did I take a moment to appreciate its existence.  Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm vain, I couldn't tell you.  I'm too self-absorbed to worry about your feelings anyway.  Celebrating coffee will take away from real holidays, like Super-Bowl Sunday...  Now that's a holiday worth celebrating.

Do we really need... Invigorating face-wash?

During a shower a few days ago, something really pissed me off.  For a change, it wasn't the water pressure; It was an adjective used to describe the face wash I've used for quite some time now.

Invigorating.

What the hell Neutrogena?  I get what you are going for.  You want to create the image that after washing your face with their product you will feel energized... but really?  I've got news for you Neutrogena, I can just rub luke-warm water into my face in the morning and feel energized...  That doesn't make my hands, or my water, invigorating.  Now, you get me a face-wash with : "I clean your face, Mother F*cker!" Printed on it, and I will buy that shit by the case!  But instead, Neutrogena had to hire  a couple of marketing-majored-numbskulls to sit around a room thinking of some new face-wash-bottle designs.  Three months and $18,000 later, this is what they have come up with.

I feel it is also a huge disrespect to the English language.  Invigorate is such a cool word, isn't it?  I'm almost glad the title of the blog includes the word "invigorate" because I get to center the blog around it, and completely abuse it via over-use.  Sky-diving is invigorating.  Whitewater rafting is invigorating.  Hell, I am sure the running of the bulls is pretty f*cking invigorating - so when taking into account all of these awesomely invigorating activities, how the hell does Neutrogena have the balls to throw face-washing into the mix?

Marketing students - change your major.

Is it me, or is the quality of marketing talent being sculpted by our universities double-bogey at best (golf reference, sub-par can be interpreted as a "bogey", I wanted to drive the point home that the talent is in fact worse than just a bogey)...  Like those commercials that come out during football season, that awkwardly reference football:

We will give your team home-field advantage, so when it's

the two minute warning, we will get you to the red-zone

so you can score a touchdown.

Oh how I hate you - person in charge of marketing for <insert company name here>.  A few months back I had blogged about those ridiculous prescription pill commercials.  If I had the benefit of hindsight, I would've realized no single industry had shitty marketing cornered.

Final analysis.

OK marketing professionals (somehow, this blog segued from face-wash to marketing in general), here is the skinny.  When you tell me a product is "So easy a child can do it." and I have problems assembling it, you make me feel dumb and I hate you.  Stop.  Don't insist that I "don't want to be left behind", because no one wants to be a follower.  No one believes your product is "hassle-free."  OH, and when you run a commercial for a kitchen knife, don't tell me the knife retails for $79.99, just to immediately drop it down to $19.99, then throw in another knife exactly like it, then add a carrying-case made out of baby-hair and a cutting-board made out of Unicorn-horn... Is the knife made for $.02 by little Indonesian children?

Your product is probably not invigorating, exhilarating, exciting, breath-taking (funny, they never marketed cigarettes as such), appealing, handy, reliable, or something I cannot live without.  Please, stop with this nonsense.  At the end of the day, the end user will decide exactly what adjectives properly describe the use of your product.  

Do we really need... Campaign ads?

Well, another campaign season is upon us, and it is time for Americans to decide what candidate is right for them.  It is also the time of year when we stop posting pictures of dinners we've cooked, cute cats, and status updates like: "Uhh, I woke up tired" on Facebook...  They are all politic-related now.  God how I wish the days back when I could care less if you didn't feel like going to work today!

I can't watch one damn game of football without hearing how Romney wants to kill old people and tax the middle class to death, or hearing that Obama is a socialist Muslim who wasn't born in the United States...  Hey campaign-ad creators: Shut the hell up!  When I see Hakeem Nicks catch a pass in the end-zone for a touchdown, I don't want you ruining my day by buying ad-space (which Coors Light should rightfully have, they make the best commercials) and informing me about the other guy!  Talk about your guy!

My policy is, don't vote for that guy!

*Screen fades in*

"Mitt Romney has herpes.  He once killed a woman with cancer.  Yes, Mitt Romney gives people cancer.  He strapped a dog to the roof of his car.  He once told a gay man he was gay.  Do you want a herpes riddled, cancer-giving, dog-strapping, gay-informing  Mormon running your country?  Vote Obama"

Oh my God (OMG is you were born later than 1992), I will never vote for that guy! Obviously that was a fabrication of a campaign ad, but they are equally ridiculous!  Evidence that these ads sway votes will make me lose complete faith in our democracy, so I'll do no research for that evidence.  I have a hunch that they do actually work.

*Law and Order gavel sound*

"Barrack Obama was born in Kenya.  He eats dogs.  He is a communist who will stop at no means to destroy capitalism.  Obama has herpes and told a gay man about it.  Do you want a foreign, dog-eating communist, socialism-loving, herpes-carrying gay-consoling President to become President again?  Vote Romney"

Is it me, or does everyone running for public office have herpes?  They really need to practice safe-sex over in Washington...  Or not...

On your mark... get set...  LIE!

Aye, there's the rub.  You would have an easier time convincing me that the TV series Lost was a factual documentary, than convincing me that anything said in a campaign ad is not a complete fabrication of the truth.

Here is the biggest irk of them all.  The f*cking money being thrown at these things!  Hey, instead of spending millions creating false ad's against your opponent, spend them to fund the printing of a book titled, I don't know (IDK if you were born after 1992), "Do we really need... this book?"  How that wouldn't benefit society is beyond me.  We should at least try and see.

Every couple of years we allow these things to destroy our already-destroyed television entertainment (thank you MTV, for making TV suck)...  Yet we just live on.  Are we cynical to the point where we believe we aren't paying attention?  I don't know about you, but I am torn between a man who straps dogs to cars and a man who eats them...  I wonder: in which scenario did the dog suffer the least?  And what if it was the same dog?  Poor thing.

Final analysis.

Stop spending campaign finances on this shit.  Actually, donate campaign donations back to the people who donated them to you (Three variations of "donate" in the same sentence...  I'm impressed).  I find it hard to believe this waste of dollars is helping the economy...  "Oh, but filmmakers are getting jobs" you say.  Well, if the people making campaign ads were any good, they wouldn't be making campaign ads... would they?