Adult assembly required.

So, in preparation for my son who is to be delivered in August, my wife and I have been converting one of our spare bedrooms into a nursery.  This, of course, includes building a crib.  It didn't take three minutes after opening the box (opening the box took more like 15 minutes) for me to just get incredibly pissed at lawyers and our society in general.

I don't know about you, but I am sick of the obvious being stated.  From Caution: Hot Beverage being printed on my take-out coffee cups to Do not eat on those tiny packages of ball-like things that are packaged with electronics.  Hey society, let us take some f*cking risks!  We learn in school that a function of Darwinism is the strong overcoming the obstacles the weak are unable to, which leads to a stronger species. We have been interfering with Darwin now for over forty years, and the result is a huge society filled with pansies, and men are now wearing make-up.

You mean, my unborn baby shouldn't be building this?

Is there anyone who reads this and immediately thinks: Oh, sh*t...  well little Billy, it looks like I'm going to have to put this damn thing together myself now.  No.  Any a**hole who was going to have a child put together a crib won't suddenly have a moment of clarity and do the right thing.  Also, we are expecting way to little from our kids nowadays.  Ever see Little House on the Prairie?  Little Billy would already be going toe-to-toe with a King Rattlesnake (if there is such a thing), single-handedly choke out the snake, de-venom the damn thing, and serve it up for his family.  Let's also not forget that the crib was made in China.  I wonder how many of the workers assembling the pieces of the crib were only three years out of a crib themselves!  Here in the US, however, we wrap Billy up in a catcher's protective gear, put seven extra wheels on his bicycle, and tell him to have at it...  And he looks like a wobbling idiot as he goes down the street learning nothing.

I feel I have already touched on this with Hot Beverage Warnings, but every time I see something stating the damn obvious, I die a little inside (and as a smoking beer-aholic, I need all the life I can get).  I'm sure after my kid is born, I will see more and more of these "obvious" warning labels, so stay tuned.  For now, I'm saying: Hey lawyers, f*ck you!

Do we really need...Miley Cyrus "twerking"?

You want to watch a train-wreck happen in slow motion?  Go back 6 or 7 years when Miley Cyrus played sweet little Hannah Montana and follow her career to today.  Then, look at the very young girls who look up to Miley follow her every move on this trash-train to no inhibitions.

Just look at the way Miley's sister dressed up for Halloween a year or two ago.  What the f*ck?  Far be it from me to know when to bite my tongue, but I will practice restraint on account of the fact that she is nine years old in this picture.  But again, what the f*ck?

Do younger sisters of superstars have no parents?  What father lets his nine-year old daughter dress up in the same boots that you only find in S&M movies?  Also, I thought the standard for dresses and skirts was, like an inch or two above the knee.  Granted, she has small legs (she was nine for God's sake), but the dress is more like an inch or two (more like an inch) below the waist!

I've spent too much time on Miley's younger sister, who I am willing to bet is getting into outfits now that make this look like a Brownie's uniform.  Let's get back to the Superstars Disney creates, shall we?

Apparently Miley was "twerking" some B-rated rap-star Juicy J (the only Juicy I recognize in the Hip Hop world is the song by the late Notorious BIG).  Now, I don't know what "twerking" is, but Miley makes it look like she is riding an air-d*ck.  If this is what twerking is, and if twerking is a recognizable dance, I'm afraid I'm ready to check out of this world.

Here is some edited footage:

Well, one thing's for sure: the phrase "Go white girl" does not come to mind.  Here is something that comes to mind: Where the hell is Lil' Kim in a half-dress wearing a pasty to smack some sense into this chick?  Foxy Brown?  Hell, Da Brat?  Again...  what the f*ck!

Do we really need... PC Laptops?

My laptop's battery got into the danger-zone, and the warning message we are all too familiar with opened on my screen:

It dawned on me...  is my laptop being politically correct?  What other power source must you mean, Windows?  I know, I'll do the onion/Gatorade thing - you know, where the guy charges his iPod?

  

We don't want you to feel left out.

We wouldn't want all the other power sources to feel left out, would we?  How would you feel if you were a steam-powered generator, and you knew laptops around the world weren't including you as a power source option?  I wouldn't want to live in a world that only favored the most convenient option for power-generation.  Maybe there is a species of giant hamsters...  ok, now we're just getting ridiculous, but you catch my drift.  So next time you are using your laptop and the battery nears the end of its life, make sure you consult Wikipedia's list of energy sources before walking just a couple of feet to the wall outlet.  Yeah, most houses nowadays have wall outlets every couple of feet...  but we don't want convenience to get in the way of all the other great sources of power, such as a hamster running on a wheel (I couldn't help but get that out!)

Final Analysis

Pox this politically correct crap.  If someone can legitimately find a better way to charge a laptop battery, please let me know.  Until then, Windows, just say "Plug in your f**king computer"!

Good day.

Do we really need... Pens with flashlights?

Even though I feel like I am revisiting Clocks on Appliances and Throw Pillows, I can't sit idly by while the mash-up of these two inventions continue to circulate the globe and get a free pass.  I am talking, folks, about the pen that has a flash-light built into it.

Inventing for invention's sake.

The pen is a fantastic invention.  It allows us to record our thoughts, data, or any other information that might be too important to rely on memory alone (I am lousy when it comes to remembering where a piece of paper, I had written important information on, is...  but that's my cross to bear).  The flash-light is also a great invention.  It provides light when there is only darkness.  But...  Who is the f*cking genius that thought it would be a good idea to combine an invention that requires light to use, with an invention that is only useful in the dark?  Hold on now, it would be great if the flashlight was mounted so you can write in the dark...  But no, the flashlight is on the top side of the pen.  So it doesn't even solve the problem of pens being useless in the dark!

Not to mention, these are the two inventions that are the hardest to find when you do need them.  Really, when someone asks if you have a pen, is your answer usually:  "Oh, I have one right here"?  No!  You say: I've got one somewhere, all the while rummaging through a ton of sh*t you haven't seen in ages with the faintest memory of a pen being there!  When the power goes out, is there ever a time when you say: I know where the flashlight with fully-charged batteries is!  NO!!  So why combine the f*cking two!

Final Analysis.

I love capitalism and the free-market.  But this lazy wannabe invention crap has got to end.  Let's stop ruining perfectly good inventions by strapping another equally important yet completely irrelevant invention to them.  I imagine twenty years from now I'll be writing about the convertible airplane, or lawn sprinklers with cup-holders...  yeah,  that's the world we live in.

Do we really need... Burt Wonderstone?

OK peeps:  I want to start by saying I am a huge Steven Carrel fan.  I've enjoyed most of his movies, and the parts he's played in most movies (less Anchorman.  I am not a big fan of the "idiot" role in general.  Not good comedy). 

That being said - 

After catching a commercial for his new movie: The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, I felt like there was a missed opportunity.  Here is IMDB's description:

Magician Burt Wonderstone splits from his longtime stage partner after a guerrilla street magician steals their thunder. By spending some time with his boyhood idol, Burt looks to remember what made him love magic in the first place.

I immediately thought: Why didn't Ben Stiller do this with Tony Wonder?  Tony Wonder was the best spoof of a magician since The Magician named G.O.B.!  Come on guys, I'm sure Steve Carrel did a great job, but let's put Burt Wonderstone and Tony Wonder side-by-side:

My Arrested Development homies know what I mean when I say "come on!!"  Sorry Steve, Tony Wonder takes it.  Besides, we need another good Ben Stiller flick.  I bet Will Ferrell would make a great supporting actor...  Yeah, and why didn't the makers of Wonderstone reach out to Will?  Do you really think he was that busy making Anchorman 2?!?  Again, come on!!

This is what I will never get about Hollywood.  I just created a much better movie that could've been written since 2006, and yet, we are stuck with this crap.  I doubt Burt Wonderstone will ever be as quotable of a hero like Ricky Bobby or Ron Burgundy (which he is busy trying to destroy that great name).

To finish it off, I am going to leave you with a video.  One of my favorite scenes starring Ben Stiller as Tony Wonder:

Now, how in the world will Steve Carrel compete with that?

Do we really need... The iPotty?

I rarely start off swearing, but where the f*ck are we going as a world folks?  The iPotty?  Whichever way we are going as a world, I am now convinced we have gone too far to turn around.  The iPotty is a training toilet with an iPad-dock.  Yes, a training toilet with an iPad dock.  You can't make this sh*t up!

It was first unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), and from what I understand Apple never attends (as a vendor).  See Apple?  This is what f*cking happens to your products when you don't have a presence at the Consumer Elections Show!  This is your fault!

But every moment should be a learning experience!

To the parents buying and the people constantly making this crap, you need to stop.  What will a kid get out of using an iPad while learning to take a dump, besides wanting to use the iPad every time they go into the bathroom?  Oh, and I've got some news for you...  Using the restroom is easy for you, you've been doing it all your life.  It's easy for you to pick up a magazine or a mobile device and read while you are doing "the biz"...  However, while your kid is potty-training - they are learning something - they are learning how to take a f*cking dump without getting it everywhere!  Do you really want to distract them?  The last thing you need to do is let your kid be distracted, unless you want the highlight of their life to be running a blog where they get to bitch about sh*t like the iPotty.

Look at this poor kid.  The oppressive weight of having to use the restroom with no digital entertainment is really taking a toll on him.  Little does he know, there are parents who are spendthrifts all over the country not allowing their children to deal with the same suffering as he (if that's not a commercial for first-world problems, I'm not sure what is).

From here on out we should make a rule:  You are not allowed to have any form of entertainment (magazine, book, electronic device, etc) in the restroom until you can f*cking use the restroom - from start to finish - by yourself.  That includes full operation of the door (opening, closing, locking), operating the lights, cleaning up, and flush.  Once you can do that, then you can bring your f*cking iPad in.

Final Analysis.

Sorry for the swearing folks, I don't know what came over me.  Anyways, I can't fault the creators.  Many people try to create products that fail because there is no demand in the market.  I hate to wish any ills on anyone making a product, but I am hoping there is no market for the iPotty.

Do we really need... A West / Kardashian baby?

I am pretty sure all of us have been to some public place in the past - looked around at the people occupying said place - and thought: "Gee, I hope none of these people reproduce."  Think of the last time you were at the DMV or Post Office, or maybe at a family reunion.  No matter where it was, we've all had this feeling.  If you are thinking: "I've never thought that", chances are people feel that way about you.

Very rare, however, do we feel this way when we turn on the TV.  As a kid I always hoped Zach knocked up Kelly on Saved By The Bell.  I always wanted little Kevin Arnold to put the screws to Winnie Cooper on the Wonder Years (too much?)...  However, I never, ever, ever wanted to see Kim Kardashian with child.  Throw in some Kanye West genes with the Kardashian blend?  This poor kid has no chance.

Let's talk to the fella's!

Yo Kanye, what the hell are you thinking man?  Do you know this chick holds the world record for shortest marriage ever (might not be factually correct)!  If you are going for a Jay-Z/Beyonce thing, you completely failed.  Beyonce is extremely talented.  Kim Kardashian is famous because of her parents (not sure which one) and leaking a sex-tape (which Pamela Anderson totally did first, and after that Paris Hilton...  So she just reinvented the leaked-porno-wheel), and you didn't even want to masturbate to the sex-tape...  so I hear....  No really, a friend told me that...  OK, I masturbated to her sex-tape!

That's who you want mothering your child?  To make her parents proud, all she had to do was not make a sex-tape.  That's it!  

All my single-ladies!

Well, I would throw in a little about Kanye here, but we have Chris Brown in the entertainment business.  As long as Chris Brown is around, Kanye will appear to be a semi-decent pick.  

But what about the kid!

See what I'm talking about folks?  I've dedicated a blog post to Kimye's (that reminds me, TMZ: it feels like you're forcing those now) baby and have exhausted 358 words on its incredibly self-absorbed celebrity-parents.  Let's just hope they don't spend their money like they will continue to make these sums for their entire lives, and let's hope to hell they hire some people to do a majority of the baby-raising!

Celebrity parents are usually so good at doing their jobs aren't they?  Look at Brittany over here almost dropping her baby.  You can see her carefully thinking about how to turn this into a papparazzi nip-slip for the internet tabloids!  Even her publicist behind her is in "catch the baby because this nip-slip is going to earn me some cash" mode.

Oh, and remember when Michael Jackson died?  People were either talking about the King of Pop dying, or that his death overshadowed Farrah Fawcett's death.  Nothing about Michael's poor children (one of which was held out of a hotel window Lion King style)...  Celebrity parents suck...  Even Brad and Angelina (whatever her name is) are terrible parents.  Sure, they adopt kids from impoverished nations.  But they are hording them like some weird cat-lady does cats!  Oh, and remember Dave Hasselhoff's daughter?  She recorded her drunk-ass father on the floor eating a burger.  No one does that to the Hoff!

Final analysis.

Take this baby away.  For God's sake, give Casey Anthony another shot.  Nothing can be worse than these two having a kid together.  And yes, I know Snookie has a kid.