Banfield.

Once again, a $25.99 monthly debit to Banfield crosses my radar, and once again I'm tasked with figuring out why the f*ck we pay for Banfield.  See, $25.99 seems like pennies in terms of a monthly payment.  But, I've been playing this game for over three years now.  So I've paid a company almost $1,000 in figuring out whether I need them or not, and that doesn't include the money I spend when I actually do go.  But now I'm back to my original question:

No...  No question - Banfield is a scam.
OK...  So I took my dog recently (she'd pooping problems for approximately 3 days), I was so confused with the conversation I had with the woman checking my dog in:

Nurse: "What's the baby's name?" 
Me: "The baby?  Oh, his name is Lucas." 
Nurse: "His?  It says here she's a girl?"
Me: "Oh...  the dog?"
Nurse: "Yes, the baby?"
Me: "The baby or the dog?  Because the dog is named Juliet."
Me: "We call her Jules" (I only point out her full name so people don't mistake it for "jewels")...
Nurse: "Why is she here?"
Me: "You guys called us...  and she's having problems pooping."
Nurse: "What kind of problems?"

OK, so I won't bore you with the poop-related banter.  Instead, I'll simply tell you she inquired about the poop-related problems my dog was having.  If you're interested, you're either really creepy or an aspiring Veterinarian (if you were already a Veterinarian - I suspect you'd have more important things to do than read my blog, that's why I stopped at aspiring).  Here is the conversation after the poop related discussion (brackets: [] are my blog-banter):

Me: "So, we're going to have to pay some dough for this checkup?"
Nurse: "Well, yes.  Bringing your baby here [My 9 month old is my f*cking baby, not my 30-something (in dog years) prima donna dog who recently decided to have problems pooping] is free.  You'll either have to pay [a ridiculous sum of money], or if you sign another contract you'll just have to pay [a less ridiculous sum of money] if you want us to fist her in the butt."
Me: "So, either way this costs money?"

Hey Sparky, we're taking you to Banfield!

So, the conversation is boring on either side of the poop-banter.  Fine.  Point is, around the time we decide to stop paying for Banfield, they somehow find a way to get us in.  Once we get the dog there, we have to make a decision between paying a lot upfront, or a little over time (which always ends up being more).  Like any person who is insanely stupid when it comes for money, I opt to take the route which requires me to pay less upfront.  Oh, and after a $115 checkup, $40 in high-fiber dog food, and pooping problems that continued shortly thereafter, I learned that feeding the dog pineapple will help with her problems.  Yes, a $1 can of f*cking pineapple slices fixed her right up.  This time, I will not let Banfield scam us into another year of this crap.  Instead, we'll simply save the money, and take the dog to a Vet when she has a problem.  Like people used to do - ironically people used to have more money.  I wonder if the amount of money people have in their pockets is directly related to the wide range of stupid shit they have to spend it on - like Banfield.

Final Analysis.

Save your money.  F*ck Banfield.