Do we really need... The NFL Pro Bowl?

The NFL Pro Bowl is an anomaly to most.  Year in and year out people torture themselves for 4 hours in front of the TV watching what appears to be a pathetic skirmish against two thrown-together teams consisting of rival players who would much rather be physically assaulting strippers than pretending to give a shit about this pointless game.  Could that be considered a run-on sentence?  I would consult my wife the English teacher, but she is asleep (she obviously only cares about herself).

But Dan, it's Football, how can it suck?

That should be the case no?  The model of the All-Star game should actually foster quite an intense match up.  You take the best players from all teams and make divisional teams, and have the two teams duke it out!  Sounds great right!?  WRONG.  Let me paint a picture for you.  Two heavy-weight boxers, both coming up the ranks by beating the shit out of their past contenders.  It's the big title-bout.  They get in the ring. They undress their robes, pull down their boxing trunks, oil each other up, and proceed to push each other back and forth for, like, 4 hours.  Sounds boring right?  While that is something I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to see, I can understand how boxing fans would be quite disappointed with this bout.

This tackle is more intense than ANY seen in the Pro Bowl.

But Dan, it's FOOTBALL!


OK, fair point (again)...  Here is the problem.  By the time the Pro Bowl comes around, the season is over.  Two teams are left, and they are playing in the Superbowl (which is WAY more important), so those teams' players get a pardon.

So the players in the Pro Bowl are all LOSERS, who just want to go ahead and get on with their vacations.  Hell, if I just earned $4,000,000+, I'd be ready to assault strippers myself!

Why are those two very short paragraphs relevant?  Because the players in the pro-bowl are simply doing what they can to not get injured!  Who would want to get injured in (arguably) the least important game of the NFL season?  Pre-season included!!  Yes, the Pro Bowl is harder to watch than preseason games.  Sacs barely happen, tackles are pansy-ish at best, and no one wants to go for the big plays!  Seriously, this group of children in a Pop Warner league have more intense tackles!

The ones wearing the Cowboys Uniforms are future criminals.

Final Analysis


We need to do something quickly.  I am not yet going to say we DON'T need it, because hey, it's Football! It is in need of some serious repair, and fast.  Here is how we fix it.  Let the Football Season play its course. Have the Superbowl.  Allow the players to go on drug binges and whatever the hell else professional athletes do with a ton of money and time off (like assault strippers).  At the beginning of the FOLLOWING season, right before preseason, take all of the best players from the previous year, put them on their divisional teams, and have the Pro Bowl right before the beginning of the following season.

Well, that might not work either.  Than you are going to have a bunch of rusty good-for-nothings on the field, and while you might get great hits, you are probably going to sacrifice poor passes, dropped balls, and sluggish play.  Maybe there is no hope for the Pro Bowl...