Do we really need... Free Dildos and Vibrators?

I'm currently in the process of sourcing products from Alibaba - I know, I'm scum.  Fact is - it's hard to find a manufacturer in the U.S. that isn't already selling to the end user.  That's not the point of this, though.  When you're at the homepage, putting the cursor in the search bar will bring up a list of popular searches - and this most recent time something caught my eye:

Source: Screen Cap

Free Dildos and Vibrators?

Who the f*ck is searching for this?  OK, first - how dumb do you have to be to think you'll find something free on a large eCommerce platform.  Secondly, who the f*ck is trying to find free sex-toys?!?  Is it me, or does the word free in this context almost suggest: "gently used?"

Am I the only one who believes that if you're looking for an item to provide sexual pleasure, you should probably have some proverbial "skin" in the game?  And we haven't even touched on the fact that enough people are searching for this to appear in popular searches!

Another thing that pisses me off is that it completely overshadows Virgin Brazilian Hair.  Who the hell is searching for hair?  I could write endlessly about how ridiculous buying hair online is, but no.  Free dildos and vibrators had to make the list too and take all the attention.

I'm not sure how this makes me feel about continuing to search on Alibaba.  Well, not until we have one of those "sexual predators in your area" maps for people navigating the same website as you.  Although - having a service like that will undoubtedly force me to stop exploring the depths of 4chan, so it may be more of a double-edged sword.  It may be best to continue happily flying blind on the net......  for now.

Do we really need.... Open Letters?

Here is my plea to everyone who has felt the need to pen an open letter (in the words of Felonius Munk): Stop it B.  I've never really noticed this phenomenon, but it's been happening right in front of my face for at least the past 5 years.  I was recently browsing Medium and came across an article titled: An Open Letter to My Daughter.  You want to know why I didn't link to it?  Because when I Googled: "An Open Letter to My Daughter", it came back with 181,000 f*cking results.  One hundred, and eighty one thousand f*cking results.  And notice I used quotes to ensure each word will appear in every search result.

Source: my Google search results.

Couldn't you just tell your daughter face to face?  Especially the letters to the "unborn daughters" - f*cking serious?  That girl is, literally, at least 10 years out from comprehending anything you've written, 15 years out from being able to search for it, and by then - the blog you're housing it on might not even EXIST by then.

That's not the goal of the open letter, though.  No one expects the open letter to actually reach the intended recipient.  The goal of the open letter is to put on display how deep and insightful the author is, or how strong and willed they are.  It has nothing to do with whom the letter is actually written to.  I'm not sure what people with Mensa cards do all day (or the people who receive MacArthur grants), but I know they're wasting their time not conducting an in-depth study to find how often the person the open letter is written to actually reads the open-letter.

Moving Forward

Feel compelled to write an open letter?  Follow this

1. Start writing the open letter
2. Finish the open letter
3. Kill yourself before posting it to the internet.

No, the irony is not lost on me that this is, in fact, an open letter of sorts.

Do we really need.... The Milk/Bread Rush?

Charlotte, NC just experienced snowmageddon.  To show you what we had to endure, I've included a picture right outside of the building I work in:

Yup, this is snowma-f*cking-geddon.

Notice the parking lot right next to my building?  These idiots didn't even come in today.  How could they?  They would've had to navigate this massive f*cking blizzard that decimated our fragile city.  What's worse, in preparation for this storm of biblical proportions, people went out and stocked up on goods.  Obviously, canned goods that can be eatent hot or cold, in the event they lose power, right?  Wrong.  Bread and f*cking milk.

Source: WCNC

First off, and I think most would agree - if I'm going to be trapped, the first item on my checklist is beer.  The next item might be real sustenance, but it certainly won't be bread and milk.  Maybe some canned chili, pizza, I don't know.  Seriously, whose survival depends on these items?  There was not a person on the face of this planet whose cause of death was lack of bread and milk.  Maybe a lack of food, that's one thing. -- All joking aside - let's end hunger.  That's my stance. -- When did this start?  I seriously feel like if it weren't already a thing, people wouldn't do it - at all.  Secondly, if you must get bread and milk, get peanut butter too!  That you can store in a pantry, and you'll look like you actually have a plan for both items.  I feel, if we added peanut butter to the equation, people would think: "Oh, they're going to eat a peanut butter sandwich, then wash it down with some milk." 

I understand, we're panicky by nature.  We've ran out of real problems, so we've got to over-prepare to maybe be trapped for a couple of days inside our homes.  But can we prepare properly?  Again, if you're going to stay home because of inclement weather, make sure you're getting hammered.  Alcohol, drugs, whatever.  At least then, you won't give a sh*t that you forgot to pick up milk and bread.  

Other than that, I have no feelings on this matter.

What Nobody Learned From the Homeless Guy Pizza Video

There's been a video circling social-media for a week now, featuring a man pretending to be hungry asking the patrons of a Pizza Parlor (parlor?) for some food, being denied each time.  Later, he has two friends drop off some pizza slices to a man who appears to be homeless.  That same man asks the homeless guy for a slice, and the homeless guy obliges and they sit down and eat a slice together.  Everyone is taking this as a lesson.  Everyone is missing the bigger picture.

Here is the video, created by YouTuber Sam Pepper:

Everyone collectively thought: "Wow.  The homeless guy has so much more compassion!  I need to be more giving."  I'll admit: I did too.  That is, until I really pulled apart what is happening here.  First off, let's not be fooled.  Sam is not a person in need.  He was in the pizza place with two obnoxious gold chains, hair freshly cut, designer frames for his spectacles, and he was wearing clean clothes.  None of which strikes the thought: This guy is in need.  Actually, shame on Sam for pretending to be hungry, while not actually playing the part, and then attempting to SHAME the people smart enough to see through his bullsh*t via youtube video!  The people in the pizza place were actually the smart ones, because again, Sam is not really "in need."

What else did we learn?  People are much less likely to care about their possessions when they are simply given to them.  The homeless guy barely even looked at Sam when he asked for a slice.  If he did, he might've reached the same conclusion the people in the restaurant did: this guy is not really hungry.  Oh, and shame on Sam for taking food out of a homeless guy's mouth in an effort to shame people enjoying their day eating pizza.  Again, he's not really hungry.  If he was, he would've pawned those obnoxious chains and his damn video camera a long time ago.

What Now?

Thanks to Sam, if you approach me in a restaurant asking for food, I'm simply going to think you're filming an emotion-manipulating youtube video, and am going to deny you food.  Thanks Sam, because of you and your manipulative techniques, I'm now a worse person.  Next time, send an actual homeless person into the restaurant and see if you get the same results.

Do We Really Need.... Smart Products?

We can all probably remember when the first "Smart Phones" were released.  Despite the fact that the ones coming out two years later made the older ones look stupid, we were all pretty excited.  These devices are SMART!!  Well, we didn't have the benefit of hindsight back then, so we didn't realize they were actually stupid as sh*t.  But, the "smart" trend took over and we were then graced with the presence of Smart Cars, which I wrote about back in 2012.  Well, once again we are embraced with a "smart" technology, and it's a gun!  So, let's evaluate how smart this sh*t actually makes us, shall we?

Smart Phones 

Yes, because walking into a fountain is incredibly smart.  Next time, stay off the f*cking phone.  What was so important at the time, that you had to risk living in complete embarrassment of being the girl who walks into a fountain?  But then you sue?  We now know you --not as the dumb chick who walked into a fountain -- but as Cathy Cruz Marrero, the dumb chick who walked into a fountain.  How's that working out for you, Cathy?  Instead of fading into the anonymity that would've been "that chick just walked into a fountain", you'll now live in infamy as Cathy Cruz Marrero, the chick who not only walked into a fountain, but quickly sued the security company for releasing the video, of Cathy Crus Marrero being an idiot.  In this day and age, the video will still exist online!  Did this not occur to you in your years of owning a smart phone?  By the way, congrats on being a person who was made rich from being an idiot.

Smart Cars 

Yeah, so if you bought one, you're an idiot.  Want to prove me wrong?  OK...  My family is taking a trip to Ohio mid July...  Let's see your car can get myself, my wife, and my child, plus our luggage to our destination.  Oh, it can't?  Yeah, it's not because you're smart, it's because you were the victim of smart-marketing.  Your car is anything but smart, not to mention, you look like an idiot driving it.

Smart Guns

What is a "smart gun" you ask?  Well, it's obviously a gun that is smarter than the owner (which has proven to work SO WELL with other "smart" technology)...   The wikipedia article about the Smart Gun says:

Proponents of smart gun technology say that the technology would reduce or eliminate accidental use and misuse of firearms by children and teens, as well as reducing accidental discharges or the use of a firearm against its owner if the firearm is stolen or taken away.

Funny, does it teach children and teens to value, or at least appreciate, life to the point where they will never consider taking another persons' life?!?  Does it teach them that a simple dispute is not worth terminating the life of the person you are in conflict with?  Does it teach them that shooting your parents is not an acceptable response to: "No, you're not having a Hot Pocket for dinner"?

What's more likely to happen, is more people trying to prove how smart they are, and perform another gun demonstration gone wrong.  For God's sake, this guy was trying to show his girlfriend how safe an unloaded gun was (and forgot to check the chamber, because he is that smart)...  Imagine how many more idiots this kind of technology will spawn.  You think we have a gun problem now?  Just wait until guns are "smart".

Final Analysis

Quit with the smart technology.  Branding your product as "smart" is simply a way to make sheep want to buy it, and those of us smart enough to not spend the money feel stupid -- speaking of stupid, that's what your "smart" technology makes us.

Banfield.

Once again, a $25.99 monthly debit to Banfield crosses my radar, and once again I'm tasked with figuring out why the f*ck we pay for Banfield.  See, $25.99 seems like pennies in terms of a monthly payment.  But, I've been playing this game for over three years now.  So I've paid a company almost $1,000 in figuring out whether I need them or not, and that doesn't include the money I spend when I actually do go.  But now I'm back to my original question:

No...  No question - Banfield is a scam.
OK...  So I took my dog recently (she'd pooping problems for approximately 3 days), I was so confused with the conversation I had with the woman checking my dog in:

Nurse: "What's the baby's name?" 
Me: "The baby?  Oh, his name is Lucas." 
Nurse: "His?  It says here she's a girl?"
Me: "Oh...  the dog?"
Nurse: "Yes, the baby?"
Me: "The baby or the dog?  Because the dog is named Juliet."
Me: "We call her Jules" (I only point out her full name so people don't mistake it for "jewels")...
Nurse: "Why is she here?"
Me: "You guys called us...  and she's having problems pooping."
Nurse: "What kind of problems?"

OK, so I won't bore you with the poop-related banter.  Instead, I'll simply tell you she inquired about the poop-related problems my dog was having.  If you're interested, you're either really creepy or an aspiring Veterinarian (if you were already a Veterinarian - I suspect you'd have more important things to do than read my blog, that's why I stopped at aspiring).  Here is the conversation after the poop related discussion (brackets: [] are my blog-banter):

Me: "So, we're going to have to pay some dough for this checkup?"
Nurse: "Well, yes.  Bringing your baby here [My 9 month old is my f*cking baby, not my 30-something (in dog years) prima donna dog who recently decided to have problems pooping] is free.  You'll either have to pay [a ridiculous sum of money], or if you sign another contract you'll just have to pay [a less ridiculous sum of money] if you want us to fist her in the butt."
Me: "So, either way this costs money?"

Hey Sparky, we're taking you to Banfield!

So, the conversation is boring on either side of the poop-banter.  Fine.  Point is, around the time we decide to stop paying for Banfield, they somehow find a way to get us in.  Once we get the dog there, we have to make a decision between paying a lot upfront, or a little over time (which always ends up being more).  Like any person who is insanely stupid when it comes for money, I opt to take the route which requires me to pay less upfront.  Oh, and after a $115 checkup, $40 in high-fiber dog food, and pooping problems that continued shortly thereafter, I learned that feeding the dog pineapple will help with her problems.  Yes, a $1 can of f*cking pineapple slices fixed her right up.  This time, I will not let Banfield scam us into another year of this crap.  Instead, we'll simply save the money, and take the dog to a Vet when she has a problem.  Like people used to do - ironically people used to have more money.  I wonder if the amount of money people have in their pockets is directly related to the wide range of stupid shit they have to spend it on - like Banfield.

Final Analysis.

Save your money.  F*ck Banfield.

Do we really need... Best Burger awards?

Take a moment to think where you've had the best burger.  Go ahead...  I'll give you a minute.

Got it?  Ok...  you're full of sh*t.  It was a f*cking burger for God's sake.  I'm sure it had a bunch of toppings on it - which made it a better combination of toppings than it did a burger.  A hamburger is ground beef.  All you have to do is season it, then throw some other sh*t on, and boom - great burger.  If ground beef wasn't good with almost everything, there wouldn't be a Hamburger Helper...  and Hamburger Helper is awesome.

Credit - Someone...  I think Epic Meal Time

Who would not eat the sh*t out of this if was right in front of them?  If you claim you wouldn't, you're either lying or vegetarian.  If you're the former, fine - no one likes you, if you're the latter - stop ruining food for everyone.  Yes, you're a vegetarian, we know.  How do we know?  You probably just told us, that's how.

Your burger is good because there is tested (and approved) combination of food going on top of it - Onions and tomatoes go great with lettuce.  Mozzarella goes great with marinara.  Some people believe cole-slaw is good with chili.  Pickles are good by themselves, so we'll throw them on...  why the hell not? - what makes a burger great rarely has anything to do with the burger itself.  I'm willing to bet, any place that displays their "best burger" badge with honor has never had anyone actually eat their burger plain on a bun.  Why?  Because it wouldn't be a great burger, it'd just be seasoned and pattied ground-beef plus bread.  Who the f*ck craves seasoned and pattied ground-beef plus bread?  Seriously, if you tell me you like a burger on a bun plain, I hate you, and you shouldn't even be talking to me.  Why are you telling me about your obnoxiously inappropriate eating habits?

Cow 101

These oddly adorable creatures would be udderly (hah!  See what I did?  Good one Dan) useless if it weren't for the fact that we could eat over 50% of their bodies.  Now, let's all acknowledge certain parts of this wonderful creature do take precise seasoning and preparation in order to execute the perfect meal.  Now that that's out of the way, when you take its meat and just feed it through a f*cking meat-grinder, you're circumventing the whole precise part, and you can even get away with skipping the whole seasoning part.  It's a burger.  You're going to end up throwing sh*t on there anyway, so just get it over with.  If anything, you should be shunned for your grossly irresponsible use of time by putting a bunch of work into something we are just going to f*ck up with mustard, lettuce, cheese, and whatever else you put out to accompany your "masterpiece."

Final Analysis

Quit your f*cking burger-love.  They're awesome, we know.  It doesn't take much.  I can punish whatever burger you put in front of my face from Hardee's, and I will tell you immediately after that it was the best burger I've ever had.  If you own a restaurant and your claim-to-fame is a burger...  well, then it might as well be because you have employees.  Or lights.

Do we really need... To share the road?

So...  cyclists, what gives?  Why (for at least the past decade) have you been trying to over-take what's otherwise known as our country's fine road-system?  When the hell did you come up with the fantastic idea to navigate a 45lb or less aluminum tube-framed, two-wheeled, 20mph max-speed vehicle on the same infrastructure that 2,000lb steel-bodied 60mph rolling solid death dealers use?

The operative word is share.

There you are.  Enjoying the beautiful day, getting a ton of useful exercise, and being totally oblivious to the fact that there is a line of cars behind you with occupants vehemently wishing you didn't exist.  Sound terrible?  To us "drivers" (which, is extremely inflammatory and we get offended when you refer to us as such), you are a step below mopeds.  Yup.  We'd much rather get stuck behind a person who, on three separate occasions, didn't learn not to drink and drive.  You're a step beneath them.

Here's the thing.  People don't want to despise you!  We are all for sharing this wonderful road.  Keep in mind, however, while you are enjoying the road in all its' glory, we are stuck behind you only using the road for about, 10% of what it's made of.  It's wonderful to cruise at 14mph on a bike;  It's literally a f*cking nightmare trying to do 14mph in a car behind you.

So please, next time you suit up (in clothes that would never be deemed acceptable in any other scenario), before you put on that pressed foam/plastic helmet, and before you show the entire community just how into fitness you really are, please remember to keep looking behind you on the friggin agenda.

The only thing actually worse than getting stuck behind a cyclist, is getting stuck behind a car who has the stick-figure-family stickers on the back, where the stick figure family are all posing with bicycles.  Even the family dog has one.  I'm not sure where you people come from, but I guarantee no one has ever said: "Thank you God...  I was seriously wondering if that family in the Honda Pilot had a fetish for severely slowing down traffic."

Final Analysis.

I kid the bikers.  Keep using the road, and when it's safe we'll simply drive around you.  But be safe out there...  when you grow a pair, I'll see you on the Mountain Biking trails.

Men to be men.

Yo men, you know what I did this weekend?  I enjoyed downtown Charlotte with my wife for our anniversary.  What was my first order of business?  I broke my toe.  I did that before we even left the f*cking house.  What did I do about it?  I walked downtown Charlotte with my wife...  like a man.  I bowled several games at Strike City, like a man.  I even enjoyed intercourse...  like a man.  I know too many dudes who would've checked out on account of a broken toe...  unlike a man.

Men are different now.

No, feminists - we're not.  We are still men.  We have always wanted to look nice, smell nice, and be polite - but -  our need to be stronger than our female counter-part is natural.  Putting us in a onesie holding a cup of something other than coffee or liquor does not change us from what we are.  Actually, it just inspires us to make fun of the dude wearing a onesie holding a cup of something other than coffee or liquor (oh and coffee liquear does not count).

But dudes, you're allowing this sh*t to happen.  Why are you skipping cologne and going to full body spray?  Bar soap has done so well for us, but suddenly we are exfoliating with loofas and body gel?  F*cking face lotion?  F*cking hand lotion?  F*cking 18-blade razors???  Come on guys, cut your face once in a while, and do so without running for a damned band-aid.

Brohemian Rhapsody

Yeah bro, drink your morning iced-coffee through a straw.  That certainly makes it seem tougher than simply drinking an iced coffee...  oh wait, it doesn't.  Here is the real problem: this actually attracts women.  Women can actually look at this dude and think: ---  well..  I probably couldn't tell you what a woman thinks, but I still know what it's like to be a man.  This sure as hell doesn't; he is obviously one period away from crying over receiving tickets to the Ellen Degeneres show.  How awesome would it be to see her dance live, bro?

Men -

We no longer have to hunt and prepare food.  That's a plus.  That does not mean it is impossible to still be men in society.  Wanting to look nice is much different than being anything short of a female.  They set the rules - I get it - that doesn't mean they want to start dating more annoying versions of themselves!  That's what you've become - more annoying versions of females.

Back

My absence

Can be summed up in one picture:

That is my beautiful wife and 7 month old, Lucas.  We had a complicated pregnancy that led to an emergency C-section.  The adorable little man now has to see a specialist on 4/08/14, because his skull-plates fused together early, and there is a good chance he has to undergo surgery.

It's been busy.  There's been some ups and downs, but I would change none of it for the world - what does that even mean?  Why would someone want the "world"?  I just want stuff that's in it -  However, the light at the end of the tunnel only allows me to see everything that pisses me off again.

Time to fix society, one blog at a time.  With even more vigor - considering I'm raising a person to be a good man - so f*ck everything you thought was acceptable or were just going to ignore...  we've got work to do!

Adult assembly required.

So, in preparation for my son who is to be delivered in August, my wife and I have been converting one of our spare bedrooms into a nursery.  This, of course, includes building a crib.  It didn't take three minutes after opening the box (opening the box took more like 15 minutes) for me to just get incredibly pissed at lawyers and our society in general.

I don't know about you, but I am sick of the obvious being stated.  From Caution: Hot Beverage being printed on my take-out coffee cups to Do not eat on those tiny packages of ball-like things that are packaged with electronics.  Hey society, let us take some f*cking risks!  We learn in school that a function of Darwinism is the strong overcoming the obstacles the weak are unable to, which leads to a stronger species. We have been interfering with Darwin now for over forty years, and the result is a huge society filled with pansies, and men are now wearing make-up.

You mean, my unborn baby shouldn't be building this?

Is there anyone who reads this and immediately thinks: Oh, sh*t...  well little Billy, it looks like I'm going to have to put this damn thing together myself now.  No.  Any a**hole who was going to have a child put together a crib won't suddenly have a moment of clarity and do the right thing.  Also, we are expecting way to little from our kids nowadays.  Ever see Little House on the Prairie?  Little Billy would already be going toe-to-toe with a King Rattlesnake (if there is such a thing), single-handedly choke out the snake, de-venom the damn thing, and serve it up for his family.  Let's also not forget that the crib was made in China.  I wonder how many of the workers assembling the pieces of the crib were only three years out of a crib themselves!  Here in the US, however, we wrap Billy up in a catcher's protective gear, put seven extra wheels on his bicycle, and tell him to have at it...  And he looks like a wobbling idiot as he goes down the street learning nothing.

I feel I have already touched on this with Hot Beverage Warnings, but every time I see something stating the damn obvious, I die a little inside (and as a smoking beer-aholic, I need all the life I can get).  I'm sure after my kid is born, I will see more and more of these "obvious" warning labels, so stay tuned.  For now, I'm saying: Hey lawyers, f*ck you!

Do we really need...Miley Cyrus "twerking"?

You want to watch a train-wreck happen in slow motion?  Go back 6 or 7 years when Miley Cyrus played sweet little Hannah Montana and follow her career to today.  Then, look at the very young girls who look up to Miley follow her every move on this trash-train to no inhibitions.

Just look at the way Miley's sister dressed up for Halloween a year or two ago.  What the f*ck?  Far be it from me to know when to bite my tongue, but I will practice restraint on account of the fact that she is nine years old in this picture.  But again, what the f*ck?

Do younger sisters of superstars have no parents?  What father lets his nine-year old daughter dress up in the same boots that you only find in S&M movies?  Also, I thought the standard for dresses and skirts was, like an inch or two above the knee.  Granted, she has small legs (she was nine for God's sake), but the dress is more like an inch or two (more like an inch) below the waist!

I've spent too much time on Miley's younger sister, who I am willing to bet is getting into outfits now that make this look like a Brownie's uniform.  Let's get back to the Superstars Disney creates, shall we?

Apparently Miley was "twerking" some B-rated rap-star Juicy J (the only Juicy I recognize in the Hip Hop world is the song by the late Notorious BIG).  Now, I don't know what "twerking" is, but Miley makes it look like she is riding an air-d*ck.  If this is what twerking is, and if twerking is a recognizable dance, I'm afraid I'm ready to check out of this world.

Here is some edited footage:

Well, one thing's for sure: the phrase "Go white girl" does not come to mind.  Here is something that comes to mind: Where the hell is Lil' Kim in a half-dress wearing a pasty to smack some sense into this chick?  Foxy Brown?  Hell, Da Brat?  Again...  what the f*ck!

Do we really need... PC Laptops?

My laptop's battery got into the danger-zone, and the warning message we are all too familiar with opened on my screen:

It dawned on me...  is my laptop being politically correct?  What other power source must you mean, Windows?  I know, I'll do the onion/Gatorade thing - you know, where the guy charges his iPod?

  

We don't want you to feel left out.

We wouldn't want all the other power sources to feel left out, would we?  How would you feel if you were a steam-powered generator, and you knew laptops around the world weren't including you as a power source option?  I wouldn't want to live in a world that only favored the most convenient option for power-generation.  Maybe there is a species of giant hamsters...  ok, now we're just getting ridiculous, but you catch my drift.  So next time you are using your laptop and the battery nears the end of its life, make sure you consult Wikipedia's list of energy sources before walking just a couple of feet to the wall outlet.  Yeah, most houses nowadays have wall outlets every couple of feet...  but we don't want convenience to get in the way of all the other great sources of power, such as a hamster running on a wheel (I couldn't help but get that out!)

Final Analysis

Pox this politically correct crap.  If someone can legitimately find a better way to charge a laptop battery, please let me know.  Until then, Windows, just say "Plug in your f**king computer"!

Good day.

Do we really need... Pens with flashlights?

Even though I feel like I am revisiting Clocks on Appliances and Throw Pillows, I can't sit idly by while the mash-up of these two inventions continue to circulate the globe and get a free pass.  I am talking, folks, about the pen that has a flash-light built into it.

Inventing for invention's sake.

The pen is a fantastic invention.  It allows us to record our thoughts, data, or any other information that might be too important to rely on memory alone (I am lousy when it comes to remembering where a piece of paper, I had written important information on, is...  but that's my cross to bear).  The flash-light is also a great invention.  It provides light when there is only darkness.  But...  Who is the f*cking genius that thought it would be a good idea to combine an invention that requires light to use, with an invention that is only useful in the dark?  Hold on now, it would be great if the flashlight was mounted so you can write in the dark...  But no, the flashlight is on the top side of the pen.  So it doesn't even solve the problem of pens being useless in the dark!

Not to mention, these are the two inventions that are the hardest to find when you do need them.  Really, when someone asks if you have a pen, is your answer usually:  "Oh, I have one right here"?  No!  You say: I've got one somewhere, all the while rummaging through a ton of sh*t you haven't seen in ages with the faintest memory of a pen being there!  When the power goes out, is there ever a time when you say: I know where the flashlight with fully-charged batteries is!  NO!!  So why combine the f*cking two!

Final Analysis.

I love capitalism and the free-market.  But this lazy wannabe invention crap has got to end.  Let's stop ruining perfectly good inventions by strapping another equally important yet completely irrelevant invention to them.  I imagine twenty years from now I'll be writing about the convertible airplane, or lawn sprinklers with cup-holders...  yeah,  that's the world we live in.

Do we really need... Burt Wonderstone?

OK peeps:  I want to start by saying I am a huge Steven Carrel fan.  I've enjoyed most of his movies, and the parts he's played in most movies (less Anchorman.  I am not a big fan of the "idiot" role in general.  Not good comedy). 

That being said - 

After catching a commercial for his new movie: The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, I felt like there was a missed opportunity.  Here is IMDB's description:

Magician Burt Wonderstone splits from his longtime stage partner after a guerrilla street magician steals their thunder. By spending some time with his boyhood idol, Burt looks to remember what made him love magic in the first place.

I immediately thought: Why didn't Ben Stiller do this with Tony Wonder?  Tony Wonder was the best spoof of a magician since The Magician named G.O.B.!  Come on guys, I'm sure Steve Carrel did a great job, but let's put Burt Wonderstone and Tony Wonder side-by-side:

My Arrested Development homies know what I mean when I say "come on!!"  Sorry Steve, Tony Wonder takes it.  Besides, we need another good Ben Stiller flick.  I bet Will Ferrell would make a great supporting actor...  Yeah, and why didn't the makers of Wonderstone reach out to Will?  Do you really think he was that busy making Anchorman 2?!?  Again, come on!!

This is what I will never get about Hollywood.  I just created a much better movie that could've been written since 2006, and yet, we are stuck with this crap.  I doubt Burt Wonderstone will ever be as quotable of a hero like Ricky Bobby or Ron Burgundy (which he is busy trying to destroy that great name).

To finish it off, I am going to leave you with a video.  One of my favorite scenes starring Ben Stiller as Tony Wonder:

Now, how in the world will Steve Carrel compete with that?

Do we really need... The iPotty?

I rarely start off swearing, but where the f*ck are we going as a world folks?  The iPotty?  Whichever way we are going as a world, I am now convinced we have gone too far to turn around.  The iPotty is a training toilet with an iPad-dock.  Yes, a training toilet with an iPad dock.  You can't make this sh*t up!

It was first unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), and from what I understand Apple never attends (as a vendor).  See Apple?  This is what f*cking happens to your products when you don't have a presence at the Consumer Elections Show!  This is your fault!

But every moment should be a learning experience!

To the parents buying and the people constantly making this crap, you need to stop.  What will a kid get out of using an iPad while learning to take a dump, besides wanting to use the iPad every time they go into the bathroom?  Oh, and I've got some news for you...  Using the restroom is easy for you, you've been doing it all your life.  It's easy for you to pick up a magazine or a mobile device and read while you are doing "the biz"...  However, while your kid is potty-training - they are learning something - they are learning how to take a f*cking dump without getting it everywhere!  Do you really want to distract them?  The last thing you need to do is let your kid be distracted, unless you want the highlight of their life to be running a blog where they get to bitch about sh*t like the iPotty.

Look at this poor kid.  The oppressive weight of having to use the restroom with no digital entertainment is really taking a toll on him.  Little does he know, there are parents who are spendthrifts all over the country not allowing their children to deal with the same suffering as he (if that's not a commercial for first-world problems, I'm not sure what is).

From here on out we should make a rule:  You are not allowed to have any form of entertainment (magazine, book, electronic device, etc) in the restroom until you can f*cking use the restroom - from start to finish - by yourself.  That includes full operation of the door (opening, closing, locking), operating the lights, cleaning up, and flush.  Once you can do that, then you can bring your f*cking iPad in.

Final Analysis.

Sorry for the swearing folks, I don't know what came over me.  Anyways, I can't fault the creators.  Many people try to create products that fail because there is no demand in the market.  I hate to wish any ills on anyone making a product, but I am hoping there is no market for the iPotty.

Do we really need... A West / Kardashian baby?

I am pretty sure all of us have been to some public place in the past - looked around at the people occupying said place - and thought: "Gee, I hope none of these people reproduce."  Think of the last time you were at the DMV or Post Office, or maybe at a family reunion.  No matter where it was, we've all had this feeling.  If you are thinking: "I've never thought that", chances are people feel that way about you.

Very rare, however, do we feel this way when we turn on the TV.  As a kid I always hoped Zach knocked up Kelly on Saved By The Bell.  I always wanted little Kevin Arnold to put the screws to Winnie Cooper on the Wonder Years (too much?)...  However, I never, ever, ever wanted to see Kim Kardashian with child.  Throw in some Kanye West genes with the Kardashian blend?  This poor kid has no chance.

Let's talk to the fella's!

Yo Kanye, what the hell are you thinking man?  Do you know this chick holds the world record for shortest marriage ever (might not be factually correct)!  If you are going for a Jay-Z/Beyonce thing, you completely failed.  Beyonce is extremely talented.  Kim Kardashian is famous because of her parents (not sure which one) and leaking a sex-tape (which Pamela Anderson totally did first, and after that Paris Hilton...  So she just reinvented the leaked-porno-wheel), and you didn't even want to masturbate to the sex-tape...  so I hear....  No really, a friend told me that...  OK, I masturbated to her sex-tape!

That's who you want mothering your child?  To make her parents proud, all she had to do was not make a sex-tape.  That's it!  

All my single-ladies!

Well, I would throw in a little about Kanye here, but we have Chris Brown in the entertainment business.  As long as Chris Brown is around, Kanye will appear to be a semi-decent pick.  

But what about the kid!

See what I'm talking about folks?  I've dedicated a blog post to Kimye's (that reminds me, TMZ: it feels like you're forcing those now) baby and have exhausted 358 words on its incredibly self-absorbed celebrity-parents.  Let's just hope they don't spend their money like they will continue to make these sums for their entire lives, and let's hope to hell they hire some people to do a majority of the baby-raising!

Celebrity parents are usually so good at doing their jobs aren't they?  Look at Brittany over here almost dropping her baby.  You can see her carefully thinking about how to turn this into a papparazzi nip-slip for the internet tabloids!  Even her publicist behind her is in "catch the baby because this nip-slip is going to earn me some cash" mode.

Oh, and remember when Michael Jackson died?  People were either talking about the King of Pop dying, or that his death overshadowed Farrah Fawcett's death.  Nothing about Michael's poor children (one of which was held out of a hotel window Lion King style)...  Celebrity parents suck...  Even Brad and Angelina (whatever her name is) are terrible parents.  Sure, they adopt kids from impoverished nations.  But they are hording them like some weird cat-lady does cats!  Oh, and remember Dave Hasselhoff's daughter?  She recorded her drunk-ass father on the floor eating a burger.  No one does that to the Hoff!

Final analysis.

Take this baby away.  For God's sake, give Casey Anthony another shot.  Nothing can be worse than these two having a kid together.  And yes, I know Snookie has a kid.



Do we really need... Camouflage clothing?

Redneck fashion tip of the day: Camouflage matches everything (and anything).

This trend has haunted us for the past two (at least) decades, and I have finally had enough!  I'm sorry, if you aren't in a jungle with an AK-47 and need to remain hidden from people trying to kill you - you should not be wearing camouflage anything!  And the people who do actually make it out in public wearing camouflage - does their family and friends hate them?!  My wife doesn't let me leave the house unshaven, let alone dressed in anything as equally embarrassing as camouflage!

You got no legs Lt. Dan!

OK, if you go to Google Images, and search "Camouflage Redneck", you will be entertained for a rock-solid half-an-hour.  It's hilarious!  

Anyways, I often wondered if people wore camouflage in public to keep a portion of their bodies hidden from everyone else...  Camouflage does serve a purpose; Being fashionable is not one of them, so there has to be another reason people wear them.  Is there someone who wants to fight them, and at any given moment they might have to blend in with their surroundings?  There is no way wearing camouflage gets them laid, they'd have a better chance finding a mate while riding a Moped.  So what is it?!  Do they plan on scaring passer-by's?  Is there a guild of redneck ninjas and camouflage is how they remain hidden?  Yes, I am assuming only rednecks wear camouflage.  Oh, and if you are a female who is turned-on by camouflage - shame on you.  I am absolutely sure your father is wasting away in a bar somewhere, because you have been an extreme disappointment.

The animals are tricked every time!

Hunters wear camouflage.  True story.  Google it.  Why wouldn't you Google it?  I just told you to Google it!  Hunters wear camouflage so they won't be seen by the animals they are hunting (or preying, i guess would also work).  They also douse themselves in deer-urine, and sit in the same f**king spot for hours on end!  So which one is it?  This guy holding that light machine gun (yes, it is a light machine gun, heavy machine guns are mounted) has the right idea!  Just burst that mother-f**ker off into the forest and you'll be eating for a year!  No camouflage required!  I also like the fact that this hunter is basically saying: "I don't need to wear unfashionable camo in order to feed my family!"  If there are hunters in the forest that this guy is blasting in, let's hope they are wearing camouflage...  it'll keep them hidden from the bullets.

Final analysis.

Get rid of camouflage in any environment where it doesn't serve a purpose.  That is it folks.

Oh, and check out the f**king archives!

Do we really need... Instagram?

For the past couple of months (maybe years) I've been seeing more and more pictures on Facebook that appeared to have some Photoshop filters applied to them.  This whole time I've been thinking: People are starting to take their Facebook photos way too friggin serious.  Then my wife's photos started following the same trend, which finally prompted me to ask "When did you learn how to use Photoshop?"  This is when I learned about Instagram, and the whole zombie-fan-boy following it has created.

Why Instagram?

Isn't the name more appropriate for an instant-messaging service than a take-a-picture-and-apply-one-of-five-filters service (poetic license)?  And what the hell?  What used to take talent and know-how now just requires a smart-phone and certain levels of douche-baggery (poetic license)!  The levels of douche-baggery is determined by how many photos you feel the need to run through unnecessary filters.

OK, but WHY INSTAGRAM?

Do we really need Instagram to appreciate this sausage-packaging gone wrong incident?  Did we really need to blur out the background in order to get the full effect of what we are seeing here?  Quick answer, NO!  And what's worse is now I officially hate this guy, even though he would've been AOK in my book for digitally documenting this hilarious sausage blunder!  Side note:  Am I the only one surprised that it's a white guy handling a sausage that size?

Here is my problem.  Picture-capturing technology has made 1,000's of advancements since the Polaroid.  Yet now, in 2012, we take a picture with - literally - millions of pixels per inch, and then filter it to look like it was taken on a Polaroid 40 f*cking years ago! What the hell are we doing people?  Hey, I have a money-making idea!  I want to create a DVD that only holds the amount of data a 3.5" floppy disk would!  You would have enough space to save one Word document!  How retro!

OK, OK...  BUT WHY INSTAGRAM!!!? (Poetic license on the punctuation)

I do feel the need to include a photo that should be Instagram'd (verb, poetic license).  This photo should've used the filter: make this a completely different picture.  But I digress.  Why do we do this?  When did we become a culture of hipster-fads that fools us into feeling we have a unique way of "expressing our feelings creatively"?  (Pretty bold from a guy posting on Blogger, wait no - I don't use Blog-A-Gram)...

I've got news for you - you're creative posers!  The person who created Instagram was creative.  The fact that he created software that makes it easy for you to feel creative doesn't make you creative - it makes you a poser.  But I digress.  Let's first erase this picture from of our memories, and from there lets get back to posting pictures in wonderful 12 megapixels (does that technology exist?  If not, poetic license!)  Should punctuation go inside or outside of parenthesis?  Just in case, here is another (poetic license)

Final Analysis

Let's go back to the time when graphic artists were paid to make a photo look old, or black and white, or look like a completely different photo.  Let's stop adding filters to every f*cking picture that is uploaded to Facebook, and let's tell Instagram that we are no-longer fan-boys.  Creativity is a wonderful thing, let's stop riding the coattails of other's creativeness!

Do we really need... Breastaurants?

Restaurants with waitresses prancing around half-nude is not a new idea.  Hooters may have been the pioneers of these classless eateries (seriously, try to imagine yourself eating a Filet Mignon at Hooters...  seriously), but like everything else in the United States, other people copied the idea and stripped it of whatever class it might've been clinging onto.

I'm in it for the money!

First, let me just say this: I love that we live in a world in which a woman can throw out her ambitions and use her body as a money-maker.  I am embarrassed to admit that it would take hours on end to count the amount of sleazy places I have found myself in.  That being said, none of those places have ever involved me ingesting a meal!  Are you getting the places I am talking about yet?  Strip clubs!  Wait, whose idea was it to combine naked women who are off-limits and alcohol?  Yeah, nothing can ever go wrong there...  not at all.  And they have classy ones with buffets, gross.  Who wants to eat that shit?  But I digress.  Have you ever been to one of these breastaurants?  My boss took me out to one to discuss business.  There were many awkward moments where neither of us wanted to make it seem we were more into the "scenery" than our discussion...  and it took thinking of Oprah (the fat one) and football to even be physically able to stand up (think about it)!  It was too much stress to endure just to eat some friggin saurkraut and sausage!  HEY, F**K YOU BREASTAURANTS!

Final analysis.

Let's stop objectifying women as a means to make money...  on second thought, let's not.  But let's not combine the wonderful experience of eating out (double entendre?  You decide!) with sleaze.  It may just be me, but I think dining out should still be somewhat classy in an arguably classless world.