Do we really need... Beer bottle/can innovations?

Allow me to preface this with the fact that I am a professional drinker.  I was a bartender for several years, and  considered my drinking as "market research".  Now that I am no longer a bartender, my drinking has become more of an "ongoing study"...  Either way, I do it for the people, don't criticize my research!

We need to change this!


It would be impossible to catalog the amount of times I was hanging with my friends drinking beer, and we collectively discussed how our beer-to-liver delivery system needed innovations.  Why would it be impossible to catalog?  These discussions NEVER happen.  Drunks all around the world have been using ingenuity to make the process of drinking faster and more effective.  If a beer company really wanted to be innovative, all they would have to do is include a disposable beer-funnel with every 12 pack.  Or include an icepick so we can pop a hole and shotgun every beer.

Why do beer companies think their innovation will get us to change our brand?  Coors Light started the "blue mountain means you have a cold beer" thing.  Do you know how I make sure my beer is cold?  I touch it.  I feel it.  The nerves in my fingertips pass some information on to my brain and my brain responds accordingly.  My need for beer will determine the way I react to that information.

Miller lite, you are the biggest culprit.


The wide-mouth can was by far the best innovation.  The problem with the beer industry, is they didn't realize that was the end.  Fire your scientists and stop your research, they are driving the cost of my beer upwards, needlessly.  You might have noticed I didn't jump onto Miller Lite immediately...  it's coming.

Miller Lite has been making ridiculous "innovations", one after the other, for years now.  We don't need the 16oz aluminum can-bottle.  We don't need the vortex long-neck.  We don't need the push-top can.  And you certainly are doing a horrible job at making your target consumer forget, that at the end of the day, they are still drinking Miller Lite.  Oh, and whatever company started the 8oz ponies?  Very counter productive.  Who the hell wants to drink beer 8oz's at a time?  Well, I would if a 12oz or 16oz version wasn't available.

Final analysis.


Beer companies, stick to what you do...  making beer and really funny commercials.  Leave the ways we consume your product up to us.  Oh, and also, you should put reminders on your cans that if we save the empties and bring them to a scrap yard, we could get some money for it.  It would be nice to recoup some money, considering my 12 packs aren't a great investment!