Do we really need... Camouflage clothing?

Redneck fashion tip of the day: Camouflage matches everything (and anything).

This trend has haunted us for the past two (at least) decades, and I have finally had enough!  I'm sorry, if you aren't in a jungle with an AK-47 and need to remain hidden from people trying to kill you - you should not be wearing camouflage anything!  And the people who do actually make it out in public wearing camouflage - does their family and friends hate them?!  My wife doesn't let me leave the house unshaven, let alone dressed in anything as equally embarrassing as camouflage!

You got no legs Lt. Dan!

OK, if you go to Google Images, and search "Camouflage Redneck", you will be entertained for a rock-solid half-an-hour.  It's hilarious!  

Anyways, I often wondered if people wore camouflage in public to keep a portion of their bodies hidden from everyone else...  Camouflage does serve a purpose; Being fashionable is not one of them, so there has to be another reason people wear them.  Is there someone who wants to fight them, and at any given moment they might have to blend in with their surroundings?  There is no way wearing camouflage gets them laid, they'd have a better chance finding a mate while riding a Moped.  So what is it?!  Do they plan on scaring passer-by's?  Is there a guild of redneck ninjas and camouflage is how they remain hidden?  Yes, I am assuming only rednecks wear camouflage.  Oh, and if you are a female who is turned-on by camouflage - shame on you.  I am absolutely sure your father is wasting away in a bar somewhere, because you have been an extreme disappointment.

The animals are tricked every time!

Hunters wear camouflage.  True story.  Google it.  Why wouldn't you Google it?  I just told you to Google it!  Hunters wear camouflage so they won't be seen by the animals they are hunting (or preying, i guess would also work).  They also douse themselves in deer-urine, and sit in the same f**king spot for hours on end!  So which one is it?  This guy holding that light machine gun (yes, it is a light machine gun, heavy machine guns are mounted) has the right idea!  Just burst that mother-f**ker off into the forest and you'll be eating for a year!  No camouflage required!  I also like the fact that this hunter is basically saying: "I don't need to wear unfashionable camo in order to feed my family!"  If there are hunters in the forest that this guy is blasting in, let's hope they are wearing camouflage...  it'll keep them hidden from the bullets.

Final analysis.

Get rid of camouflage in any environment where it doesn't serve a purpose.  That is it folks.

Oh, and check out the f**king archives!

Do we really need... Instagram?

For the past couple of months (maybe years) I've been seeing more and more pictures on Facebook that appeared to have some Photoshop filters applied to them.  This whole time I've been thinking: People are starting to take their Facebook photos way too friggin serious.  Then my wife's photos started following the same trend, which finally prompted me to ask "When did you learn how to use Photoshop?"  This is when I learned about Instagram, and the whole zombie-fan-boy following it has created.

Why Instagram?

Isn't the name more appropriate for an instant-messaging service than a take-a-picture-and-apply-one-of-five-filters service (poetic license)?  And what the hell?  What used to take talent and know-how now just requires a smart-phone and certain levels of douche-baggery (poetic license)!  The levels of douche-baggery is determined by how many photos you feel the need to run through unnecessary filters.

OK, but WHY INSTAGRAM?

Do we really need Instagram to appreciate this sausage-packaging gone wrong incident?  Did we really need to blur out the background in order to get the full effect of what we are seeing here?  Quick answer, NO!  And what's worse is now I officially hate this guy, even though he would've been AOK in my book for digitally documenting this hilarious sausage blunder!  Side note:  Am I the only one surprised that it's a white guy handling a sausage that size?

Here is my problem.  Picture-capturing technology has made 1,000's of advancements since the Polaroid.  Yet now, in 2012, we take a picture with - literally - millions of pixels per inch, and then filter it to look like it was taken on a Polaroid 40 f*cking years ago! What the hell are we doing people?  Hey, I have a money-making idea!  I want to create a DVD that only holds the amount of data a 3.5" floppy disk would!  You would have enough space to save one Word document!  How retro!

OK, OK...  BUT WHY INSTAGRAM!!!? (Poetic license on the punctuation)

I do feel the need to include a photo that should be Instagram'd (verb, poetic license).  This photo should've used the filter: make this a completely different picture.  But I digress.  Why do we do this?  When did we become a culture of hipster-fads that fools us into feeling we have a unique way of "expressing our feelings creatively"?  (Pretty bold from a guy posting on Blogger, wait no - I don't use Blog-A-Gram)...

I've got news for you - you're creative posers!  The person who created Instagram was creative.  The fact that he created software that makes it easy for you to feel creative doesn't make you creative - it makes you a poser.  But I digress.  Let's first erase this picture from of our memories, and from there lets get back to posting pictures in wonderful 12 megapixels (does that technology exist?  If not, poetic license!)  Should punctuation go inside or outside of parenthesis?  Just in case, here is another (poetic license)

Final Analysis

Let's go back to the time when graphic artists were paid to make a photo look old, or black and white, or look like a completely different photo.  Let's stop adding filters to every f*cking picture that is uploaded to Facebook, and let's tell Instagram that we are no-longer fan-boys.  Creativity is a wonderful thing, let's stop riding the coattails of other's creativeness!

Do we really need... Breastaurants?

Restaurants with waitresses prancing around half-nude is not a new idea.  Hooters may have been the pioneers of these classless eateries (seriously, try to imagine yourself eating a Filet Mignon at Hooters...  seriously), but like everything else in the United States, other people copied the idea and stripped it of whatever class it might've been clinging onto.

I'm in it for the money!

First, let me just say this: I love that we live in a world in which a woman can throw out her ambitions and use her body as a money-maker.  I am embarrassed to admit that it would take hours on end to count the amount of sleazy places I have found myself in.  That being said, none of those places have ever involved me ingesting a meal!  Are you getting the places I am talking about yet?  Strip clubs!  Wait, whose idea was it to combine naked women who are off-limits and alcohol?  Yeah, nothing can ever go wrong there...  not at all.  And they have classy ones with buffets, gross.  Who wants to eat that shit?  But I digress.  Have you ever been to one of these breastaurants?  My boss took me out to one to discuss business.  There were many awkward moments where neither of us wanted to make it seem we were more into the "scenery" than our discussion...  and it took thinking of Oprah (the fat one) and football to even be physically able to stand up (think about it)!  It was too much stress to endure just to eat some friggin saurkraut and sausage!  HEY, F**K YOU BREASTAURANTS!

Final analysis.

Let's stop objectifying women as a means to make money...  on second thought, let's not.  But let's not combine the wonderful experience of eating out (double entendre?  You decide!) with sleaze.  It may just be me, but I think dining out should still be somewhat classy in an arguably classless world.

Do we really need presents: The Dumb Signs Addition!

Ahhh signs...  They are such valuable objects that can pass on valuable information that assists us when we are on the road, when we are shopping, when we are going out to eat, and even when we are washing our hands!  However, there is only so much information that can be passed on by these things, and anything beyond that becomes down-right ridiculous!

No parking/stopping on tracks.

Really?  Do we really need to be reminded to not park/stop on the system that allows thousands of tons of steel to travel at 50mph +?  What kind of idiot gets half-way across train tracks and says: "Rockstar parking!" and gets out?  And I'm sorry, if you are stupid enough to stop on train-tracks while waiting for a light to turn green, you probably deserve to have your life ended by 1,000's of tons of steel suddenly occupying the space that you once held.  Now, the train could possibly derail and take innocent lives, so I really don't secretly wish a train destroys you and your car...  however, if this sign was ever beneficial to you, do us all a favor - plug in your toaster and fish out the loose bread-crumbs with a butter-knife.  Thank you in advance.

Water on road...  during RAIN?!?

What??  I'm sure most of us can appreciate the message this sign is attempting to convey: "Road may flood"...  boom.  I was able to get the message across using half the words, and without making an entire county look like complete ass-hats.  Water on road during rain?!?  For holy f*ck's sake, on most of the roads I travel, the rain simply disappears before ever touching the roads surface...  On the other roads, the rain isn't made up of water...  Either the creator of this sign took the "cats and dogs" phrase too literally, or this was a poor Spanish-to-English translation.  Either way, if this sign ever made you say "Oh, thanks for the information", please grab a buddy and go sky-diving.  Take one parachute with you.  Refuse to do a tandem-jump, and insist your friend use the parachute.  Thank you in advance.

Sidewalk ends.

For years I have taken advantage of these concrete surfaces known as "sidewalks".  I find it strange how soft things feel nice underneath your feet, yet when you are walking a good hard surface does the trick.  However, too many times have I been taking in a good walk, and suddenly it goes south.  Grass, or any other non-paved surface sneaks its way in and suddenly I have to navigate uneven terrain!  If only I've had some warning!  If you were able to relate to my last three sentences,  please move to North Korea and start a blog about how terrible Kim Jong-un is as a leader, and also spread rumors that his father Kim Jong-il, was gay.  Thank you in advance.

Don't park here...  Unless you are in an automobile!

Yeah, there will be no: "please commit suicide" after this entry.  This sign just baffles me.  Generally, areas to park a bicycle are equipped with a bike-rack...  I can hardly imagine being able to fit an automobile in a bike-rack.  Actually, is there not an object that assists with the parking of any other non-automobile  object?  You can even park yourself...  but that requires a park-bench!!  I wish I knew where this sign came from.  There is obviously an epidemic happening involving people parking things that aren't motorized, and the picture just leaves more to question than it does answer!  What are people parking in these spaces that aren't automobiles?!?  I would speculate, but that would require an entirely different blog...  I will say, if this sign has ever made you say: "Oh, damn"...  please, buy yourself some SCUBA gear.  Book yourself a cruise.  Half-way through the cruise equip yourself with the SCUBA gear, and jump off the back of the ship (don't tell anybody what you are doing).  Swim toward the ocean-floor, and don't attempt to resurface until you have completely run out of oxygen.  (So, I lied at the beginning...  sorry)

Sign...  wait, what?

Sign not in use!?  There is a sign that says: "Sign not in use"?!?  WHAT!!    Isn't the sign being used?  I don't get it.  However, this is a great sign to end this blog with, because now I am incredibly pissed.  Thank you, useless sign, for re-enforcing my alcoholism for yet another day.  If this sign ever made you say: "Oh, well they should go and use that"...  you know what?  Just f*cking kill yourself.

Final Analysis.

Signs, I guess like everything else, have been completely abused and over-used.  There is some information that should be common-sense.  Common-sense has become much less common, so we need to let Darwinism really do its job.  I suggest we stop abusing the poor signs and let the chips fall where they may.

Do we really need... National Coffee Day?

Well folks, you may think today is merely September 29th, 2012.  What you may not know is that September 29th is observed as "National Coffee Day"!!  Today is the day where we have a moment of silence for the wonderful innovation of the crushed coffee bean with hot water slowly run through it.  I had an extra minute for the person who discovered how wonderful coffee is with some coffee creamer in it.  See how wonderful coffee is?  It opened a whole new market for shit to be put into your coffee.  

So today, put the decaf on the shelf, forget about any long-term damage that may be done to your heart from ingesting too much caffeine, and chug back as much Columbian coffee as your body can possibly handle.  I know I have - my hands are shaking like hell as I type this!

Coffee, who are you anymore?

There comes a point in life, when you have to look closely to realize you have tried to fix something so much you end up breaking it.  What the f**k has our world done to coffee?  Coffee was perfect until shitty Starbucks got their hands on it.  Seriously, have you ever gone to Starbucks and tried to order just a plain coffee?  The barista looks at you like you're the biggest asshole in the world - I mean, with all of that frothy milk and syrup...  you just want coffee?  You are such an asshole, with a capital DICK.  

Macchiato, Mochacino, Americano, Caramel Latte, Cappucino, and a whole slew of other made up coffee drinks makes it hard to keep up.  But, just listing them makes me want to put on a beret and type up a blog on my Macbook on the patio at Starbucks.  Everybody will look at me and think I am writing a screenplay, or some really deep poetry.  Girls will look and think I am sensitive, and want to make small-talk.  Guys will look and think I am confident because I had the balls to leave the house in a beret...  or they'll think I'm gay.

Final Analysis.

Just drink your coffee and shut up.  Drink it however you enjoy it.  Don't observe this ridiculous "holiday"...  I've been drinking coffee for almost 20 years now, and never once did I take a moment to appreciate its existence.  Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm vain, I couldn't tell you.  I'm too self-absorbed to worry about your feelings anyway.  Celebrating coffee will take away from real holidays, like Super-Bowl Sunday...  Now that's a holiday worth celebrating.

Do we really need... Invigorating face-wash?

During a shower a few days ago, something really pissed me off.  For a change, it wasn't the water pressure; It was an adjective used to describe the face wash I've used for quite some time now.

Invigorating.

What the hell Neutrogena?  I get what you are going for.  You want to create the image that after washing your face with their product you will feel energized... but really?  I've got news for you Neutrogena, I can just rub luke-warm water into my face in the morning and feel energized...  That doesn't make my hands, or my water, invigorating.  Now, you get me a face-wash with : "I clean your face, Mother F*cker!" Printed on it, and I will buy that shit by the case!  But instead, Neutrogena had to hire  a couple of marketing-majored-numbskulls to sit around a room thinking of some new face-wash-bottle designs.  Three months and $18,000 later, this is what they have come up with.

I feel it is also a huge disrespect to the English language.  Invigorate is such a cool word, isn't it?  I'm almost glad the title of the blog includes the word "invigorate" because I get to center the blog around it, and completely abuse it via over-use.  Sky-diving is invigorating.  Whitewater rafting is invigorating.  Hell, I am sure the running of the bulls is pretty f*cking invigorating - so when taking into account all of these awesomely invigorating activities, how the hell does Neutrogena have the balls to throw face-washing into the mix?

Marketing students - change your major.

Is it me, or is the quality of marketing talent being sculpted by our universities double-bogey at best (golf reference, sub-par can be interpreted as a "bogey", I wanted to drive the point home that the talent is in fact worse than just a bogey)...  Like those commercials that come out during football season, that awkwardly reference football:

We will give your team home-field advantage, so when it's

the two minute warning, we will get you to the red-zone

so you can score a touchdown.

Oh how I hate you - person in charge of marketing for <insert company name here>.  A few months back I had blogged about those ridiculous prescription pill commercials.  If I had the benefit of hindsight, I would've realized no single industry had shitty marketing cornered.

Final analysis.

OK marketing professionals (somehow, this blog segued from face-wash to marketing in general), here is the skinny.  When you tell me a product is "So easy a child can do it." and I have problems assembling it, you make me feel dumb and I hate you.  Stop.  Don't insist that I "don't want to be left behind", because no one wants to be a follower.  No one believes your product is "hassle-free."  OH, and when you run a commercial for a kitchen knife, don't tell me the knife retails for $79.99, just to immediately drop it down to $19.99, then throw in another knife exactly like it, then add a carrying-case made out of baby-hair and a cutting-board made out of Unicorn-horn... Is the knife made for $.02 by little Indonesian children?

Your product is probably not invigorating, exhilarating, exciting, breath-taking (funny, they never marketed cigarettes as such), appealing, handy, reliable, or something I cannot live without.  Please, stop with this nonsense.  At the end of the day, the end user will decide exactly what adjectives properly describe the use of your product.  

Do we really need... Campaign ads?

Well, another campaign season is upon us, and it is time for Americans to decide what candidate is right for them.  It is also the time of year when we stop posting pictures of dinners we've cooked, cute cats, and status updates like: "Uhh, I woke up tired" on Facebook...  They are all politic-related now.  God how I wish the days back when I could care less if you didn't feel like going to work today!

I can't watch one damn game of football without hearing how Romney wants to kill old people and tax the middle class to death, or hearing that Obama is a socialist Muslim who wasn't born in the United States...  Hey campaign-ad creators: Shut the hell up!  When I see Hakeem Nicks catch a pass in the end-zone for a touchdown, I don't want you ruining my day by buying ad-space (which Coors Light should rightfully have, they make the best commercials) and informing me about the other guy!  Talk about your guy!

My policy is, don't vote for that guy!

*Screen fades in*

"Mitt Romney has herpes.  He once killed a woman with cancer.  Yes, Mitt Romney gives people cancer.  He strapped a dog to the roof of his car.  He once told a gay man he was gay.  Do you want a herpes riddled, cancer-giving, dog-strapping, gay-informing  Mormon running your country?  Vote Obama"

Oh my God (OMG is you were born later than 1992), I will never vote for that guy! Obviously that was a fabrication of a campaign ad, but they are equally ridiculous!  Evidence that these ads sway votes will make me lose complete faith in our democracy, so I'll do no research for that evidence.  I have a hunch that they do actually work.

*Law and Order gavel sound*

"Barrack Obama was born in Kenya.  He eats dogs.  He is a communist who will stop at no means to destroy capitalism.  Obama has herpes and told a gay man about it.  Do you want a foreign, dog-eating communist, socialism-loving, herpes-carrying gay-consoling President to become President again?  Vote Romney"

Is it me, or does everyone running for public office have herpes?  They really need to practice safe-sex over in Washington...  Or not...

On your mark... get set...  LIE!

Aye, there's the rub.  You would have an easier time convincing me that the TV series Lost was a factual documentary, than convincing me that anything said in a campaign ad is not a complete fabrication of the truth.

Here is the biggest irk of them all.  The f*cking money being thrown at these things!  Hey, instead of spending millions creating false ad's against your opponent, spend them to fund the printing of a book titled, I don't know (IDK if you were born after 1992), "Do we really need... this book?"  How that wouldn't benefit society is beyond me.  We should at least try and see.

Every couple of years we allow these things to destroy our already-destroyed television entertainment (thank you MTV, for making TV suck)...  Yet we just live on.  Are we cynical to the point where we believe we aren't paying attention?  I don't know about you, but I am torn between a man who straps dogs to cars and a man who eats them...  I wonder: in which scenario did the dog suffer the least?  And what if it was the same dog?  Poor thing.

Final analysis.

Stop spending campaign finances on this shit.  Actually, donate campaign donations back to the people who donated them to you (Three variations of "donate" in the same sentence...  I'm impressed).  I find it hard to believe this waste of dollars is helping the economy...  "Oh, but filmmakers are getting jobs" you say.  Well, if the people making campaign ads were any good, they wouldn't be making campaign ads... would they?

Do we really need... Food police?

Well...  I regret to say the news has been confirmed.  If you now live in New York City, your beverage intake is going to be reduced to 16oz's.  Serves you right.  It's drinking those 32oz sodas that has made you the fat ass you are.  It was your inability to control your "sugary beverage" intake, and you forced Mayor Bloomberg to take action...  besides, he has to look at you...  every last bit of you.

I'll have a diet coke please.

We all know the joke about the fat chick that goes into McDonald's and orders: A super-sized #1, two double cheeseburgers, a sundae, and a super-healthy diet coke.  I guess her logic is the diet coke will vouch for the rest of the food when it gets into her digestive tract and give her a free pass - Oh, the burgers and ice-cream are with me - if you will.

But seriously, I am sure there is about 300 deli's in a four-mile radius where you can get an obscenely huge sandwich with an assortment of fried crap piled on it.  In what universe does a 16oz soda make an adequate companion to an artery-clogging fat-sandwich?  16oz's is barely enough to wash down 1/4 of this bad-boy.  Or is this population control?  Is Mayor Bloomberg hoping people start choking on fat-sandwiches to death?  New York City is pretty crowded, I'm leaving that speculation on the table for now.  Either way, banning beverage size really doesn't make it seem like Bloomberg is fully committed to making New York City (I think I am just going to use NYC from here on out) healthier.  Or, like most other politicians - he started righting legislation, had an ADD moment, and got busy with something else.  Then three weeks later, he sees the half-written piece of law laying on his desk and had forgotten it wasn't finished, and rammed it through.

Let's make NYC healthy!

OK, I'll help you Mr. Bloomberg.  First, make subway tickets $2,000 a piece so people are forced to walk.  This would give the streets a nice amount of background entertainment because subway performers would be forced to perform in the streets.  Since they will have less need for subway operators, their job will be changed to heckling overweight people walking...  hopefully that will inspire them to get on Craigslist and find a used treadmill.  Oh, and all cabs will be turned into tandem bicycles.  Every passenger will have to pitch in and peddle their own weight.

Fast-food restaurants will serve nothing but apples.  If that is too aggressive, then at least give restaurants the authority to police their own guests.  "No you will not get a #1 and a double cheeseburger", "I'm sorry, you've had all of the bread we think you need", and "I'm sorry, 2 refills is plenty"...  Of course there will be some political correctness back-lash, but Bloomberg: we are talking about people's health here!

Impose a new tax.  This tax will be called "The NYC Marathon Tax" which, by law, you have to participate in the NYC Marathon if you are a resident.

Now, if you really cared about people's health and well-being, this framework sounds like a much better start.  If someone reading this either knows Mr. Bloomberg personally, or at least knows his E-Mail address, do the residents of NYC a favor and send him a link to this website immediately.  NYC is in crisis mode, and I'm here to help.

Final Analysis.

Let's stop pushing ridiculous legislation down peoples' throats under the guise of knowing what is best for us.  And if you really do believe your laws are geared to help people get/stay healthy, at least make sure they make sense for God's sake!  At the end of the day, I think we can deal without food police!

What we need... Dining out for Dummies: Part 2!

Maybe I am just pissed because it was another long day at work, I was on my feet all day, and I am now borderline drunk.  However, in just one day several guests at the restaurant pissed me the f*ck off, and it is now time for another installment of What We Need!

I will have another Do We Really Need soon...  One's already planned.  I just can't believe I was serving so many disrespectful assholes today...  I had the kind of day that makes you want to get on your laptop and write...  These f*cking pricks are still making me work (sike, I enjoy writing...  I don't consider this work)!

"How are you?"...  "I'm coke"

OK, when a server approaches your table and sets beverage napkins on the table, they are doing more than preparing a nice soft place for your drink to land.  First, the beverage napkins are a signal to the rest of the staff that you have been "greeted".  They (the server) are/is also there to deliver a friendly welcome and pass on some valid information.  Most restaurants have featured items and it is up to the server to inform you of them.  My point is: When the server approaches your table and speaks words, chances are, the proper response to those initial words are not your drink order!  I am almost 100% certain that your server will start with "How are you folks doing tonight?"  (or some rendition)...  What universe recognizes "I'll have a coke" as the proper response to that question?  When the server approaches your table, shut the f*ck up until you are asked a question!

We encourage wandering!

When navigating the restaurant, please take your time.  There couldn't possibly be food runners and staffers attempting to briskly move passed you! Not at all.  Please sir...  take all the f*cking time you need... really, take all the time in the world.  That was sarcasm.  When you dine in restaurant-land, your time is not nearly as important as the time being watched by those of us working in restaurant-land.  So please be aware of your surroundings!  Your slow walk is holding up traffic, guests need their damn food!  Or, whatever the hell else they are waiting on!  The point is this: those nifty aisles that the table-layout creates are mainly for the staff.  We have no problem with you using them...  But please be aware of what is going on around you.  Oh, and when we give you the right-of-way, the words we are saying are: "After you sir", what we really mean is: "Hurry up and get the hell out of my way."

I pay all of my bills with compliments.

I remember one month several years ago, I was a bit behind on the electric bill.  I called Duke Energy, and spoke with someone in customer service.  I informed them that, yes I was behind on my payment - but I am a really good server, and I should be forgiven of the debt.  They didn't seem to care too much.

I guess some people don't realize that servers earn their money almost entirely in tips.  I am not going to explain how our cushy $2.13/hr salary really only helps pay our income taxes on the tips we claim...  yes, servers do pay taxes.  Anyways, leaving two measly dollars on $79, as pictured to the left, is never acceptable.  To add insult to injury, when these guests sat down at the table, they pitched a douche-tent, laid train tracks to douche-ville, and escorted the mayor to their Woodstock version of douche-fest.

That reminds me.  Go ahead and be an asshole to your server.  It shows off your ignorance to the fact that they control your food before you get it.  I am not suggesting that anyone would tamper with your food, but I am sure there are servers out there who have little respect for their job, and their restaurant.  You're the idiot for taking that chance.

It's all about etiquette.

Maybe that's what all of this boils down to.  Being a respectful person, and understanding the fact that your server isn't there to take care of you solely for pleasure.  Hopefully this has fulfilled my need to write about dining out, and I can get back to writing about completely useless shit. 

What we need... Dining Out For Dummies: The Book!

Time for another installment of What we need folks!

I follow a blog named: The Bitchy Waiter, and recently he had an excellent response to another article some tech journalist wrote named: 10 Rules for Restaurants.  Why a tech-journalist is writing about restaurants is far beyond me.  He did, however, jerk an emotion that I have been feeling for some time. There are so many people trying to improve the dining system that have no f*cking clue how a restaurant even operates!  Maybe I can give this asshole a few pointers on writing about technology. See how he likes it.

I am not going to attempt to write a book in a blog.  I am too tired, seeing I had to work tonight in my dysfunctional restaurant.  If only our owner had the smarts to hire a tech-blogger to really get us working right, I'd have more energy to write an entire f*cking book.

Get off the damn phone...  you may proceed!

Yeah folks, we in the service industry understand that since the tender age of 4 (or younger), you've had a phone strapped to your damn ear.  We are also aware of the fact, that you probably know the times it is inappropriate to be on one... say, when you are talking to a person face to face.  Seeing as you are going to be interacting with live people, get off of your f*cking phone!  From the hostess, to the servers, to the managers; You'd be hard pressed to find one employee of the restaurant who would give a shit if the President of the U.S. was on the other end.  Hang up, enter the restaurant.  Oh, and unless it is a place where you order food at a counter from a cashier, don't just sit yourself down anywhere (well, bar being the exception)...  Wait for someone to PUT you somewhere.  All while not talking on your phone.  

That reminds me - in ALL cases, you are being sat in a specific area for a specific reason.  The reason is the server manning that section is next in the rotation.  You can (within reason) sit anywhere within the confines of that servers section.  If the table you were selected to dine at doesn't seem to suit your needs, ask for another - in that same server's section...  Interfering with the rotation doesn't always throw a wrench in the cog, but it sure as hell can!  You can be home for an hour and the restaurant can still be crashing and burning because the table over there, the exact same f*cking table you were asked to sit at here, seemed better for you at the time.

It's not always about the guest.

Sure it is! you say.  Well, yes.  Our guests are the reason everyone working in the restaurant can afford to eat, so it is mainly about you...  but not always.  We would all love to talk to you, and sure, you are obviously the most interesting person in the world, but we have shit to do.  The only thing we have in common with strippers is that we earn tips...  that's where it ends.  We are not here to perform for you, and quite frankly the only reason we listen to your irrelevant stories is because, unlike strippers, we have to be polite.

Oh, that reminds me.  If you leave your table looking like your kid's room, you are an asshole and I hate you.  Don't mistake that with me suggesting you have to clean the whole table up yourself.  Absolutely not.  It is part of our job, and we have no problem doing it.  But don't let your shitty whining kid tear apart the sugar-caddy, don't drop your napkin and f*cking leave it (there is not always time to sweep before the next table, and in all fairness, you saw the napkin drop first!), don't just leave your sugar packets scattered around.  If you have some trash for us to throw away, no problem.  But put somewhere on the table where we can easily grab it without having to reach across you.  People say reaching is rude...  I say people who make my job harder are rude.

Stop with the various jokes for "I'm full", "I've had too much to drink", and all check-related jokes.  You are now the least creative person I know, and the second-to-least is the guest that just left my section (see how that works?)  We've heard them all before, all of them... so please, stop.  Chances are, we wish you would float (away), explode, or be wheel-barreled away (30 friggin minutes ago).

I'm allergic to that.

If you do not have an allergy to a food item, don't claim to be allergic just because you don't like it!  Chances are, your server cares very little about your allergy anyway.  We do, however, care that your food comes as you requested (well, if you do have an allergy, it doesn't hurt to be safe).  People ask me time and time again to be sure no onions come with their meal.  Only to then smother their meal with a sauce that is made with like, 10,000 onions!  I'm not trying to say that your server doesn't care about your allergy, but to assume you'll get some sort of special attention because you made up some false allergy is ridiculous!  Order your food.  Your server wants it to come out right.  If it doesn't, send it back.

Where to go from here?

Will the possibility of this book ever come to be?  Who knows.  I do know it is quite necessary.  From ordering another drink when your drink is still half-full, to how to tip when you come in with a f*cking coupon, there is a lot more to be addressed...  oh, and tipping with change is never acceptable.

I was really only ranting about a few of the things that have happened to me within the last three shifts that I worked.  I am certain these issues will continually go on unnoticed by guests all across the country.

Do we really need... A Military cover of "Call Me Maybe"?

Let me quickly get this out of the way:

Real talk...  I have nothing but respect and adoration for our military men and women, and thank every service man and woman I see either in uniform, or wearing gear with the word "vet" on it...  Real talk.

Real talk?

Yeah, I see my friend Lou using the phrase when he wants to say something serious.  However, I am not sure if you are supposed to use it before or after the "talk" you want to be "real", therefore, to get my point across, I chose both...  I would also shamelessly plug his blog right about now, but he quit working on it back in June...

Anyway, let's tear into this monstrosity!

A morale booster?

If you haven't seen it yet, you can always click here...  (Yeah, there is an advertisement.  Everyone is trying to make a friggin buck on the internet these days (click my sponsers)).  I guess some of the service members were down in the dumps, which prompted a group of them to get together and make a music video!  Sounds fun right?  Yes, if you are a company doing some team-building exercise, but our military?

Again, I am not knocking them for wanting to have a good time and boost morale, but use some discretion!  The rest of the world is already laughing at us making that God-awful song a hit in the first place, now we have members of the strongest military on the planet giving it even more f*cking attention!  Full disclosure: this blog should've been titled "Do we really need...  'Call Me Maybe'".  But then this video was posted to my Facebook, and here we are.  I thought the point of our military was to scare other countries into respecting the shit out of us?  Maybe I would've enjoyed it more if they at least had gotten "Jiggy Wit It", or "Bust"'ed "a Move"...  but "Call Me Maybe"?  Now, it would've been best if they performed one of those good dis-tracks by Tupac, and replaced all references to Biggie with the names of other countries.  Yeah, I'm going to have sex with Sweden's wife...  or something.

What do other countries do?

Well, I am sure we can take a look at other countries to see what their military's do to boost morale...  China?  I'm sure China doesn't give a flying shit if their military is happy.  As long as they know how to do everything except for land a plane.  Canada?  LOL...  England?  Again, LOL...  So where can we look?  Iraq?  I will not post a picture of what the Iraqi military does to boost morale - less some foul language, I like to maintain a family friendly blog.  I will provide a link to a video in case you would like to see it, here.  If you don't want to see it, it is an Iraqi soldier hammering knives into his skull with a rock.  You are now either glad you didn't click, wishing you didn't click, or now ready to click (I guess there really are no other possibilities).

Oh, come on!  It is ridiculous to think I am suggesting our brave young men and women start hammering knives into their skulls...  However, it would be cool if they did something a little tougher than a "Call Me Maybe" cover video.  Imagine if Osama Bin Laden recognized one of the SEALS from the video before they capped him, we wouldn't want him having that satisfaction right before he died!

What do we do?

Well, certainly not a "Call Me Maybe" cover, or anything by the Spice Girls, or that one really sad chick with the power-voice...  Miley something-or-other maybe?  If we continue down this path before you know it we'll have an arts and crafts class for our soldiers.  That can't be something anyone thinks is a good idea.

If you want to do a music video, do one of an old rap song when the music was a 24/7 murder fest.  Or, compile a video of guys taking a bunch of nut-shots.  If you do the nut-shots video, after you get out of the military, you'll be rich like the Jackass guys!

Do we really need... Rascals for fat people?

If you are overweight, OK...  It happens.  Exercise more often and eat better (or, move more and eat less) and you will be able to navigate this world using your own two (tired) legs.  When did this become unacceptable?  I can understand giving a rascal to those who defended our country and lost their legs...  but to give a motorized wheel-chair to the people who can't feel (or see) their legs because of their weight?  We are stretching this one a bit folks!

I was born this way.

I am not going to jump all over the fat people in this country (as fun as a fat-person trampoline might sound)...  at the same time, I am not going to redistribute the blame to food dispensaries that made your lust for gluttony a convenience!

While Perez Hilton is getting buff, there is a grave injustice happening to Michael Moore.  While the man blasts capitalism, he is abusing the very system that created the unit that allows him to get around on a day-to-day basis!  Just look at the picture of him on the left. I wonder if his next documentary will be on the structural integrity of the Rascal... and how his fellow white people have ruined that as well.

I kid Michael Moore, I know he will never create a documentary based on facts...  Let's keep going, shall we?

Why the hell are the morbidly obese given an exemption from using their arms?  To me, it seems we would want to encourage them to exercise at least one part of their body!  We are just supposed to cater to their desire of continuing their path of being "morbidly obese"?  I am sure this guy's body has swallowed his penis...  Foreskin and all.  Who cares right?  As long as the entrances to McDonalds have the double-doors that he can fit through, no need to lose weight...  right?

Intolerant bastard, it's a health risk!

Full disclosure - I am a functioning alcoholic.  I drink a ton.  Even worse, I joke about women, the sick, the disabled, blacks, polish, afghans, whites, children, and every other group I can get my hands on...  That being said, I find it very difficult to make fun of this chick.  However, the photograph does beg the question: "Why are you still eating?"

Fuller disclosure - I am going to make fun of her anyway.  Notice the picture shows her completely ignoring the fruit on her right, while she indulges into the plate of fried stuff.  Also, notice the camera-man doesn't seem to care.  Does he find over-sized women wearing teal pool-covers attractive?  Is he even more attracted to them during their quest to pile on more body-mass?  Probably.  Even her poor bracelet's tensile strength is being tested by her meaty wrist.  I am willing to bet she was panting during this photo...  She moved her right arm from her plate to her mouth...  

A full helping of analysis.

Stop.  If you are that overweight, at least exercise your arms for God's sake!  And stay away from fried stuff!  If Mayor Bloomberg really cared about the health of people in NYC, he wouldn't ban large sodas, he would allow servers in restaurants to say: "Yeah, I don't think you really need another basket of bread!"

Do we really need... "Excellent child" bumper stickers?

This is obviously something I either hold dearly to my heart, or get mad about when I'm drunk.  First, let me say this is really just a continuation of my Do we really need... Participation trophies? blog, that I wrote several months ago.  No, I am not running out of material, I just hate your children.

Anyways, back to topic.  I remember when I was a student, I would see cars rocking a bumper sticker that exclaimed how proud the driver was of their honor-roll child.  My parents never earned those bragging rights from me, however I am sure they did from my sisters.  This would've been fine for me because people could have mistaken me for being the brilliant young mind in the vehicle.  However, recently I have started seeing new bumper stickers.

My kid is great...  Just because they showed up!

Is that where we are folks?  We are rewarding kids for just doing what they are supposed to do?  I have never worked anywhere that had a boss that would congratulate me for working "just like everyone else"!  Of course I am not here to stand on a podium and tell you how ridiculous you are...  I'm only here to tell you some of the shit you do is ridiculous!

There is only one acceptable anti-honor student bumper-sticker around...  and it is not the one that says you have an excellent student.  Now, I am not an advocate for my shitty kid beating up your incredibly smart kid, but if that's what my kid is good at I am going to show it off!  Having an "excellent kid" bumper stick is the equivalent to having one of those stick-figure family stickers!  (I abuse exclamation-points)  I don't care that you have an "excellent child"...  you are only trying to cushion the fact that your kid is just mediocre, and get them to feel great about their mediocrity!

Side note.

Have you guys seen those shitty cars rocking a college university bumper-sticker or window-decal?  Yeah, I want to send my kid to the same university as the person driving the '82 Toyota Tercel with spinning hub-caps.  Yes, you are doing that school a "solid".

Let's motivate our children!

I can get on-board with motivating our children.  One thing I can't get on board with is motivating them to do...  what they are expected to do!  How does that prepare them for life?  I arrive to work on time every day...  My boss does not own a bumper-sticker that exclaims: "I have an employee that does what is expected of him!"  (I realize I made the same point earlier...  please keep up with my intoxication levels!)

Here is something that is really messed up...  It usually takes at least one parent ignoring their child to encourage that said child to reach greatness!  The kids that were raised in a single-parent home are more likely to overcome adversity than the kid who grew up with two parents praising them for eating their vegetables (insert exclamation-point abuse here)...  My sister would do here Judge Mathis impression right now.  I have no evidence to back this claim.  I did, however, read something about something else which prompted me to reference another thing that I am sure gives my argument solid-ground.  All of my research was conducted on the Internet...  that makes it true!

Several solutions.

First, we stop using our cars as a way to express our views.  If I am behind you on the highway, I hate you already.  This, in turn, will make me hate whatever message you are trying to convey.  Suddenly, I do not want to coexist, I do not want to vote for your favored presidential candidate, I hate your sports team - full disclosure: I rock a Giants license plate frame - I hate your baby who is on board, I no longer want to impeach Nixon, and I hate whatever funny phrase you think is important for me to read!

Final analysis.

Stop...  I don't even care that you have a child...  as long as you don't have a mini-criminal.  If you do have a mini-criminal, please make us aware of that tidbit of info.  However, that information would not make me hate your children less...  please, stop letting your mini-criminals put their mouth on everything.

Do we really need... Canned whole chicken?

When I first came across this monstrosity I thought it was a joke.  I figured the picture came from a website that was the food-network equivalent to The Onion and Christwire.  So I shrugged it off.  No, this shit really exists.  Let me be clear - I am all for cooking a chicken, chopping it all to hell, and THEN stuffing it in a can. Lord knows I don't want to add cooking to the list of steps to get me from canned chicken to chicken-salad sandwich.  Oh no, this is an entire friggin chicken stuffed in a can.

Spam is gross, but we can top it.

Spam isn't too far above this crap, especially in creepiness.  It slides out of the can in a very similar (albeit creepy for a food-item) fashion.  The great thing about spam (if there has to be one), is that you can slice off a chunk, throw it in a frying pan, and within minutes you can enjoy a spam, lettuce, and mayo sandwich (it wasn't easy to pair "enjoy" and "spam" in the same sentence.  I do it for you - you're welcome).  How can you enjoy a chicken, lettuce, and mayo sandwich when the chicken has bones in it?  If you want to enjoy chicken salad, why would you buy a product that you have to de-bone first? I guess the ultimate question is: What the hell do you do with this stuff?  I haven't even gotten to the worse part.  The size of the can is that of a Chunky Soup can!  Have we no heart?  We just go and kill baby chickens, and shove them in a can for our weird food-consumption needs?  Ironically the picture I provided is a product offered by "Sweet Sue".  Yeah, she is sweet alright...  especially when she is hacking off the heads of baby chickens.

Just like mom used to make.

I have very fond memories of my family gathering around the dinner table.  My mom, wearing oven mitts, would deliver a nice hot baby chicken from the oven to the dinner table.  During the delivery, I could taste the warm pale chicken, carefully coated with an odd slime-like gelatin, in my mouth.  Man this brings back memories.  What the hell is that gelatin this chicken appears to be coated with, and how the hell does "Sweet Sue" think, for a minute, that we might find it appetizing?  Any canned item that drops out a blob that makes a placenta look delicious cannot, in fact, be delicious.  Full disclosure.  This picture I included to the left is not "Sweet Sue"'s.  It is however, a canned chicken, which is equally disgusting.

I am all for convenient eating.  We no longer have to catch, kill, cook, and debone a tuna before making tuna-fish salad.  We no longer have to smoke weed and go on an all-movie adventure to eat some delicious White Castle (well, we didn't at the time of the movie either...  Harold & Kumar could've just went to the grovery store)...  However, this is one step in convenient-eating that I will not take.  What's next, canned cheeseburger?

Oh, come on...  Canned cheeseburger exists too?  F*ck you food industry!  It's bad enough we can get shitty hamburgers precooked and frozen, but now we have hamburgers with a lengthy room temperature shelf life as well?  What the f*ck is going on here?

What the hell is next?  Is my $75 steak, served perfectly medium rare from capital grill going to come from a can to?  I am afraid to search for: Canned filet-mignon, just because I do not want to see the answer.  Do yourself a favor.  Do not search Google-images for people eating canned-cheeseburger.  The results make the worst videos I've seen on Tosh.O look like two unicorns f*cking in a pristine meadow.  Spoiler alert - the images are disgusting to view!

Final analysis.

Canned food industry.  There is still some fun to cooking, and there are some things that we cook that do not belong in a can!  We, as consumers, do not want to see canned tacos, hot dogs (Vienna sausages are dangerously close), lasagna, or pizza.  And if you must can them, stop adding a layer of that weird slime-like gelatin all of the time!  It creeps us out when our meal *slides* out of the can.

Do we really need... Athletes endorsing products?

I was listening to the radio today when a commercial came on (shocking right?).  It was for some local pool company, and at the end Carolina Panther's John Beisen came on saying they were the only pool company he uses, and that was the sole reason I should use this pool company.  Now, this wasn't a pool maintenance company, they install pools.  So my first question was: how many f*cking times a year does this man install a pool?  My second question was: Why in the hell will I listen to this guy?  Was his first passion pool-install?  Did he just happen to settle for being a professional NFL athlete?

Trust me...  I'm famous!


I never understood the whole "celebrity crush" syndrome so many people seem to have.  I, personally, am for a world where famous people do their job and then shut the front door (euphemism for mouth).  Is this really a business model?  Create crappy product.  Pay someone famous (who already has millions) millions to hold/use it.  Count money.

This was a good move for James.

This has got to be the biggest hoax of all time!  We have been duped into believing that just because someone can fake out another person with a ball in their hands, they are somehow experts in other areas!  I've got news for you, they have dedicated a better portion of their lives to learning how to do things with balls in their hands, and were too busy to do any sort of product research!  We have all been FOOLED!

Let me be clear here.  I understand kids looking up to athletes as role-models and wanting to be like them, and most parents can agree that kids are the most direct route to their pocket books (or wallets, if you're a dude (yeah, why does the feminine money-carrier take precedence over the male?)).  But when was the last time you saw Kobe Bryant playing with GI Joe's in a commercial?  When was the last time you saw Nancy Kerrigan (WOW...  I am so sexist.  She is the only female athlete I know the name of.  I was going to use Serena Dion, but it didn't sound right.) riding around in one of those Barbie go-cart thing-a-ma-bobbers?  NEVER!  They advertise this crap so adults can say: "Sprite?  I never tried Sprite, but since Shaq loves Sprite, I need to try it!"  (Was it racist linking Shaq to Sprite?).

It's all about budgets.


After thinking about it for an exhausting 10 minutes, I have it figured out (you're welcome).  There was a marketing exec at a large corporation who was in charge of a HUGE marketing budget.  This seemed like a lot of work to this poor exec: "How do I spend all of this money?!?"  One day it dawned on him.  He can burn through a better portion of the budget by putting his product in some famous persons' hand, and film them holding it!  Viola!  Huge payouts are justified because the athlete is obviously used to earning millions a year, and the marketing exec just made their job THAT much easier!

I can imagine the guy thought of it while listening to Notorious B.I.G.'s song "Big Poppa".  You know at the end?  When Puff Daddy says: "Tell your friends, to get with my friends, and we can be friends"!  Thanks Puff!  (OK, I do realize athletes were endorsing products long before Biggy, but "come on!", it was funnier that way).

Final analysis.


Well, if you have it in the budget, go ahead and do it I guess.  OR, you can use that money to create more jobs, and not give it to someone who already has one!  (I can't help but think job-availability has been a concern lately...  especially when blogs pay shit).

You know what?  Spend your money how you spend your money, I have no beef.  Just know we are no longer fooled by your squirrely marketing techniques!  We are on to you - you lazy good-for-nothing marketing execs!  We are no longer going to purchase your products that you place into famous athletes hands!  Unless, of course, it is a product I already use.  I couldn't bear the inconvenience of finding a new one.

Do we really need... 4G service?

If you are friends or family, you are completely confused by the title of this blog.  If you are not, you might be wondering why my friends and family are confused.  Why you ask?  I am a complete tech geek...  well, almost - I was in a conversation about over-clocking processors and found the conversation ridiculously boring.  I'm sorry, in a world of quad-core processors and 64gigs of ram, we really don't have to over-clock shit.

Backstory.

For the past year and a half (1.5 years folks), I have had the pleasure of owning a Samsung Galaxy S Fascinate with 3G technology.  One of the best Android phones on the market (at the time).  It was remarkable.  This phone was everything the iPhone attempted to be, but was better because it wasn't created by Apple.  My wife and I had an unlimited data plan, on the larger-than-competition Verizon network.  Life was grand.

Recently, after my phones' charging port had failed, I upgraded to the newer, ever-so-much-cooler Samsung Galaxy S3.  What a phone!  However, it came equipped with the newest generation of data-transfer technology...  4G.  I was smitten (at first).  I had no idea data could transfer at such rapid speeds out of thin air.  I literally had a hard-on while playing with the phone at the Verizon store (which was rather uncomfortable), and found ways to show off my new device in any conversation I had participated in.  However, the love of this new relationship would quickly diminish, because I had no idea how quickly the love would end.

4 gigabytes of data?  OK!

With the new phone, we lost our unlimited data.  That didn't seem terrible because they gave us 4 gigabytes, a lot right?  Well, it is when your device can only transfer data so fast.  When you are on the largest 4G network (and don't even have to turn on 4G, the phone just KNOWS!), you tend to gobble up data pretty quickly!  Verizon did a great job building a state-of-the-art network, and did a great job marketing it as well... they had some funny commercials.

Remember the "can you hear me now?" guy from the ad campaigns?  My, how the company has grown since then...  Yes, we can friggin hear you!  We can also instantly get your Facebook updates, Google+ updates, emails, weather info, your new drawing on draw with friends, your useless 140 character tweets, and every-f*cking-thing else that you may want to tell us immediately!

This shit is too fast!  Let me give you an example as to why that is actually a bad thing : I use my phone as the music player in my car.  I have music A.D.D., and skip songs all of the time.  This damn 4G shit is so fast that it can buffer the entire song at once!  So if I want to skip it, guess what?  I've already used the data to buffer the song.  Hey, f*ck you Verizon!  Sometimes I want to skip a song!  Now I can't, because I have to keep track of my data that YOU made it easier to use, and stopped allowing unlimited data to be available!

Now, I will say that I have never been more satisfied with any other cellphone company, so I will not be getting rid of Verizon any time soon.  We just have a very abusive relationship with each other, and I am very mad that I have to pay an additional $10 per 2gb / month if I want to use more data.  F*ck you Verizon!

Final Analysis.


OK, 4g is pretty awesome stuff.  It is fast and makes shit happen instantly.  I am all for it.  I guess I was just a little angry at losing unlimited data.  I am going to have to get used to running Wi-Fi at any place that has it available, because I am not getting rid of my sexy new mobile device, and I am certainly not joining Sprint's useless shitty network.

Do we really need... Mini-vans?

These rolling boxes have been plaguing our roadways with their hideousness for YEARS!  Someone really needs to stop the car manufacturers from allowing the wheels of these things to ever touch a paved road again!  I hate these things.  From the sliding side doors, to the stale smell of cheese balls (they all smell like stale cheese balls) because your children are slobs and drop food, I hate them (your children, as well as your mini-vans).

But we need to lug around the whole family!

Yes, I get the need to roll around with more square footage than a standard sedan.  But the year is not 1992... We have crossovers and SUV's now!  They are sportier, and if you are a soccer mom, you look much hotter when stepping out of anything other than a minivan!  Check out this crap of a minivan I found a picture of (this hunk of garbage was for sale online!), ignore the rust and the different paint.  Does it look like Chrysler was even trying?!?  I hope whatever group of engineers green-lighted this project was immediately escorted off Chrysler property...  Even with a brand spanking new paint job and new interior, I would not be able to own this thing.  Every day, I would wake up and have to make one very important decision.  Do I drive the minivan, or do I kill myself?

Enter Scion.


What in the hell was Scion thinking?  Their flagship car was the offspring of a crappy minivan, and a Volkswagon beetle...  and the poor child inherited the body of the minivan and the frame of the beetle.

In what universe is this a nice vehicle?  Hell, I wonder if the owner purchased the rims for this thing as a joke, because the car needs much more than rims to do it justice.  It needs to be a completely different vehicle.

Did the people at Scion get together and think: "Ok, the minivan was already created.  So, in order to be fresh, let's take the minivan, and strip it of all minivan functionality!"

They had a short run of success when they created the DJ inspired Scion xA, with a turntable station in the rear... but then DJ's started realizing they were duped because no venue would let them drive their cars onto the stage!  I'm just glad you don't see more of these things.  That means I am not the only person that was fooled by their attempt to market a "hipster kid" vehicle.  Nissan was fooled, and now they have a Nissan Cube.  Think really hard, you don't see many Nissan Cubes.  Why?  Because they suck, and like the minivan, we don't need them.

Final Analysis.


With all of the advancements we have had in the auto industry, let's leave minivans to Mexican painters (too racist?), and that is it.  Women aren't hot in them.  Men look like idiots driving them.  No one ever takes care of them.  They smell.  They're an eyesore.  I hate them.

Do we really need... The phrase: "roughing it"?

This weekend I had the pleasure of going camping with my wife, two sisters, and their two husbands (not each).  One of my sisters had posted on her Facebook wall that she was going to be "roughing it" camping.  I laughed and thought "are we not going to have 4G coverage?"  Then of course the whole weekend I was thinking about that particular phrase and realized: we aren't at all roughing it.


Oh yeah, we had it "rough" all right.


We had to sleep inside a tent and we had shoddy cell phone service.  These were the roughest parts through the entire weekend!  We slept on air mattresses which wasn't terrible and an electric pump for easy inflating.  We had a portable stove, a portable propane grill, and plenty of firewood that we did not chop ourselves.  The wood was dry so it burned with east, and my brother-in-law had bought a duraflame starter log, so creating a fire was no hassle.  We had brought plenty of food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  We had 3 cases of Miller Lite, 1 case of Coors Light, 3 cases of Bud Light, 2 bottles of Vodka and 2 bottles of wine.  There was an electric outlet, bathrooms, and showers.  It was borderline inhumane.

What is hard to believe is that we were among the ones who did "have it rough".  We actually had to walk to the restrooms, and had power at one individual source that had to be distributed via extension cords and power-strips.  There was a large group of people making use of portable apartments at the campsite.  The funny part is, these people considered what they are doing as "camping"!  I argue that they are merely "apartment moving", because what they are doing hardly resembles camping.  I can imagine the only fun and exciting part is moving their mammoth sized vehicle-houses from one site to another.  Especially when you take into consideration the tight and winding mountain roads!  It was a challenge navigating my small '06 Hyundai Elantra (yeah, so keep clicking my sponsors until you read my complaints on high gas prices, and poor gas mileage from my Ferrari) up and down those crazy roads!

Oh, we had to clean up the damn place.  That was kind of "rough".  Imagine waking up completely hung over, ready to get on the road to get home, and having to break down and clean up.  It was pretty miserable.  KOA campground needs to add a cleaning service for campsites.  They could price-gouge the shit of that service too.  I wonder ponder paying upwards of $500 for the convenience of being able to just bolt on the last day.

Do we even know how to "rough it"?


Let's face it.  A majority of us have been pussified over the past two decades.  I am pretty sure there are people living in some countries who have to decide whether to feed or eat their children, and here I am getting pissed off because I can't check my Google+ while thinking my life is OVER.  Just think about that!  People deciding whether to make a meal for their children or of their children!  In all seriousness, it is quite sad.

Ten years ago companies were able to get away with charging for Wi-Fi (Wireless....  what the hell does the Fi mean? (fidelity...  see, I didn't even have to get up and get a dictionary!  Thanks Google)), nowadays we just expect to be connected no matter where we go.  Don't get me started on Starbucks!  How the hell did they figure out how to get people to stay inside their damn store all day?  All they sell is over priced, shitty, "gourmet" coffee to hipsters with Mac books, writing God knows what they are writing about (I just thought of how ironic it would be if I was writing this sitting at a table in Starbucks).  OK, where was I?  Oh right, how convenient everything has become.  Even meeting and keeping in touch with people has become a snap professionally and socially with sites like Facebook, LinkedIn, Myspace (hah!  Who uses Myspace anymore), Twitter, and Google+.

By no means am I suggesting that I am suddenly going to stop lugging around my laptop everywhere I go, or start offering businesses donations to help them maintain their internet bills.  Absolutely not.  The weekend DID get me thinking about how easy camping has become, and our idea of "roughing it" has become quite pathetic.

Solution?


Luckily there is a solution (If you are wondering if I am going to take my own advice, my answer will be: "Hell to the NO"...  Well, I might, but I doubt it).  We all need to take one REAL camping trip.  We load up the basics: beer, tent, clothes, basic hygiene products, lighter, knife, and basic food.  Trek into the woods, find an area to set up camp.

Does the solution sound miserable?  Absolutely, which is why I stopped.  I was getting bored and exhausted just thinking about doing something so lame.

The other solution.


Let's stop using that damn phrase!